The Complete Bastard SysAdmin from Michigan. The meanest post ever.
I saw a post that was asking about compiling all the bastard gore's into one thing so im posting this for them. here is it, the complete set of Bastard sys admin from Michigan stories as of now.
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BASTARD SYSTEM ADMIN FROM MICHIGAN
#1
Written entirely by: gore.
8:00 AM: Well today is my first day at my new job, the Admin I’m taking the place for welcomes me and warns me that the lusers get cranky when they don’t get what they want…This should be fun.
I check bandwidth usage as the old system admin is leaving…50%!!!!!! That’s not tolerable!! I unplug the accounting woman’s connection that seems to think she can download “Coyote Ugly” on MY time…Wow is she in for a surprise.
I let it reach 99% and boom, unplugged. The fone rings and I answer nicely saying “Hello?” It’s her, SCREAMING at me that she was “trying to do some work on the network” and her connection went. Screaming at me…She’ll pay for this. I ask her for her account name and she gives it to me. I log in and see that she has all her personal info in her account. I send her boss a lovely e-mail from her saying how much of an ******* he is and how she deserves a raise from his “pig faced” ass. I bet she’s going to love me.
I find her fone number and address and social security number and tell her to call me back in a minute, I’m working on the problem now (mainly her).
I finish the e-mail, send it, and then call her fone company to tell them I’ll be out of town for a few months and to have the service shut off, they ask for some personal information which I give them and tell me to have a good trip. (Trust me I am). Then I call her electric company and do the same, (wow is she going to love coming home to a fridge full of decaying food and a freezer full of thawed goods and no fone to bitch about it on).
I then notify the post office that me, her husband will be leaving the country for a few months and to please have “our mail” forwarded to South Africa.
I check her e-mail and see the boss has replied to her “e-mail” I mark it as unread and giggle to myself knowing she just got fired. I hang up and she calls back immediately, how annoying can you possibly be? I tell her everything is fixed after I plug her back into the network and within one minute she calls back about the e-mail, I tell her she just learned the hard way not to yell at me and hang up. What does she care? She’s going to have a bigger problem when she gets home.
11:00AM: I leave for lunch and follow MRS. I cant remember not to scream at people home and wait….5 minutes later I hear a scream and some random bad words and she tries calling the fone company to tell them her fone isn’t working….I don’t quit get why but maybe she had an idea that it would work so she could call and tell them its broken.
Wow, she sure isn’t happy; I’m still outside her house listening to her. She goes to the neighbors house to use there fone but there not home. There at work because they have a job still, THEY KNOW HOW TO TREAT A SYSTEM ADMIN!! As I watch her walk outside, I notice she crawls into the neighbors window to use the fone…Hmmmm, cant have that now can we? I pick up my cell fone and call the police to report a break in and within 5 minutes I watch them pull up and she shits herself. After they arrest her she pays bond and gets out of jail. Her last paycheck will be mailed to her but remember, she’s learning the hard way, so its actually on It’s way to south Africa…It’s sure fun being the Bastard system Admin from Michigan.
4:00 PM: I return from lunch in a better mood and plug the fone back in, of course it has to ring immediately so I answer “Hello McDonalds how may I help you?”
The luser on the other end stutters and says I’m sorry I have the wrong number and hangs up. I think I’m earning a raise!
I check out payroll and edit my profile by one dollar, hmm first day raises are good, I think I’m gunna like working here.
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BASTARD ADMIN FROM MICHIGAN
#2
Written entirely by: gore.
8:00 AM: Well I’m on my way to work; I just got cut off by one of my co workers, bet he’s going to have a great day today.
8:10 AM: Well I’m in my chair now, I unhooked the fone, it doesn’t ring as much that way. I saw the guy that cut me off as I was entering the building, I got his username and at the moment I’m still deciding what to do exactly, he has a huge project do for the boss at 9:00 AM, but then again he really could use some time off and take a “concepts of a turn signal and basic driving skills” class. I plug the fone back in, I want to be sure to take his call he is about to make soon. I unplug him from the network, and like clockwork the fone rings, it is him saying he lost his internet connection and I say I’m working on it and get back to signing him up fir a driving class with the credit card he “dropped” into my hand. After posting his numbers online I log into his account and find that 60 MB file he has been working on for 7 months….hmmmm, I think its time to trim it down a little bit, I write a simple script and every time he types a character it deletes a random sentence, I make sure and delete his back ups and then I plug him back into the network. He calls and says “It’s about damn time you moron I have a project to work on” …oh is he ever going to pay! I write another script and put it in his account, as soon as he opens that project and starts typing, after he types 200 words it will launch del *.* in his department and an e-mail will be sent from him to everyone saying “This is for breathing my air today” I think the departments going to just love him.
10:00 AM: Well guess who hit 200 words today! The fone is ringing off the hook…..I bet it is, I unplugged it and went to lunch.
2:00 PM: I get back from lunch and realize the guy that cut me off this morning wasn’t at his desk, I saw his car when I came back though, I decide to have more fun and find the bottle of krazy glue I bought this morning after he cut me off and a huge piece of project paper, the cardboard kind that kids do school projects on. I take the krazy glue that’s conveniently shaped like a pen and write “I’m for abortion and animal abuse” on his front and back windshields on his car in the glue. Then I grab the sheet paper and it fits all the way across his windshields, I plop it in there and push it into the glue…amazing how that stuff fits on a Viper windshield perfectly! I walk back in and see him leaving crying, he got fired and his ass kicked by his fellow employees, something about him deleting everyone’s work today. I can’t miss this! He’s leaving right now! I watch as he realizes the paper on his car. He takes the bait and just pulls it off and realizes that the glue and paper that stuck to it now spell out nice happy things….He pissed himself!!! Score!!!! I still have his credit card too! I look up his address on it and find where he lives and his fone number.
