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Thread: Funny Bits and Pieces

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    Toledo, OH

    Talking Funny Bits and Pieces

    Just some funny stuff I found whilst surfing at 1130 PM:

    Rejected titles for the Movie "Twister"

    16) "Totally Gone With The Wind"
    15) "Lift and Separate"
    14) "Boys On The Side--Of My Barn"
    13) "The Weather Channel: The Movie"
    12) "Schindler's Twist"
    11) "Field Of Debris"
    10) "Dead Man Flying"
    9) "I, Cumulus"
    8) "One House Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest"
    7) "The Splintered Bridges Of Madison County"
    6) "Wizard Of Oz II: The Search For Toto"
    5) "Killer Genuine Draft"
    4) "Four Weddings & A Funnel"
    3) "Indiana Jones And The Trailer Park Of Doom"
    2) "A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Farm"

    # 1 rejected movie title for the movie "Twister..."

    1) "Roofless in Seattle"

    One-Line Signatures captured from the Internet
    Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
    Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
    Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
    I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
    We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
    Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
    He who laughs last thinks slowest!
    Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
    "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
    Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
    Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
    I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
    Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
    Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
    I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
    "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
    Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
    I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
    The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
    Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
    The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
    When there's a will, I want to be in it.
    Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
    Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
    I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
    We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
    All generalizations are false.
    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
    C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
    "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

    Your starship captain might be a redneck if...

    your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
    he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
    you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"
    he refers to any intelligent alien race as "critters"
    he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"
    he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil
    he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
    he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"
    he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
    he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
    he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
    he says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"
    he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
    he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"
    he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"
    he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
    he paints the starship John Deere green
    he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"
    he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"
    his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
    he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"
    his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
    he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
    his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenie
    he sets phaser to "Cajun"
    he has ever ordered the Chief Engineer to dig out the jumper cables
    the warp reactor is coated in duct tape and Bond-O
    he orders the Sickbay to carry castor oil and turpentine
    he lights his cigarettes with his laser pistol
    he keeps livestock in the cargo bay
    he refers to the Kobiyashi Maru test as "the best target practice I ever had."
    the ship, all the shuttlecraft, and the ship's mascot are all named after Confederate war heroes
    he orders the ship into timewarp so he can have another go at the "Tuesday Night All-You-Can-Eat Ribs" buffet

    [glowpurple]Pun[/glowpurple] ishment
    When needled for a completion date the seamstress said 'a hem' - she was doing sew-sew and that it only seamed that the darn thing was taking a long time.
    The detective who went to investigate a burned down post office figured that it must be blackmail.
    A guy with money to burn may well find a gal who wants to play with fire.
    Home page: when your family makes your beeper go off.
    A beer recipe is a kind of brew-print.
    Then there was the guy who was fired from the orange juice factory for lack of concentration.
    College bred is a four-year loaf made out of the old man's dough.
    The inventor of chewing gum soon bubbled his money.
    There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
    Hotel owners usually have suite dreams.
    The designers of jeans are always looking at the bottom line.
    Old programmers never die ... they just can't C as well.
    People who like yogurt are well cultured.
    When the waiter was asked if crabs were served in his restauraunt he replied - oh yes ... we serve anybody!
    When the glassblower inhaled he got a pane in the stomach.
    The inventor of rope built a very large hempire.
    Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
    Concensus: counting the prison population.
    A cat ate some cheese, and waited for a mouse with baited breath.
    I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter, Spain good, but there is Norway I could eat another bite.
    Acupuncture is a jab well done.

    Family Problems
    Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation. After a while one of them said, "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had a son. This boy was my halfbrother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my halfbrother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather and you think you have family problems!"

    I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -- English Professor, Ohio University
    Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
    This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -- Dorothy Parker
    The meek shall inherit the earth, they are too weak to refuse.
    I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh
    Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
    Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
    A day without sunshine is like night.
    There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund?
    College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there to drink.
    When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. -- Abraham Maslow
    He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
    Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!
    The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
    There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

