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Thread: Computer Humor

  1. #1
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    Talking Computer Humor

    I got these from here

    Dr. Seuss Comes to My Computer

    Bits. Bytes. Chips. Clocks.
    Bits in bytes on chips in box.
    Bytes with bits and chips with clocks.
    Chips in box on ether-docks.

    Chips with bits come. Chips with bytes come.
    Chips with bits and bytes and clocks come

    Look, sir. Look, sir. Read the book, sir.
    Let's do tricks with bits and bytes sir.
    Let's do tricks with chips and clocks, sir.

    First, I'll make a quick trick bit stack.
    Then I'll make a quick trick byte stack.
    You can make a quick trick chip stack.
    You can make a quick trick clock stack.

    And here's a new trick on the scene.
    Bits in bytes for your machine.
    Bytes in words to fill your screen.

    Now we come to ticks and tocks, sir.
    Try to say this by the clock, sir.

    Clocks on chips tick.
    Clocks on chips tock.
    Eight byte bits tick.
    Eight bit bytes tock.
    Clocks on chips with eight bit bytes tick.
    Chips with clocks and eight byte bits tock.

    Here's an easy game to play.
    Here's an easy thing to say:

    If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
    And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
    And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
    Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

    If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
    And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
    And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
    then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

    You can't say this?
    What a shame sir!
    We'll find you
    Another game sir.

    If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
    Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
    But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
    That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

    And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
    So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
    Then you may as well reboot and take them all out with a bang,
    'Cause as sure as bytes have nibbles, your computer's gonna hang!

    When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
    And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
    Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
    Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
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  2. #2
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    Exclamation Is Windows A Virus ?

    No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

    1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

    2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

    3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

    4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

    5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

    Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
    So Windows is not a virus.

    It's a bug.
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  3. #3
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    Task: Shoot Yourself in The Foot

    C: You shoot yourself in the foot.

    C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."

    FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because you have no exception-handling capability.

    Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

    Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover you can't because your foot is of the wrong type.

    COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied.

    LISP:
    You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ...

    FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.

    Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to explain it to you.

    BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

    Visual Basic: You'll really only _appear_ to have shot yourself in the foot, but you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't care.

    HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.

    Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

    APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.

    SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.

    Unix:

    % ls
    foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
    % rm * .o
    rm:.o no such file or directory
    % ls
    %
    Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

    370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.

    Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too.

    Access: You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all your Borland distribution diskettes instead.

    Revelation: You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty little bullet-thingies are for.

    dBase: You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to actually shoot bullets.

    PL/I: After consuming all system resources including bullets, the data processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes and drops the original on your foot.

    Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.
    or:
    You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops around the room rabidly shooting at everyone in sight.

    Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
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  4. #4
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    [QUOTE] Originally posted by ac1dsp3ctrum
    [B]Task: Shoot Yourself in The Foot
    [B]
    C: You shoot yourself in the foot.

    C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."

    FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because you have no exception-handling capability.

    Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

    Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover you can't because your foot is of the wrong type.

    COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied.

    LISP:
    You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ...

    FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.

    Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to explain it to you.

    BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

    ETC ETC ETC .............



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