3:00PM: Well I just finished signing him up for “Heroin Aficionado” I got a 10% discount because I made sure to click the “No don’t wrap it in black plastic, I’m proud of who I am” Bet the neighbors are going to be talking now.
3:30 PM: It’s raining outside!!!!!! I leave work early and drive to Mr. I deleted every things house. He parked outside and I see him inside weeping, I grab the can of paint thinner I bought on the way here and paint his whole car in it. Muahahaha, 30 minutes later I drive past his house again after it began raining harder, the whole car is a giant rust ball with tires!!!!! I’m so awesome!! **** the way he drove today I just saved lives! I don’t think I’m done yet though, I hook in my line mans handset into his fone line after stripping it and call Ireland and leave it on for a while. I’m so funny sometimes. I drive back to the office for a minute, I forgot my laptop. I walk in and realize the boss is fallowing me, I turn around and he asks me about everything that was deleted, I tell him if people read and followed the back up instructions I e-mailed every ones work will be fine. I grab my laptop and leave. I’m going home for the night.
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BASTARD ADMIN FROM MICHIGAN
#3
Written entirely by: gore.
8:00 AM: Damn I’m tired!! I need to stop at the store on the way home and get coffee! I’m just pulling in the parking lot at work. Amazing, 3rd day and so far one person has been fired each day for pissing me off, I think the other lusers are learning to leave me alone, I walk in and go straight to the employee lounge and take the coffee machine, I think they would rather deal with no coffee than ME with no coffee.
8:30 AM: Well the coffee is done, the people here use 3 scoops in the machine, I just used 7, I think this should do for now. The fone just rang. Oh goody, I’ve been here 30 minutes and already a problem! I answer and of course it’s someone asking for more free space. What do I look like a system admin or something? I tell them if they buy me lunch ill tell them a “secret” command that gives them free space, they agree and I wait till lunch.
10:00 AM: I leave for lunch with luser and spend all his money at a restaurant, as were driving back he asks me about the command, I tell him, whenever he needs more free space, just type in del *.* and he will get a bunch, him having no idea what that is says ok and thanks me. I get back to my office and realize I forgot to turn off the battery charge I have hooked onto my doorknob, I step over 3 lusers to get inside, they really should leave me alone.
1:00 PM: the fone is ringing AGAIN!! Another luser asks why they cant check there e-mail, instead of saying because I did for you already and replied to all of them I say “Well today is Wednesday, It’s the middle of the week so the sun is higher up and so it’s warmer outside and it makes the net slow down and to try checking there mail tomorrow” After I hang up I realize a luser has somehow gotten into my office and listened to the hole thing I just said, they look at me in horror and ask “Isn’t there anything we can do about this?????” I answer, yes there is, take the case off your computer while it’s still on and pull out the ram card, then after that put a magnet over the hard disk, that way the extra heat is moved around better. They look at me and smile and say ok, I’ll do that right now. This I gotta see! I follow closely behind them and they actually do it!! The boss walks by and asks what the hell is going on and luckily I made a tape recording earlier of me saying NO DON’T DO THAT YOULL RUIN IT!!!!!!!!!! I tell the boss I think the luser went insane; the luser of course tries to say I told him to do it and I whip out the recorder and play it. The luser looks at me like a deer in headlights. The boss tells the luser he won’t be receiving his raise next month because he’s paying for the computer to be fixed.
2:00 PM: I’m bored, after killing every person online in Unreal Tournament and Resident Evil, I decide to have fun, I write a small script that runs around the network and randomly deletes accounts of people typing my name into an e-mail with the words “*******” or “dickhead” before or after.
2:05 PM: Well that didn’t take long, 4 lusers called to say they cant log into the network, I ask them for there usernames and say I’ll work on it. I check out the accounts from back ups and make sure I grab some personal info form each one, after deleting them from the back ups I look up to see one of them looking at me and before I can even say knock on the door next time, they decide to yell “HEY ******* I CANT LOGIN LEARN HOW TO DO YOUR JOB” Oh, that’s a death sentence. I say in a nice voice yes sir, I’m working on it now, I hit the switch to power up the deadly doorknob and ask them to come back later, they reach for it and I think the hole building flickered as he lit up like a Christmas tree. I hit the switch back off knowing people will be in soon to see what happened. Sure enough the boss runs in and asks me what happened and I say well I was working on something and he came in and must have grabbed a loose wire or something. The police come and take the body, they don’t seem to have a sense of humor like mine as I’m blaring and singing along to gimmie gimmie shock treatment by the Ramones. Oh well.
4:00 PM: As I’m getting ready to leave the boss says I’m doing great but he wants to hire a helper for me so I can actually have a vacation sometime. What? Me? A vacation? Ha-ha! Yea right, I’m the bastard system admin from Michigan!
Will the bastard system admin from Michigan get a helper? Tune in next time readers to see how this turns out for our hackin’ hero!
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BASTARD ADMIN FROM MICHIGAN
#4
Written entirely by: gore.
5:00 AM: Well I’m getting up early today; I have work to get done before other start showing up. I pat the box of Free BSD install CDs on the head and get ready.
