April 15th, 2002, 11:30 PM
Yet More Nerd Humor!
I've found even more humor!
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That's a hardware problem.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One always quits in the middle of the project.
Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
Q: How many OS/2 programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I think that's a device driver problem.
Q: How many program managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Let's get the marketers involved. We can sell this as a feature.
Q: How many managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to screw the lightbulb into a faucet.
Q: How many tech support guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We have an exact copy of that lightbulb here and it seems to be working fine. Canyou tell me what kind of system you have? OK. Just exactly how dark is it? OK. There could be four or five things wrong. Have you tried the light switch? Well, try it now. OK. Look over by the door. Is there a little rectangular thing on the wall? It might be a beige color. Good. That's called a light switch...
Q: How many help writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. In the future, we can move all of our docs on line, which means people won't need books or lightbulbs.
Q: How many developers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The lightbulb works fine on the system in my office. Not reproducible.
Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed lightbulb object would inherit a change method from a generic lightbulb class, so all you'd have to do is send it a bulb.change message.
Q: How many group assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?
Well, I hope you enjoyed. If you're annoyed by my nerd humor, deal with it.
I know you\'re out there. I can feel you now. I know that you\'re afraid. You\'re afraid of us. You\'re afraid of change. I don\'t know the future. I didn\'t come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it\'s going to begin. I\'m going to hang up this phone, and then I\'m going to show these people what you don\'t want them to see. I\'m going to show them a world without you, a world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.
April 15th, 2002, 11:35 PM
Being a tech support indivdual, I enjoyed. Lots.
The ark was built by amatures...
The Titanic was built by professionals.
April 15th, 2002, 11:36 PM
Some funny stuff here
Hmmm... /me goes and looks for a few good jokes
April 15th, 2002, 11:42 PM
Way funny. Got all sorts of people laughing over here.
Mankind have a great aversion to intellectual labor; but even supposing knowledge to be easily attainable, more people would be content to be ignorant than would take even a little trouble to acquire it.
- Samuel Johnson
April 15th, 2002, 11:53 PM
Can anybody tell me how to hack a lightbulbs password .
Um what is a lightbulb?
Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.....
April 16th, 2002, 12:58 AM
Nerd humor is the best kind.
Its not software piracy. Iím just making multiple off site backups.
April 16th, 2002, 02:38 AM
A Programmer and an Engineer
A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long
flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks
if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a
nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few
The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a
lotta fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the
answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know
the answer, I'll pay you $5. Again, the Engineer politely declines and
tries to get to sleep.
The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"
This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this
torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks
the first question. "What is the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out
a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.
Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a
hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his
laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the
Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of
Congress. Frustrated, he sends email to his co-workers -- all to no
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The
Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to
The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks
"Well, so what's the answer?"
Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the
Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
April 16th, 2002, 02:40 AM
Ten Commandments for Stress Free Programming
1. Thou shalt not worry about bugs.
Bugs in your software are actually special features.
2. Thou shalt not fix abort conditions.
Your user has a better chance of winning state lottery than getting the same abort again.
3. Thou shalt not handle errors.
Error handing was meant for error prone people, neither you or your users are error prone.
4. Thou shalt not restrict users.
Don't do any editing, let the user input anything, anywhere, anytime. That is being very user friendly.
5. Thou shalt not optimize.
Your users are very thankful to get the information, they don't worry about speed and efficiency.
6.Thou shalt not provide help.
If your users can not figure out themselves how to use your software than they are too dumb to deserve the benefits of your software anyway.
7. Thou shalt not document.
Documentation only comes in handy for making future modifications. You made the software perfect the first time, it will never need modifications.
8. Thou shalt not hurry.
Only the cute and the mighty should get the program by deadline.
9. Thou shalt not revise.
Your interpretation of specs was right, you know the users' requirements better than them.
10. Thou shalt not share.
If other programmers needed some of your code, they should have written it themselves.
April 16th, 2002, 02:42 AM
That used to be a blonde joke... I heard it a couple of times....
A lawyer and a blonde were sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leaned over to her and asked if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wanted to take a nap, so she said no and rolled over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persisted and explained that the game was really easy and a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."
She still didn't want to play and tried to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, said, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
That caught the blonde's attention and, figuring that there would be no end to this torment unless she played, she agreed to the game.
The lawyer asked the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde didn't say a word, reached into her purse, pulled out a five-dollar bill and handed it to the lawyer.
Then it was the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looked at her with a puzzled look. He took out his laptop and searched all his references. He tapped into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searched the internet. Frustrated, he sent E-mail to all his co-workers, and friends. All to no avail. After over an hour, he woke the blonde and handed her $50. The blonde politely took the $50 and turned away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little baffled, woke the blonde and asked, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reached into her purse, handed the lawyer $5, and went back to sleep
April 16th, 2002, 02:47 AM
Mwuahaha I found a huge list of them
How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
How many IBM CPU's does it take to turn on a light bulb?
33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt.
How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
We don't know yet. They're still waiting on a part.
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "We'll fix it in software."
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "We'll document it in the manual."
None. It's a hardware problem.
One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.
Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...
Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again.
It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working.
The change is 90% complete.
We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?
Only one, but she's not available. She's the only programmer we have who can get the <insert name here> software ready to ship to customers, and that's higher priority, you know.
Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.
How many real programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Real programmers prefer LEDs.
How many C programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they forgot to declare it first
How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?
24 hours - 3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile all the libraries.
How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?
Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.
How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a light bulb?
How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10
How many games machine programmers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he can put his light-bulb in their socket.
How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many Lisp programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
Notes: LISP is a recursive programming language. One problem LISP programmers have to contend with is infinite recursion. (cf computer dictionary entry: recursion - see recursion) These lisp heads are usually research AI types and their standard answer is as in the punchline. It could be improved:
(((H)mmm,) (I'm ((not) sure, better))) (find (out))...
How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "The user can work it out."
How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .
How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
Who can tell. FSE's are always in the dark.
Two. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem.
How long will it take?
That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them.
What if you have two dead bulbs?
They replace your fuse box.
How many system administrators does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just keep everyone out of the room.
How many IBM engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.
How many IBM PC owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses first.
How many IBM tech writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just define darkness as an industry standard.
How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?
One - but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the operation is started.
Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
How many MS tech supports does it take to change a light bulb?
"The light bulb doesn't work? You must be using a non-standard socket."
How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?
Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.
How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
472. One to write WinGetLight BulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLight Bulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.
How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - it has to be done by a local authorized dealer.
How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.
How many Apple programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but why bother? Your light socket will just be obsolete in six months anyway.
How many Mac owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - there's no documentation available, so you have to wait until a third-party supplier comes out with a solution.
Just one, but the new light bulbs aren't compatible with the old sockets, so he has to buy a complete upgrade or a new light.
Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert the new one.
Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the "look and feel" of the bulb changing method.
Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon.
How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a light bulb?
An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.
How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
One, but first he has to determine the correct path.
How many Unix programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but if you forget to tell him "2>" he'll mash both the live and dead bulbs into the same socket at once.
How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Read the man page!
How many Unix system vendors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. All of the light bulbs you have are 'standard variants' and as such won't fit your particular implementation of the socket. (However you do have the source code for your socket, so .....)
How many VMS heads does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and tell you that the only light bulb you can use is a 100-watt soft white but you can use any 100-watt soft white as long as it's manufactured by DEC.