February 11th, 2002, 01:26 AM
Techronia Technical Support Services
"The world of technology can be difficult for some." - Press Release
We offer a range of quality services to satisfy any possible technical support requirement. Time and time again, companies rely on our services to fish their workers out of daily situations and problems. Most companies only give you the "royal shaft" treatment, Techronia gives you the answers. We probe deep into the partially working minds of our clients and delve into their shallow waters to discover what they want from us. Whether it's the fact that they are incapable of figuring out a device like the "mouse" that 6.7 million other people know how to use, or finding that ever elusive power switch for the monitor, we are here to help.
Lets look at just some of the service offerings available from Techronia at competitive industry rates...
Techronia Phone Support
When the statement "Click Here" isn't clear enough; when "Press any key to continue..." doesn't provide enough options; when "Are you sure you wish to format non-removable device?" is just not informative enough, Techronia will be there. Tony Pallers explains, "It was about 3:45pm and we received a call from what we classify here as a Loser User... ", stopping momentarily to reminisce he continues in the sound of the users voice, "I have lost all my files! I go to drive 'A' just like the book says, and the computer says there is nothing there!" Tony continues in his normal voice, "I asked the user if he took the disk in drive A out. The user on the other end of the phone is silent for a few seconds and replies, 'yeah, why do you ask?' To which I replied, "BECAUSE YOUR FILES ARE ON THAT ****ING DISK YOU *****!" Quick, accurate service makes Techronia, support firm chart topper for the past 5 years.
Techronia Priority Out Of Hours Wanker Service
"I remember one client calling... It was about 2am and he used our Priority Out of Hours Wanker Service... He called saying that his screen was blank, his mind was blank, and he needed to start writing a presentation due to management the next morning." recalls technician Bob Goldbalm. "We immediately provided a solution, by asking the user to plug the computer in, "For the thing to work, just plug it in, moron!". "It's moments like this, to hear the squeals of glee from this ****ing moron that make me feel like I am doing my job." says Bob shaking his head in disbelief.
Techronia Group Therapy
It doesn't just end at simple phone support for our customers... Since things like, undeleteing files clients so recklessly deleted isn't always possible, we offer stupidity consultations. We open up user groups to talk about where their stupidity originated. Heredity, social status, the fact that they received a pink slip 3 weeks ago but are still working for the company, are all group discussion topics that bring subjects into the open. Although most of the clients are irreparably moronic for the rest of their lives, we can look at ways of curving the impact of their truly stupid acts from effecting the remainder of the company.
Techronia Out of Hours On-Site
It was about 11:30 on a Sunday morning, when I get a request to go onto a client site. When I arrive, a man flailing his arms comes up to me and states, "I'm trying to print this document!...And the printer wont work! Why can't you guys get this printing thing right?" the user said. I approached the printer, pointed to it, and said, "Do you know what that blinking red light next to 'PAPER JAM' means?", to which there was the usual pause and, "No?" Opening the printer I exclaimed, "It means there is a ****ing paper jam, as in open the printer, and take the ****ing paper out, ****." Our on-site support not only resolves the immediate problem, but helps instruct the user on how to resolve the problem in future incidences, rather then resorting to their usual complete display of arrogance.
For further information on these and many other services, contact 1-800-DUM-USER
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