5:20 AM: I pull into the empty parking lot and go in the building, no one is here and I get ready for my task. I insert the install disks and boot the machines up, I start installing on one machine and move on to the next, this should be one entertaining day!
7:30 AM: I just finished the install of BSD on the machines, and a whole pot of coffee (hey it’s early) I’m going to my office now; people are going to be showing up soon.
8:00AM: Well, people are showing up now, I just can’t wait!! Of course none of them have any UNIX skills at all and I didn’t back up any of there work so I think this was a nice job security thing for me.
8:01 AM: The fone just rang, I can only imagine what they want on the other end, I answer and someone on the other end says “I think I have a virus on my computer!! Help me!!” I say “A Virus? Oh no!” How do you know it’s a virus? Well she says, I turned on my computer, and all this text started scrolling down really fast, and then after all that… I think it’s a “Log in” virus, that’s what it says on my screen. I don’t even bother hitting the mute button as I piss myself laughing at her, I say “Have you even tried logging on?” and of course she hasn’t, that would make to much sense to do at a log in prompt now wouldn’t it? She tries and says “uh-oh” I think I have another virus on here, I ask what the hell she’s talking about and she says “All that’s on my screen is a C two dots and a bent line” Ok this is way worse than I had planned for, I tell her to leave her office at once and buy a book called “UNIX for morons” and hang up.
9:00AM: I leave for lunch. (Hey I’ve been here for about 4 hours!) I notice on my way out some Woman is walking into the building with a “UNIX for dummies book” Wow! She actually is trying! I put her on my list of people to give a second chance list, just because she’s the only one doesn’t mean that I’m a bad guy, I’m just not into helping people that don’t need it.
2:00PM: I come back from lunch and I have about 57 e-mails from lusers (Maybe that woman I told to get a UNIX book learned too much….) well, they all say “My computer has a virus. I check our learning friend’s computer, oh, we just can not have this 45 % usage now can we? She’s downloading a song from Sum41…Oh hell no! No fake want to be punk on MY network! I log her off and cancel the download, the fone rings but well, I don’t really care so I unplug it and start a download for her account, I think she is gunna like the Dead Kennedy’s!
2:30PM: Well, my worst fear has come true, one of the damn lusers has learned how to reboot the system and select “Windows 95” from the boot loader. Damn thing ran around and showed everyone! I knew I shouldn’t have trusted them! I check usage and see that it is skyrocketing up to about 68% now that is just not gunna work for me, I start unplugging connections and switching them around, The manager of human resources tries to threaten me with my salary if I don’t hurry up and get his connection working gain so he can finish his “work” I do a quick check while he is standing there and see that he was downloading “Bestiality boys part 5” I remind him that downloading gross porn is not aloud and e-mail the evidence to his boss and ask him if there was anything else he needed (besides a new job now) He pisses his pants and leaves…Well tries to, I hit the switch on the “death knob” and he starts to spark. Hell I can’t even sing gimmie gimmie shock treatment by the Ramones this time, the cops remembered it form last time! But I have another ***** trick to play, I quickly pop in “Shock the Monkey” by Coal Chamber and Ozzy, the cops hate it and I smile. The boss comes in after they leave with his body and asks me what happened, I say I don’t really know, it was all so shocking to me and he looks at me like I’m some kind of morbid *******, he asks me if I’ve thought about having a “helper” and I say no. Well he says, I think I’m going to hire him for your sake (Meaning he wants a damn witness in here the next time an employee is killed) I don’t even fight it, I just sit back down and continue my “important” work, I log into the bosses account and e-mail a few hundred customers telling them how stupid and annoying they are and that I hope they never buy another product from us again (hey I have to keep him on his toes, he would get bored) A few minutes later I notice some replies, oh this is funny, one has cancelled our service and a few others have said they printed it for the news papers. I laugh and mark them as unread, the fone rings after I plug it back in (huge surprise there) It’s the boss almost in tears saying he doesn’t know how this happened but he thinks someone hacked his account, I say “yea that must be it” He says he wants me to “secure the network more” I tell him it will cost him at least double salary and he wont be able to afford that damn helper he wants in here. He says ok and I say I’m gunna need a few extra things from him and tell him to order some firewalls for the server and the workstations and he agrees and I hang up. Wow this is working out great for me! I want to celebrate! I write a quick script so that every time someone logs in someone else is logged out.
3:00 PM: Well the fone is ringing off the hook, users keep getting logged out, I laugh and tell them its because of “technical problems with the server and to just stay logged out for a bit” (that should teach them to keep hogging up resources) I cant stop laughing, not only are the lusers annoyed but they aren’t using hardly any CPU!
