Vive la France

The Canonical List of French Jokes

Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. One, because he holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him

Q: How do you confuse a French Soldier?
A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.

Q: What's the motto of the US Marine Corps?
A: Semper Fi (Always Faithful)
Q: What's the motto of the French Army?
A: Stop, drop, and run!

Q. Why don't Master Card and Visa work well in France? A. They do not know how to say "CHARGE!"

Q: What do women who are snipers in the French military use as camouflage?
A: Their armpits.

Q: What’s the difference between a Frenchman and a bucket of crap?
A: The bucket

Q: What do you call a French man killed defending his country?
A: I don't know either, its never happened!

Q: What Does "Maginot Line" mean in French?
A: "Speed bump ahead"

Q: What’s the new French flag look like?
A: A white cross emblazoned on a white background!

Q: Why did the Post Office have to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen?
A: People were confused about which side to spit on.

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to shingle a roof?
A: 3 if you slice them thin enough.

Famous quotes about the French: "I just love the French. They taste like chicken!" ---- Hannibal Lecter

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." ---Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." --- P.J O'Rourke (1989)

Q: You are approached by three men while walking down a dark city street. One British, one American, one French. They all seem intent on mugging you. However, you have a gun, but alas, only two bullets. What do you do?
A: Shoot the Frenchman twice. Good day!

Why don't the French really want the US to attack Iraq? Don't want their record for surrender broken.

Q: Why do French people always wear yellow?
A: To match the color of their blood!

Q: What's the easiest way to get lung cancer?
A: Breath the air in Paris!

Q: Why does every army (except the U.S & UK) have to have a French flag?
A: In case they want to surrender!

Q: Why did the Statue of Liberty take karate?
A: She wanted to be the first French person to be able to defend herself!

During one of the many wars that the French and the British fought and the French usually lost, the French just happened to capture a British Major. An officer brought the Major to the French general for interrogation. The French general began ridiculing the Major for wearing "that stupid red tunic." The French general said, "Why to you wear that red uniform, it makes it easy for us to shoot you." The British major replied, "If I do get wounded, the blood will not show, and my soldiers will not get scared." The French general said, "That is a very good idea," The Frenchy turned to his orderly and said, "From now on all French officers will wear brown pants."

Q: What does a French military alliance and a French romance have in common?
A: Both are brief, sordid, and completely meaningless.

Q; How does a Frenchman hold his liquor?
A: by the ears...

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." Jacques Chirac, President of France. "As far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush Limbaugh

"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." -- Argus Hamilton

"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq." -- Dennis Miller

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?" -- Dennis Miller

Raise your right hand if you like the French ... raise both hands if you are French.

"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining." -- John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.

Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in great excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone or no balls. I'd say you must be French."

Q: What's the difference between a Frenchman and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: What's the difference between a Frenchman and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.

Q: Do you know why the French invented perfume?
A: Hey, *you* try sleeping with a French woman.

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?" The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!" The American didn't say anything else. Hhe leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American. An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

The French have only one actual fighting war hero, Joan of Arc, and they turned her over to the enemy!

Q: What English word has no equivalent in the French language?
A: Gratitude.

Q: Why does the French Navy suck?
A: Because cardboard doesn't float!

Q: what the Frenchmen can do in 5 minutes?
A: Surrender twice.

From a bumper sticker: "Save the Crepes - Eat A Frenchmen!"

American to Frenchman: "Do you speak German?" Frenchman: "No." American: "You're Welcome!

Q: Since everyone knows that French men are gay, how come there are French children?
A: Because of the confusion caused by the fact that French women have mustaches!!

Q: What's the difference between toast and Frenchmen?
A: You can make soldiers out of toast!

Q. Do you know why so many Europeans Immigrated to North America? A. To get as far away from the French as possible.

Q: Why do people always talk about the 'foreign legion'?
A: They couldn't find any French to join!

Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
A: A salesman

Q: Why do Frenchmen carry crap in their wallets?
A: The law requires they carry at least one form of Identification.

Going to war without France is like going to marine boot camp without your Liza Minelli CD's

Why should we expect the French to help us liberate Iraq, they didn't help us liberate France!

Q: What's the shortest book ever written?
A: French War Heroes.

Men’s Room graffiti: "Here I sit with my buns a'clenchin, giving birth to another Frenchman.

A Frenchman walks into a bar, smiles at the landlord and orders a glass of wine. The Frenchie looks about and sees a camel sitting at the bar as well. The Frenchie asks the landlord, “What is that dirty camel doing in here?” The Landlord pulls a cricket bat out from behind the bar hits the camel in the head and the camel gives the landlord oral pleasure. The Landlord looks at the Frenchie and says "You want a go?" to which the Frenchie replies: "Oui, but there is no need to hit me over the head."

Q: What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
A: How to surrender in at least 10 languages.

Q: What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A: A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.

Q: Why does Nike like the French Army?
A: Because, in war time, they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.

