March 22nd, 2002, 10:03 PM
Jokes for Friday
John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to' Bring this note to your beautiful Mummy.' The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to 'Bring this to your silly Daddy.' The note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to 'The lady in the kitchen'. The note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to 'Take this to the poor man upstairs'. The note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!
One day Pete was complaining to his friend 'my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor'. His friend said 'Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00.' Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks. Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine, get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better!
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It was just a bug
Current Rating PG Current Ranking 69 /100
Date Added 12/21/01 Popularity 23279 hits
PRINT THIS JOKE
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off and angrily tosses it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12 year old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden, the penis smacks against the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her father, 'Daddy, what was that?'
Not wanting to expose his twelve year old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, 'It was only a bug, Honey.'
The daughter sits with a confused look on her face and after a few minutes says, 'Sure had a big penis, didn't it?'
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, as them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she Tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?
After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.
Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh my God!!!" and then hang up.
Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.
Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder...
Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
March 22nd, 2002, 11:24 PM
lol....It's Friday, so I'm sure I'll hear from about a hundred telemarketers in the next 48 hours...now I have some fun games to play with them!
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.