4:00PM: The hell with this I’m going home for the day, before I go I notify everyone that in 12 seconds there will be a reboot, after 10 I reboot and then get ready to leave, of course as I’m leaving the fone rings and so I answer it. It’s a luser pissed that I didn’t give enough time for her to save the huge document she was working on and she wants me to somehow make it magically appear, I tell her to type exactly as I say in note pad and she creates a batch file that screws the MBR into hell and she does thinking it’ll fix that problem, she opens it and says “My screen flashed and that was it” I tell her to reboot the machine and she says ok. I hurry up and leave and laugh to myself as I think how when she reboots the computer is going to be a black screen saying “I’m an idiot, spank me” and then shuts down, I can only imagine how tomorrow will be, but for now I’m going home to watch some horror movies. Before I even get out of the building the boss runs up behind me screaming bloody murder, the girl I just helped rebooted but saved the file on disk and tried to “show her co-workers” what happened to her system…You’d think people would learn when something screws YOUR system don’t put it on another. But not these lusers, they seem to be extra dumb. I tell the boss It’s the end of my shift and that the problem can be solved by reinstalling Windows, he looks at me blankly as if he wants to understand that so I say ok fine but you owe me huge. I insert one of the off site back ups I was carrying and start and reinstall every system, I remind the boss I’m not working for free and since this is overtime its double time, so of course I’m going slow as possible, it only takes me 4 hours to reinstall, not bad but now I’m tired as hell, I tell the boss that since no one backed up there work yesterday they all have to redo everything they had on there…I think he’s crying! I leave and go home, tomorrow should be fun.
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BASTARD ADMIN FROM MICHIGAN
#5
Written entirely by: gore.
In this edition, will our hacking hero get a helper? Will he switch to decaf and commit mass murder? Will he kill every process to play video games?
8:00 AM: Ok I’m already mad, I know today is going to go badly because I have to reinstall everything for these damn lusers. I get to the office and the boss is waiting for me, somehow that’s rarely a good sign. “I told you to get here early” he says, I look at the clock and tell him if I could I’d still be in bed for at least another 5 hours and he laughs thinking I’m joking. Ok, lets get this done I say. I go to the “software closet” and pull out the Windows NT and Windows 95 boxes and grab the install CDs for each, thankfully a smarter decision made by the managers was to have each machine “CD bootable” The boss asks me if he can help, instead of saying yes put me in your will and die I say “Sure, open up the CD drives on all the systems and stick these in, then close them and reboot the machine, I finish grabbing boxes and go join him and we have every machine loaded and rebooted in about 25 minutes, I tell the boss to select the format and install option and press enter and we get to work. After we finish this up I realize I have an audience of the entire department watching me and asking what’s going to happen to all there work they’ve done thus far, I tell them if they did back ups like I said it will be installed back onto the machine soon and if they didn’t its gone, one of them replies with “so you morons cant even do back ups for us? How stupid are you people?” oh huge mistake, I never thought id ever have the taste of powdered tooth enamel in my mouth and turn and ask for her user name, she gives it to me and I say as soon as we get done ill be sure to give her special treatment (never said she would like it) You’d think that 4 degrees in science would give her some kind of brain power but I guess the ability to create something with more than one ass has caused her to grow one on her shoulders. I remind the boss that today my big comfy chair will be coming and I’ll need a few extra minutes alone to “test it out” he looks at me blankly and then says ok remembering the others that got on my nerves. Finally the systems are restored, the lusers flock in like zombies to a cow brain factory and get logged in, of course one has to ask about there work again and I remind him if he did his damn back ups he will be fine. I hurry up and leave and get to my office, my chair is waiting for me and I’m waiting for it. I sit down and erase all the back ups of everyone’s work and the fone rings, oh hell, already? I answer the fone and it’s a luser asking about back ups, I tell him I checked for them when I came in and there weren’t any and say next time when I tell you to do back ups make sure you actually do it.
10:00AM: Man I’m bored, I remember I have the Mrs. I cant shut my damn mouth for 5 seconds account name and decide to play, I look her up and see she’s e-mailing her husband, on MY damn network! That’s going to stop! I pull the plug on her connection and the fone rings almost immediately, I unplug it and log into her account and “finish” the e-mail to her husband:
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: We need to talk…
Dear Bob,
I know things have been going good lately, but I cant let this go any longer, I’ve been cheating on you with another woman for about 6 months now and we are in love, I realized you just don’t have what I was looking for in anything and I’m leaving you.
-Luser.
After quickly sending it I go to a few websites and download some very tasteless porn on her account and log off and plug her back in, after plugging the fone also back in it rings and I answer, its her of course saying she was trying to work on a spreadsheet and it wouldn’t let her check for her mail from the boss (you’d think she could at least lie better) I tell her to try now and she says oh ok, its working and I hang up.
11:00 AM: I leave for lunch and as I’m leaving a luser runs up to me saying there machine has frozen and they have no idea why, I walk over and see a frozen screen with AIM, MSN, Yahoo, and 5 browsers open and a movie being downloading… Well that’s certainly odd, you have a whole 64 Megs of ram and your computer froze and all you had open was this? Wow, well I’m on my lunch hour or 4 so just hit the power off and on about 25 times, that should clear up the memory and fix it, they say ok and I walk away. I don’t leave yet though, I hide a few feet from his desk and listen, and this is going to be great! I hear him counting, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, BOOM! Ha-ha! That took care of that, I run back to my desk to grab my tape of me saying “No don’t do that you’ll screw it up!” I love that tape, of course you’ll remember it from other episodes to. I walk past and the luser is in tears saying “I don’t know what happened” again the boss walks buy and asks what happened, the luser starts to say “He told me to turn it on and off a few times to clear memory” and I cut him off and say no I didn’t I tried to tell you not to and play the tape, watching a luser **** themselves is a time honored tradition with bastard system Admins and it still gets me laughing every time. I leave for lunch and go visit a friend working at another company, we chat for a few hours and talk about what we want to do this weekend.