Q: Why did the French celebrate their World Cup Championship in 2000 so wildly?
A: It was their first time they won anything without the help of the U.S.

Q: What's the difference between 1943 and 2003? A. This time around, the Vichy government is telling the German puppets what to do.

Q: Why do the French Smell?
A: So blind people can hate them too!

Q: Why do the French call their fighter the *Mirage*?
A: Because it doesn't really exist.

Q: Why don't the French eat M&M candies?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: What do you call a French fighter coming to the rescue of American and British soldiers in the Iraqi desert?
A: A Mirage

Q: Why do the French have glass bottom boats in their Navy?
A: To see all their other ships.

Going to war without the French on your side is like going hunting without an accordion.

Q: What do you call a man who only needs body armor on his back?
A: Jacques Chirac

A man askes his companion, "What's the most common French expression"? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"

A French rifle is for sale on e-bay. It's never been fired but I heard it's been dropped once.

President Bush and the French ambassador to the U.N. were debating the Iraqi crisis. The President tried to explain through an interpreter that if we don't stop Hussein soon, he will obtain nuclear weapons. He further explained that should that happen, any future likely conflict with the madman could result in a bloodbath. The French ambassador did not understand. It seems there is no word for "bath" in French.

Q: How many German and Frenchmen died in World War II????
A: Not Enough.

Q: How any French soldiers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five! - One to sit on his butt and watch and do nothing. - The second to turn tail and run. - The third to roll over. - The forth to surrender to the light bulb and snitch out occupied sconces. - And the fifth to pick up a phone and cry to the United States.

Rumor has it that those French tanks have 6 gears, 5 reverse and 1 forward. Just in case they're attacked from behind, that's where the forward gear comes in handy.... :)

Q: What does "Maginot" mean in English?
A: Welcome!

Q: Where can you find over 59 million French jokes?
A: In France.

Q: Why do we need France on our side against Sadaam and Osama?
A: So the French can show them how to surrender.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead French man In the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks In front of the skunk.

Q: How many Frenchman does it take to guard Paris?
A: Nobody knows, its never been tried before

Q: What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A: The Army.

Q: How do you castrate a Frenchmen???
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What’s the best place to hide your money ?
A: under the soap of a Frenchman

A Frenchwoman with a parrot on her shoulder walks into a bar. The Barman says "That’s a real ugly bird you got there. Where did you get it?” The Parrot says "I got it in France. There’s millions of’em there"

Q: What did the Mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered during WWII?
A: "Table for One Hundred Thousand?".

Q: How can you tell if a Frenchman has been in your backyard?
A: Your garbage is gone and your dog is pregnant!

Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

Q: What do you do if you see 59 million dead Frenchmen? A. Stop laughing and re-load!!

Q: How do you stop a French tank?
A: Shoot the guy that's pushing it!

Q: What do you call 20 dead Frenchmen in the back of a lorry.
A: A good days hunting.

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie. The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

Q: What do you do if you drive over a French man?
A: REVERSE!

Q: What do you do if you see a French man drowning?
A: Chuck his wife and kids in as well.

Did you hear about the Frenchman who lost his license to practice medicine? He was caught having sex with some of his patients. It's a shame, too - he was by far the best vet in town.

Q: What do you get if you see a Frenchman up to his neck in sand?
A: More sand.

Q: Why do French men have moustaches?
A: To remind them of their mothers.

The French zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very cranky and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Pierre, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Pierre, it was rumored, had the ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Pierre was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred Francs? Pierre showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Pierre announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union." The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what about the third condition. "Well," said Pierre, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred Francs."

There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'

Q: What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf?
A: The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.

Q: Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?
A: So the Germans could march in the shade.

Q: Hear about the library that burnt down in Paris?
A: Destroyed their entire collection and they hadn't even finished coloring in the second one!

Q: What do you call a Frenchman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
A: Bisexual.

Jacques Chirac telephones George Bush with a frantic plea for help…”Mr. President, we have been informed by our scientists that a giant meteor is headed straight for French, and unless something is done, it will strike France in 8 hours and completely destroy our country! Please help us by aiming all of your ballistic missiles at it to help us eliminate this threat before it’s too late!!” You are President Bush, what do you do? A) Stay up late and watch it happen on TV. B) Tape it and watch it in the morning.

