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  1. #1
    Flash M0nkey
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Posts
    3,447

    Talking Annoyances.org

    Thanx to {PP}Apocalypse for pointing this site out in this post
    I was soooo amused by it I thought it deserved a thread all to itself

    giggles
    Windows 95 Source Code

    Warning: do not compile; unpredictable results
    Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
    Project: Version - Windows 95

    Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

    #include
    #include
    #include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
    #include /* For the court of law */

    #define say(x) lie(x)
    #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
    #define next_year soon
    #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

    void main()
    {
    if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
    {
    if (there_are_still_bugs)
    market(bugfix);
    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
    raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_blank_BUGLESS_VERSION);
    }
    while(everyone_chats_about_blank_version)
    {
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
    lie.h */
    if (rumours_grow_wilder)
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
    {
    market_time=ripe;
    say("It will be ready in one month);
    order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
    order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_blank_version);
    order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
    vapourware=TRUE;
    break;
    }
    }
    switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
    {
    case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
    say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
    break;
    case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
    say("Yes it will work");
    ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
    pretend(there_is_no_problem);
    break;
    case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
    say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
    " the 32 bits architecture");
    inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
    inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
    "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
    inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
    get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
    break;
    case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
    say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
    everyone");
    register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
    when(time_is_ripe)
    {
    arrest(journalist);
    brainwash(journalist);
    when(journalist_says_windows_95_is_bugfree)
    {
    order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
    release (journalist);
    }
    }
    break;
    }
    while (vapourware)
    {
    introduction_date++; /* Delay */
    if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
    break;
    say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
    }
    release(beta_version)
    while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
    {
    bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
    release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
    introduce(more_memory_requirements);
    if (customers_report_installation_problems)
    {
    say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
    if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
    {
    ignore(customer);
    order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
    bastard");
    }
    }
    if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
    {
    divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
    wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
    marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
    devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
    if (boobies_start_to_hang)

    dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
    }
    if (there_is_another_company)
    {
    steal(their_ideas);
    accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
    hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
    wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
    buy_out(other_company);
    }
    }
    /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
    us */
    order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
    buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
    laugh_at(everyone,
    for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
    }


    void bugfix(void)
    {
    charge (a_lot_of_money)
    if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
    say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
    if (still_complaints)
    {
    ignore(customer);
    register(customer, big_Bill_book);
    /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
    }
    }


    v_Ln

  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2001
    Posts
    262

    Talking

    Cute and very true

    No good deed goes unpunished.

  3. #3
    Priapistic Monk KorpDeath's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2001
    Posts
    2,628
    lol. cute. Points to {PP}Apocalypse ...
    Mankind have a great aversion to intellectual labor; but even supposing knowledge to be easily attainable, more people would be content to be ignorant than would take even a little trouble to acquire it.
    - Samuel Johnson

  4. #4
    Banned
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Posts
    853
    u have to wonder how many people actually get that hehe i mean with the amount of script kids on here the majority probably cant code but i guess its still funny cause it said microsoft hehe i mean nething on a security site mentioning microsoft must be funny..... right heeh honestly dont like it dont use it simple as that im sick of hearing how ppl hate ms but stilll use it make sense i think not hehe ohh well
    RIOtEr

  5. #5
    Flash M0nkey
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Posts
    3,447
    /me would be hoping majority of peps would get it

    hmmmmm but then again.......... damn |<iddies have to spoil everything >_<;

    v_Ln

  6. #6
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Posts
    242
    haha, pretty good.
    my pages: (great resources for everyone)
    geeksarecool.com resource for computers, hacking, virii, wutnot.
    thepillbox.net archive of logs and resource for laughter.
    --enjoy these pages, as they grow.

  7. #7
    Cool, now we have the Windows95 source code. To see the Windows98 source, go here: http://www.antionline.com/showthread...hreadid=232561 . Anybody have WindowsXP or MSOffice?

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