4:00 PM: I get back to work and the luser is sitting at there desk packing, wow this could actually get fun, as I’m walking passed him I hear “You bastard!” I turn around and they look as if they can see my eyes turn black. I walk back out in the parking lot, grab the can of paint thinner, and pour it on his 1946 classic ford, and walk back in, I wait a few minutes and decide to play a game while I wait, a few hours pass and I go for a walk and realize the luser hasn’t left yet, I look outside and see that his car looks like it was supposed to come in the rust color and smile, I go back to my chair and listen. I hear the scream all the way in here, I walk outside and the luser is face down almost dying, I laugh and walk away, he asked for it. I walk back inside and the boss is waiting for me, he says he still wants to hire someone to help me out in the labs and I say “Tell you what, if I get to pick the person myself, I’ll do it” he seems to have a sigh of relief not realizing that I’ll pick someone like me and he wont have that “witness” he wants. I go back into my lab and check usage, 79% and rising, oh its kill time now, I look for the lusers using the most bandwidth. Aha! [email protected] decided he would download Windows datacenter server on MY network, I’m not eve going to unplug this one, I send him a few “unhappy packets” and his machine reboots, then I log into his account and see he’s been doing this for a while, he has almost ever version of Windows created and enough mp3s to listen to music for a day, I take a trip down to his machine and I see he tried giving himself more space and somehow succeeded and so I switch the HD in his machine with a 2 GB drive running windows 95 and set up his NIC so it uses the 10MB option instead of the 100MB option, then I realize he’s coming back down the hallway so I leave and watch, when he logs back in he cant find his downloaded stuff and doesn’t know what happened and sits there for a minute and then I walk away. I’m getting bored so I write a small script and release it on our warez guy, every time he tries to connect to the internet his computer now restarts in fdisk. I think he will like it. Well I’m getting bored again, I go install a new firewall on all the luser computers and set it to not allow traffic from a site with the following letters, after typing the whole alphabet I walk away and install a port blocker and some new software on the computers. I stroll past accounting and decide to have some fun, I change the addresses for very employee to that of another employee and have the bosses’ sent to my house in my name, those damn glitches!
8:00 PM: Well, my 12 hour day is over, so I’m leaving, just as I’m about to go, I sneak some “stay awakes” into the coffee machine, tomorrow will definitely be more fun watching lusers bounce around like balls.
Coming in the next episode or two: The bastard system admin from Michigan gets a helper! And trains him!
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BASTARD SYSTEM ADMIN FROM MICHIGAN
#6
Written entirely by: gore.
Your process was killed so I could play Tron, that’s right; I’m the Bastard sys Admin from Michigan.
8:00 AM: Well I sure have enjoyed my vacation, the company had a “huge problem with the network” so I had a vacation as they had another company come in and lay new cables in the building. Hmm, I can’t help but wonder what ******* would do something like that to a place? He he, they’ll never figure out there was nothing wrong and that I just edited the amount of bandwidth aloud on the servers, oh well, my boss should have given me a raise instead of a “helper”.
8:30 AM: I walk in and the boss reminds me I’m late. I remind him I don’t care and that I am tired and he seems to understand. I walk in and see some weird looking guy sitting in a chair placed next to mine. Before I even walk in I look at the boss, what in the hell is that?
He says its my assistant, I almost smacked him, but then again we cant judge everyone by looks alone, hell bill gates has power doesn’t he? I walk in and sit down at my desk and realize he’s actually on the phone talking to a user…I’m disappointed already… wait, what’s this? A “REAL SYS ADMINS DO IT IN WINDOWS 95” SHIRT?????????????
My jaw lands nicely in my lap and I look at him in disgust, how dare you call your self a sys admin! While he turns to take ANOTHER call from a user I see my chance and run with it, I pull out my lighter and start his shirt on fire and smile.
He drops the phone and jumps up screaming, looks like he just got the flaming screen of death. You’d think he’d be used to things like that.
I’m starting to doubt that I’ll be getting along with him for much longer, he looks at me like its my fault he cant pick an OS with class, I mean come one Windows 95 was a joke wasn’t it? (Yes we all hope and pray it was but deep down we know the true horror that people actually thought it was an OS) I look up and see him very angry looking, I ask him what he’s looking at me like that about and he says it was very rude of me to do that and “what’s worse I was taking a call” I think I need to train him quick I cant take this damn lusers are people too bullshit.
I stand up and give him the look of death and he shuts up and sits down, I tell him while he’s in MY lab, I’m HIS boss.
Me: what in the hell are you thinking man, no real sys admin uses 95!
Him: but I like it and I can just point at the things I want to use and I can see them on my screen in color.
Me: I’m going to murder you in your sleep.
10:00 AM: I’m taking lunch early because well I’m bored and I’m going to go pick something up for the lab…actually just for me but who cares? I leave and run home and grab a couple of Linux and Free BSD boxes I had in my house with nothing to do, my OC-256 connection hasn’t seemed to lag and so I don’t need the extra firewalls. (These boxes are Pentiums running at about 300MHz, nothing big just something to have fun on with a *NIX distro) I come back to the office and walk in; he is on the phone again! I set down the cart I used to carry the PCs in with me and look at him. He looks up and hangs up the phone; he asks me what “those things are”. I tell him there magical annoyance killer and he looks scared, I like that.
I start to hook up the PCs and turn them on, I don’t have these things start up in GUI mode and he almost faints, ugh he’s such an end user. I set them all up and begin plugging them into the network.