Q. Why is the U.S. Navy building a fleet of glass bottom boats? A. So they can steer around the French Navy.

A cursory review of French military history reveals the following:
1 - Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
2 - Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "French armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
3 - Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
4 - Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
5 - Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant but still manages to get invaded. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
6 - War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
7 - The Dutch War - Tied. Dutch farmers and tulip growers are tougher than they look.
8 - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
9 - War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
10 - American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; “France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
11 - French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
12 - The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for the Russian winter, Prussian grenadiers or a British footwear designer.
13 - The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. For the first, but certainly not the last time, Germany plays the role of drunken frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
14 - World War I - Invaded, humiliated and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Winds up a tie for les francaise. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, the American fascination with personal hygiene (a fascination totally foreign to French women) incites widespread use of condoms by American soldiers, thus precluding any improvement in the French bloodline.
15 - World War II - A decisive defeat even by French standards. Hitler and the German Youth spend Christmas time sleeping soundly through the winter, then arouse themselves to conquer France in six weeks. Hitler dances in front of the Eiffel Tower, while the French command staff retreats to Algeria to institute a crash language program to teach French privates how to say "I surrender" in German and French generals to say "We surrender" in German. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song and some small portion of the German work ethic. De Gaulle of it all...
16 - First Vietnamese war (in Vietnamese circles, known as "the scrimmage", or "the exhibition game" where the varsity squad is kept on the sideline to see how the second string will play) - Lost. French soldiers, fresh off their four year occupation by the Germans, catch a terminal case of Dien Bien Flu.
17 - Algerian rebellion - Lost. First time an Arab army has beaten a Western army since the Crusades, and produces the first rule of modern Islamic warfare: "We can always beat the French." A nice phrase, but it lacks something in originality, since it is also the first rule of warfare for the Italians, Russians, Prussians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, Native Americans and capitalists.
18 - War on Terrorism - Lost. Incensed at not being included in the original "Axis of Evil," France refuses to participate. When it becomes clear that this is a "no-kidding war," Jacques Chirac looks at his cards and immediately surrenders to that old warhorse, Gerhard Schroeder. For good measure, he also surrenders to five million illegal immigrants from Algeria. The moral of the story is - give thanks to God on high that the French are not helping us!

The real reason the French have not mobilized in the war with Iraq is they were covertly asked not to participate with the coalition. Seems the British, Americans and everyone else had logically concluded that having both sides of a war trying to simultaneously surrender would be too confusing.

"Did you see the new bomb the government came up with? It weights 21,000 pounds. The Air Force tested this bomb in Florida and the bomb blast was so strong at Disneyworld 25 French tourists surrendered." —Jay Leno

"A lot of Americans right now are angry at the French. In Washington, the cafeteria where the members of Congress eat announced that they have changed the name of 'french fries' to 'freedom fries.' Nothing like this has happened since the 1950s when 'russian dressing' changed to 'commie sauce.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Army personnel in Kuwait unloaded a dozen faulty tanks that only go in reverse. Tanks that only go in reverse — they've been repackaged and sold to France." —Craig Kilborn

"I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac." —Dennis Miller

"As you know our Allies of Evil are not being helpful with this Iraqi situation. With all due respect I think President Bush is handling this situation all wrong What Bush should do is send someone the French really respect, like Jerry Lewis." —Jay Leno

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." —Conan O'Brien

"Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?" —Jay Leno

"After what they say was an exhaustive investigation, the Defense Minister of France said today that Osama bin Laden is either still in hiding in Afghanistan, he may have escaped to Pakistan, or he may be dead. Hey, France, thanks a lot. We'll take it from here. Hard to believe they were invaded twice." —Jay Leno

"French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly." —Jay Leno

"Finally, this week the French soldiers have showed up in Afghanistan. Figures — just like the French to show up after the hard work has been done." —Jay Leno

"We didn't need the French after all, the Iraqis are starting to surrender before the fighting starts, guess they knew the French maneuver already."

Is it any wonder that America’s most beloved French character is a skunk who stinks and thinks that he is desirable love god?

Q: Why do the French have huge heads?
A: To accommodate their huge mouths.

Q: What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
A: Linoleum blownapart.

Heard about the new French-Chinese wine? One hour later and you're whining about America again.

Q: Why are so many French born by C-section?
A: Ever try to get a square head through a round hole?

Q: What do French mobsters fear more than anything else?
A: The quiche of death.

Q: Why are the French so afraid of war?
A: You would be too if you never won one in your history.

The French *still* need more proof that Michael Jackson has had plastic surgery.

Q. How do you introduce yourself in French? A. "Don't shoot, I give up!"

Today, the government of France fell when Jacques Chirac unexpectedly surrendered to a tourist couple from Düsseldorf.

A little boy comes home from school and goes to his dad. He tells him that some older boys were discussing something that really bothered him. The dad asked him what it was. The boy told him that they told him about anal sex and that he wanted to know if people really did that. His dad assured him that people did indeed do that, but that it was very dangerous as "That's how French people are made"

A foreign door-to-door salesman was passing through the French countryside. Deciding to try his luck at a farmhouse he knocked on the door. A kid opened the door. Salesman: "Is your dad home?" Kid: "Yeah, but he’s busy right now. He’s out back screwing the sheep." The salesman chuckled, "Screwing the sheep, certainly you mean sheering the sheep." "No," the kid replied, "he’s screwing the sheep." This being said, the salesman just could not believe his ears and asked: "Doesn’t that interfere with the gene pool?" The kid replied: NAAAAAAAAAAA