February 7th, 2002, 11:15 PM
These jokes are from here
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and
communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not
determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the
airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a
handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window.
The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the
tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and
held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer
to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the
co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped
determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because,
similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but
completely useless answer."
BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then
re -attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB,
and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service
you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying
too much for the AT&T virus.
SPRINT VIRUS: Every three minutes, you hear a pin drop
out of your machine.
YUGOSLAVIA VIRUS: Almost immediately fragments into several
autonomous parts. Then it violently tries to reassemble
itself for the next 150 years.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around.
It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by
LAN, twice if by C:>.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but
instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless
of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you
to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just
before the whole damn thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident.
It'll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Goes into your spellchecker and updates the
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of
people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of
which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38
percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus
a 3.5 percent margin of error.)
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you
choose "Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits
erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming
the other side for the problem.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Tries to have you removed as the rightful
owner of the computer, even though everybody else wants you to be
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying
its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self
destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service
stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables,
powersupply and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot
up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it
all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing
wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last
in the reviews, but you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars,
it's programmer will take it back.
February 7th, 2002, 11:23 PM
Particularly liked the helicopter one!
I've never had to experience (endure?) the MS tech. support helpline, and I hope I never do have to!!