12:00 PM: Look I’m actually going to lunch at a regular time today, for once. I have to, I have work I need to get done today, I eat lunch and run back to the lab, I see he brought his lunch with him and he’s eating an apple. What the hell is this? No coffee, no sugared drinks, water and an apple, I soon learn again the funny taste of powdered tooth enamel in my mouth. Oh well, on to the work, I make sure every PC is hooked into the network, then I boot up and thanks to DJCP it grabs me an IP and I’m on, muahahahahahaha.
I check out the network and see someone is checking there mail, I see there mailing the boss to say how much they like the new admin way better than the bastard old one, ok now that is a death wish. I log her out of her account and tell MR nice guy to get the hell away from the phone I’m taking the next one. Of course it rings at once, I answer Hello?
It’s Mrs. I hate the bastard saying her connection is down and she’s trying to get work done, I say “Well I’m doing a few things on the network too and hooking up new PCs to it so wait a few minutes and it should be up again soon, I wouldn’t want to seem like a mean bastard or nothing” its always good to keep them on there toes not sure if you read there mail there mind or guessed, he he.
I check out who’s on and see my boss using a lot of bandwidth downloading something to his “Images” folder. Hmm this could be useful at another time so I make sure I back up everything onto a ZIP disk. I didn’t know my boss was into beastiality but I bet his wife would love to hear about it, and the CEO, oh yea, he would love me then. Well, now that I backed that up and put it on a zip disk I guess its back to the mailer problem, hmmmm, I think ill edit this mail, I cut her off as she was about to hit send so now I have a good excuse to say its already sent, I take out everything and delete the mail but since I’m logged in as her on the Linux box its easy to make the problem a positive, hehe.
[[email protected]] => mail –s “Hello Sir” boss@company
Hi, this is your secretary and I just wanted to say that I cant stand that new system admin, he was very rude, the old Bastard is so much better and he knows what he is talking about, please fire the new guy.
Luser.
^D
Well, now that I’m done with this time to log out and plug her back in.
I plug her connection back in and call her to say her connection should be fine now, she thanks me and hangs up.
She calls back a minute later to ask if her mail had been sent and I say yes it sent right before the network was down. She says ok with a “ha-ha I got you fired” attitude, I giggle thinking no you got me a raise. We hang up and I walk out into the lab to check on things, I see someone sitting at the main computer in the lab with a big grin, they look up and see me and **** themselves and I look at the screen to see “downloading bigpornmovie.mpeg” and also “trying to access root account” I look at him with an evil grin and walk away, When I get to my desk I sit down, see who he is and then log him out, he doesn’t bother calling knowing damn well what happened but has no idea whats about to happen. What he doesn’t know is that his box is Windows 98 SE and that im logged in it right now, I write up a quick bath file and add it to start up, I edit everything, if certain phrases are used near a sentence with my name in it, his HD is formatted, every time he send an e-mail now one also goes to my e-mail address and the Boss also gets one, and every time he tries to look at a website his computer crashes. I think he will learn now.
2:00 PM: Well, guess who sent an e-mail to his friends about how much of an ******* me and the boss are? Guess who also just got fired. I see him in the parking lot and decide to have some fun. I hot the magical “switch of death” I have on my desk and pick a space in the parking lot, I pick his car and super soakers on top of the building filled with paint remover and salt water (Two guns) begin blasting his car, the mixture hits at just the right angle so while one part of the car is getting paint remover sprayed at it, a few seconds of delay allow for a lovely paint peeling effect as the salt water starts spraying the rest. I look out and see him piss himself in shock as he sees his car melt away. Could this get anymore fun??? I see the “lil helper monkey” walk in and ask what I’m doing. I tell him to shut up and go check on the lusers and he does, his shirt he borrowed says I’m an idiot because I think I’m a sys admin and can’t use Linux. Fits him well, after a lil laughing I look outside to see the I want root access **** head crying, well my work here is done, I think ill go play some more.
3:00 PM: Well before I go home I guess I should make something for myself to do tomorrow, I walk around and give every Windows box on the network a virus, nothing bad just enough to screw every .doc file on the network, hey I’m bored ok?
I start playing the Sex Pistols and realize everyone is looking at me like I have a nipple on my forehead and I ask what? No one says a thing they all just walk away. Oh well, I’m going home for the night, the Boss follows me and asks about what I think of the new guy, I say he’s an idiot and has no right being called a system admin and that I want him fired, I remind him of his lil “images” folder and he almost shits himself. I realize that the last time I was here I put stay awake pills into the coffee and forgot, no wonder the boss has been all jittery today and then the co workers are all bouncing around, this is kind of fun! The boss asks about the “images” folder and I say oh don’t worry I made a lot of copies, some on disk some online and some on an FTP I set up and he almost cries, I say to him that I will be getting a raise and I will also be picking the next sys admin he thinks should be my helper or they will be sent to the news papers. He agrees and says I can do whatever I want, ahh finally. I can’t believe it took so long for him to see I own. I walk out the door and start my car up and start driving home, tomorrow will be a lot more fun.
Coming in the next episode:
What could possibly be a helper for someone so mean? Find out next time when our hackin’ hero gets more money per hour and a new helper.
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BASTARD SYSTEM ADMIN FROM MICHIGAN
#7
Written entirely by: gore.
You thought rm -rf / on your file server was a bastard, then you met me.
7:00 AM: I awake from my long vacation to the fone ringing. I answer and it’s my boss, big surprise huh? “Gore we need you here now!” I love how I have him trained to call me by my handle.
“What’s wrong?” I ask. Well, I decided to take a trip into the server room, the one only you, the helper and me have access too, and well I noticed there wasn’t much free space on the one marked “file server” so I asked my brother in law how to delete things.