    You know you're too serious about computers...
    If you did an error-free installation of Windows 95.
    If no one can reach you by phone since your computer is always online.
    If you log-off your system because it's time to go to work.
    If you call in sick because you found a great new WWW site.
    If you can type your top 10 favorite Web sites, by heart.
    If you can locate a particular home page without using a search engine.
    If you can write your own html page.
    If you can access more than 20 erotic no-pay sites.
    If you download more than 20Mb from a binary newsgroup, in one session.
    If while reading a magazine, you look for the Zoom icon for a better look at a photograph.
    You comment, while watching a sunset, that the image would be enhanced with 10% more magenta and a higher resolution.
    If while driving down the street, you are confused by the numbers on the houses - they do not appear to be legitimate URLs.
    When someone tells you to remember something, and you look for File/Save command.
    When you discover there is no little car icon with a forward arrow on the dashboard of your car, to make it go.
    When you think the File/Kill command should apply to your system administrator.
    When you find it easier to dial-up the National Weather Service Weather/your_town/now.html than to simply look out the window.
    When you start using phrases like: Hungry.must-eat.food.now@home
    If you have a heart attack when you forgot to pay your phone bill and receive a "pending disconnection of service" notice.
    When you order most of what you buy... online.
    If your fingers quit moving because you've been online for 36 hours.
    When you find yourself engaged to someone you've never actually met; except through e-mail.
    When you log-off from a session in your favorite newsgroup... and your log reads: Online time: 56 hours 24 minutes.
    If your net provider suggests you try a competitor, because you're exceeding 300 hours a month, connect time.
    When you add your third modem and dedicated phone line.
    You access Microsoft's Web page every Sunday morning for Brother Bill's sermon.
    When that 112Gb hard drive is full.
    If 133 Mhz is simply too slow.
    When your desk collapses under the weight of your computer peripherals.
    If you have an "online" light installed on your car to tell you when the engine is running.
    When you discover that in order to drive your car somewhere, you do not enter an http:// or ftp:// address.
    If you can actually talk to the computers in your new car - and understand what they say.
    When you modify the programming of your car's computers and actually get better mileage.
    When you can access the Net - via your portable and cellular phone.
    If on the way home from work, you use your portable and cellular phone in your car, to reprogram a Tomahawk missile, in flight, and redirect it to take out the joker in the Cadillac who cut you off.
    If you try to press Alt-F4 to close your car window.
    When you put a data CD in your car's player.
    When someone tells you about a great new program and you're very disappointed to find it's on TV.
    If every sentence you utter begins with, "On the Net..."
    If you put your e-mail address in the upper left-hand corner of envelopes.
    If you have your e-mail address printed on your stationary.
    When you insist on seeing the movie "The Net" - for the 63rd time.
    If you maintain more than 6 e-mail addresses.
    If you use more than 20 passwords.
    If you set up your own Web page.
    If you set up a Web page for each of your kids... and your pets.
    If, instead of a phone number, you ask someone for their e-mail address.
    If you don't know anyone who DOESN'T have an e-mail addresses.
    If you convince your mom that she HAS to get online because e-mail is so much cheaper than long distance phone charges.
    If you can write a list like this.
    If you can relate to a list like this.

    Computer viruses you should know about:
    Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)
    Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
    Every time you try to connect to Delphi, it tells you the system is overloaded and drops you.
    This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C/:
    Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
    Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
    Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.
    It would be a virus, but it refuses to run.
    Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
    Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
    Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.
    Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
    Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
    Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. Tries to take all your resources.
    Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin or error).
    Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
    Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
    The computer locks up, screens splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
    Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
    You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
    Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
    Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
    Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs -- only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
    Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
    Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks. Keeps trying to log on to Prodigy.
    Your programs can never be found again.
    Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
    Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot-up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through your on-line account.
    Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
    Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.
    It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
    Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
    Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
    Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.
    O.J. VIRUS
    It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

    How things would be different if Microsoft was headquartered in South Georgia

    Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders.
    Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
    Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a hefty bag.
    Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw".
    Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
    The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse.
    Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"
    Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be Achy-Breaky Heart.
    PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt".
    Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++".
    Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag.
    Microsoft Word would be just that: one word.
    Instead of latte carts we'd have grit carts.
    New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now, Yah hear?!"
    Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
    Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
    Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse.
    Four words: Daisy Dukes Screen Saver.
    Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire...
    Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard.
    Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator.
    Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates.

    Obscure Laws
    The following laws are still on the books. Most are no longer enforced and many contemporary lawmakers are not even aware of the laws' existence or history. Some are state laws, some are local within the states.
    Check to see if you have broken any laws.
    It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
    Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try to stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
    You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
    You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.
    Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
    A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or they risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
    If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
    It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
    Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
    It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.
    Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
    Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within four hours after eating garlic.
    Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.
    By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
    It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.
    It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
    Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."
    Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
    Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
    An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
    Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
    A parent can be arrested if her/his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.
    New Mexico
    Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.
    New York
    A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
    North Dakota
    Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
    Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
    Violators can be fined, arrested, or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
    Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.
    Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
    A special cleaning ordinance bans homemakers from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.
    No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.
    A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
    It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
    Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week- - on Saturday night.
    All lollipops are banned.
    A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.
    West Virginia
    No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

    Rita Rudner's Facts About Women
    Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
    Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".
    Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
    Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
    Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
    Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
    Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what they're doing. It might be the lottery calling.
    Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.
    Women think all beer is the same.
    Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower.
    After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
    Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be.
    If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
    Women do *not* know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"
    The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
    Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
    Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
    "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
    All women are overweight by definition, don't agree with them about it.
    If it is not Valentines day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"
    Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking 2 seconds and lowering it themselves.
    Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

    Rita Rudner's Facts About Men
    Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
    Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
    Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
    Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
    Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
    Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
    All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
    A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
    All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
    Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
    Men have an easier time buying bathing suits.
    Women have two types: depressing and more depressing.
    Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
    Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
    Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
    Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
    If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
    If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," and if he
    a) got older,
    b) got a new job, or
    c) visited a psychiatrist,
    you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
    No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
    When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
    When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
    Men are less sentimental than women.
    No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
    Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?"
    Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
    If a man says, "I'll call you," and doesn't, he didn't forget, he didn't lose your number, he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
    Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
    Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you & I want to marry you; I want to have your children." Some-times they leave skid marks.
    Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
    Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause.
    With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes.
    Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
    Men forget everything; women remember everything.
    That's why men need instant replays in sports.
    They've already forgotten what happened.
    Ab Hoc Possum Videre Domum Tuum.

  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2001
    You have WAY too much time... funny stuff tho.

    Well done.
    God bless,
    I know you\'re out there. I can feel you now. I know that you\'re afraid. You\'re afraid of us. You\'re afraid of change. I don\'t know the future. I didn\'t come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it\'s going to begin. I\'m going to hang up this phone, and then I\'m going to show these people what you don\'t want them to see. I\'m going to show them a world without you, a world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.

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