Humpday funnies (truth is funnier than fiction)
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Thread: Humpday funnies (truth is funnier than fiction)

  1. #1
    Priapistic Monk KorpDeath's Avatar
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    Dec 2001

    Humpday funnies (truth is funnier than fiction)

    It's said truth is funnier than fiction.

    A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
    the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
    dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that
    there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one! -- Dr. Mark MacDonald,
    San Antonio, TX

    At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
    slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
    instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient. -- Dr. Richard

    Byrnes, Seattle, WA

    One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
    husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
    minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
    had died of a "massive internal fart." -- Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba,

    Have to have a good laugh at least once a day. Cheers!
    I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
    I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your
    right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left."
    Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He
    couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered
    that he had done exactly what I had asked-he was standing there with
    both his eyes covered! . -- Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

    During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,

    he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
    medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put
    on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
    I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see...
    Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include
    removal of the old patch before applying a new one. -- Dr. Rebecca St.
    Clair, Norfolk, VA

    While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
    have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
    answered... "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."

    -- Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

    I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your
    breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't
    seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see
    the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." --
    Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

    A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with
    purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos,
    and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the
    patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
    surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the
    staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it
    there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was
    completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
    which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
    Mankind have a great aversion to intellectual labor; but even supposing knowledge to be easily attainable, more people would be content to be ignorant than would take even a little trouble to acquire it.
    - Samuel Johnson

  2. #2
    Senior Member
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    Jul 2001


    Thank's for the laughs KorpDeath
    \"SI JE PUIS\"

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2001

    Thumbs up

    Haha very good my favorite is the last one.
    [gloworange]\"A hacker is someone who has a passion for technology, someone who is possessed by a desire to figure out how things work.\" [/gloworange]

  4. #4
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    KorpDeath everything you post is good and funny, but don't copy other's "projects".
    Last edited by ASPII on Then at 0 BC

  5. #5
    Senior Member
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    Aug 2001
    hip hop rules

  6. #6
    BS, EnCE, ACE, Cellebrite 11001001's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Just West of Beantown, though nobody from Beantown actually calls it "Beantown."
    Wicked funny!
    Keep 'em coming!
    That's Officer 11001001 to you...
    Now you see me | Now you don't
    "Relax, Bender; It was just a dream. There's no such thing as two." ~ Fry
    sometimes my computer goes down on me

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    Good one KorpDeath

  8. #8
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Gracias, KorpDeath, Hope you have more.
    --\"Seeking the expansion of the mentals...for always.\" [glowpurple]Mr. Po[/glowpurple]

  9. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Here are some things that were actually said in court (word for word):

    Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

    Q: Did he kill you?

    Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

    Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

    Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

    Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?

    Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?

    Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?

    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.

    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

    Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
    A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
    If you don\'t learn the rules nobody can accuse of cheating.

  10. #10
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Eh, those court quots would probably seem normal if you could read them in context. Perhaps a laywer wanted to make something extra clear, or was being sarcastic.
    Elen alcarin ar gwath halla ná engwar.

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