He told me that rm filename worked and he said to delete a lot of extensions at once use an asterisk symbol and so I figured id help make your job easier today and I typed rm *.* and I said yes to the question, I didn’t read it but in Windows it only asks if I’m sure I want these to go to the recycling bin anyway and now no one can access the server.
7:30 AM: “preparing application for garbage collector for the city” How ****ing dumb can he person be? I get up and hop in the shower and prepare for work (swallow down some valium with a pot of espresso) and start driving in.
7:45 AM: The Valium is kicking in and so I’m nice and calm. Driving to work I pop in my Acid Bath CD and blare it loudly. Everyone seems to be staring at me, oh well. I pull into the parking lot, my dumb ass boss is waiting for me in tears, wow, and this might get good.
7:55 AM: I decided to lock my doors and sit in front of the boss in my car smoking before I got out. He looks madder than sad now. I get out and he runs up to me. “Shut up I don’t care just go away and ill fix it”. Oh ok. **** that worked well. I should try this more often, oh well.
8:00 AM: I walk in and see everyone looking mad, good there pissed and I’m not. I walk into my office/computer lab and sit down, log in and then go to check the server. I actually had back ups so everything is fine, well right now, that dumb ass is going to learn the hard way to leave **** alone so I delete all the back ups and start reformatting the server.
The boss walks in and asks what is going on and I say “Well we lost everything because you deleted all of it and the back ups, the back ups were stored in the romulator chip of the bios on this server and you killed it” Dumb ass mode on.
He looks at me in shock and almost faints. Score!
I tell him to let everyone know why they lost all there work and he almost cries again. I grab the Free BSD install CDs and pop them in.
10:00AM: Well the servers back up and running and I think my boss has been shot; they were pretty pissed to hear he killed everything. Oh well I don’t like him anyway.
I walk back in and sit down, I have to think long and hard, who the hell is devious enough to be MY assistant? I think for a little while but decide to put it off for a bit. I look at network load and see it at 99% what the ****?????????
I get up quickly and check to see where it’s coming from. I see it’s the one person in the building who not only can’t leave things alone but actually thinks he knows what he is talking about when he screws up.
I walk into his office and ask him “what in the **** are you doing?” he asks “what do you mean?” oh great answer a question with an idiotic one.
I say to him that the network is overloaded and all of it is coming from his machine.
What are you talking about I only have one application open!
I look on his computer screen and see a $700 program running that we do not have.
What is that? “Oh, that’s mine, I found it online!” So you pirated software?
“No! I found it on this website and it said I could get software for free, it was something like cracked4free.com I think”
I decide not to ask him to move; I just push his wheeled chair away very hard and look at his PC. I ask him what he has changed this time and he says “Oh nothing at all, but I found a lot of these free software sites online and so I just added them to “network neighborhood” for quicker access”
Funny, I never thought I would taste powdered tooth enamel again this soon. I refrain from choking him but remember his log in name and password after telling him I’m taking his PC in for a format.
Him: Why? I need that!
Me: because you are a ****ing moron
Him: I’m telling your boss!
Me: I’ll tell him about the warez you installed and what you did.
Him: I didn’t do anything though!
Me: Those sites were Warez sites, you broke the law, don’t make me have you arrested idiot, I am root, you are luser, learn your role and shut up.
Him: That is so mean!
Me: I know, and no, I don’t care.
I walk out with his PC and back to my office and sit down. I hook his PC up and write down his username and password for later on fun.
I pop in the Windows 2,000 CD and reformat it and start reinstalling as I log in as him and send the boss a quick mail.
“Dear *******,
I know we have gotten along well and you were giving me a raise soon, but iv decided to come forward, I’ve been sleeping with your wife and your daughter for about 9 months now, I know this is a shock but we had a threesome once a week and I had a great time. Just thought id thank you for allowing me to get off with your family, sincerely,
-Luser.
PS: the baby is not yours.
I’m so funny sometimes.
12:00PM: I decide to leave for lunch because I hear the boss faint; I definitely want to see this one. I get up and watch in the parking lot as the boss kicks the **** out of and fires the luser. Score!
I see the luser get in his car and leave as the boss tries to calm down. I grab my laptop and sign on from the wireless access point we have for emergencies like this. I log into my machine with a special back door I installed.
I e-mail the boss to tell him how funny it was watching him kick the luser’s ass and that I caught the hole thing on camera and I already have it uploaded to an FTP in case he tries anything to destroy the evidence, since we all know that the luser does not believe in cops.
The boss quickly replies asking what I want. Woot! I mail him back reminding him of a joke I made that I wanted a T3 in my house and that he would be paying for it someday.
I tell him that I was not joking and that he will be paying for this for me out of his pocket and to not pretend he can’t afford it.
(This man makes around 100k a year and already owns his house and 5 BMWs.) Another quick reply from captain dumb ass, Woot! I’m getting a T3 this week!
I decide to have some fun and call the lusers house, his wife answers the fone and I tell her “I’m sorry I have to be the one telling you this but, we had to fire your husband today” What???????? She says.
“I know he’s been with us for 10 years but what he did was bad” What did he do that was so awful? He needs his job we have a baby on the way and our electricity is about to be shut off! “Well, he was sleeping with his manager’s wife” What?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I’ll kill him!
“I’m sorry I had to be the one to tell you”
Don’t you worry; I’ll take care of this, thank you for telling me.
I hang up and giggle a bit thinking what will happen to him. The boss walks in and says “I hope you like your new connection, you’re expensive”
I know, but I’m worth it. Have you decided on a helper yet? He asks. Sort of, an old friend of mine Aeallison may work out ok.
In the next Episode: Will our hackin’ hero make more luser’s life’s hell?
Do you really have to ask that honestly?
Will Aeallison be hired in to help out gore? Who the hell knows but lets keep the humor flowing!
Stay tuned to gore for more and see what this ******* can come up with next!
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BASTARD SYSTEM ADMIN FROM MICHIGAN
#8
Written entirely by: gore.
You thought Windows ME was a bastard, and then you met me.
8:00AM: I wake up and get read for work and give Aeallison a call. “Hey your coming down to my company today they want a helper monkey for me and I think you need money”
“No I don’t” he says. Check your bank account online I say. “YOU BASTARD!” Yea I know, see you in an hour “click”.
I laugh and get ready for work. Odd how things electronic do what I want when I want.
I have a feeling today will be a fun filled adventure.
I arrive at work only an hour late and walk in to my area and sit down, log in and like clockwork the fone rings.
Ugh, might as well. Today will be fun.
Hello? Yes is this the computer room? Yes it is, thanks for your call, “click”.
A minute later, “ring” Hello? You ***** I was not done talking! Oh! I’m so sorry sir, I thought you were. He sounds like he is unsure about the response and says “well you should be! I work harder than you ever did.”
Ok enough playing around now I’m mad. What is your problem? “Well I can’t log in, a moron like you has probably screwed with something they don’t understand and screwed it up.”
Me: You mean like you are doing as we speak?
Him: What are you talking about? *click* *typing*
I write a quick shell script that activates when he logs in. I find the problem he was having and fix it. I want to hear his reaction. I tell him to try it now.
Him: Oh its letting me log on now, it’s about damn time; you morons are all over paid anyway.
Me: Oh I’m so glad ill be able to hear this.
Him: Wait! I logged in and it said “mail sent” I wasn’t typing any e-mail!
Me: Yes you were, those millions of log in attempts cluttered our mail servers quota data for the stock ram.
***** head mode on*
Him: Oh, well at least it’s working now, you *****.
Me: Oh yes I guess I am over paid… As I’m talking he gets a reply from the “sent mail”
Him: Oh no! My boss got a copy of the files I had stored on the server! He fired me!
Who new the boss and his wife and kids would get an e-mail of a picture the security cameras picked up of him having sex with another male coworker; darn I guess its just bad luck.
I look through his profile and find all of his personal information.
After signing him up for 300 porn magazines and making a quick phone call to a friend who will be pretending to play a prank on this guys by waiting at home for him in bed with her I think I’ve pretty well solved this one.
My friend has this ability to make people think he is one of those hidden camera show people, but when the husband gets home he’s going to run out the door putting clothes on and not say anything about a show, that should leave them with some talking to do huh?
I leave for lunch and see he is on his way home. What the hell ill fallow, ill give my friend a ride home.
I pull a few houses away and decide to wait. I hear a loud “what the ****?!”
I look up and see my friend bolting out of there and I go pick him up and drop him off at home. Wow its fun being me.
I pull in the parking lot at work and see Aeallison standing there.
“Hey man”. Hi, I say.
You ***** what happened to my bank account? Oh nothing *smile*
Yea right, he says.
Well this is where you’re going to be working, lets try you out.
I walk in with him and find the boss and say this is the man being hired as my assistant. He looks at Aeallison and says ok. I walk into the lab and tell him to always be carrying a cat5 cable or something so no one asks you questions; they think you’re working this way.
11:00 AM: Aeallison has been answering calls and being nice…what the hell? I need to retrain this boy, his bastard balls are in some luser’s jar somewhere.
11:30 AM: I install 15 backdoors on Aeallison’s machine and log in it from mine and send a few mails to his son on college.
Dear Son,
I know we haven’t talked much lately, but there is a reason for this. You see I was afraid to talk to you because I wanted you to stay in the dark about my personal life. You see, I am a homosexual. It’s a secret I have kept from everyone, Your Mother and I had you purely for cover up purposes. I’m sorry Son you had to know this but I needed to tell you, you were born so people would stop calling your’ Mother a Clam Licker, and me a **** sucker. Again I am sorry son, but I felt you should know.
-Gay Dad. (Yes I know readers it’s a punk band.)
1:00PM: I guess I could spice things up for the next holiday at Aeallison’s house:
Dear Dad,
I know we only talk on holidays but I felt there is something you should know. The reason I was mad about you hooking me up with that girl last semester was because I had a boyfriend at the time. I know this is hard to understand but I felt I needed to tell you,
-Son.
1:30 PM: Well I guess Aeallison might get his meanness back to him so we have the bastard duo back again. I really crack myself up sometimes.
I guess before I leave early today I can do one more thing. I walk into the boss’s office and lay out a few high times and crack whore monthly magazines and call up the CEO and tell him what I have found, he rushes down and cannot believe what he sees, he leaves a note on the boss’s desk to see him later on and I walk away and leave for the night, I’m tired and going to bed.
In the next episode:
Will the competition I have in bastard writing be able to squeeze out of these places I put them in with my total ***** skills? Will our hackin’ hero destroy more luser lives? Stay tuned to the biggest bastard of them all to see!
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Who knew id get this far, anyway, enjoy.
