The Definitive Nerd Humor Collection

[PhirePhreak]

Here we go... be sure to buckle up, cause Kansas is going bye-bye...

Pentium-bashing Jokes

Q: What is the successor to the RU-486 birth control drug?
A: The RU-Pentium; it prevents cells from dividing properly.

Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for nontechnical people.

Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentium computers?
A: Warning label.

Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.9999983605.

Q: What do you get when you calculate your Intuit tax return on a Pentium computer?
A: Audited.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant?
A: A mad scientist.

Q: What do you call a series of FDIV Instructions on a Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.

Top Ten New Intel Slogans for the Pentium
9.9999732951 It's a FLAW, Dammit, Not a Bug
8.9999163362 It's Close Enough; We Say So
7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
5.9999835137 Redefining the PC -- and Mathematics As Well...
4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really
3.9998254917 Division Considered Harmful
2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point?
1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
0.9999999998 The Errata Inside


Virus Definitions

AT&T Virus: Every three minutes, it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI Virus: Every three minutes, it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Paul Revere Virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.
Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic organism."
Right-to-Life Virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
Ted Turner Virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Dan Quayle Virus: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!
Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Gallup Virus: 60% of the PCs infected will lose 38% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).
Texas Virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Elvis Virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.


What If Operating Systems Were Airlines?

DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, jump off....

Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie?

Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants courteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.

OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty -- only a few prospective passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway. Airline personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but they have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe until mid-2005. Maybe longer.

Fly Windows NT: Passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac and place them in the outline of a plane. They sit down, flap their arms, and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.

Unix Express: Passengers bring a piece of the airplane and a box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac and argue about what kind of plane they want to build. The passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Only some passengers reach their destinations, but all of them believe they arrived.



Engineering Solutions
A software engineer, a hardware engineer, and a departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep moutain road when suddenly the brakes on their car faiiled. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they going to do?

"I know," said the departmental manager. "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No," said the hardware engineer. "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got a Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all, I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the software engineer, "before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

Well, that's it for now. Enjoy!

God bless,
--PhirePhreak

[Punkin]

*claps his hands*
Brilliant.
I liked the last one the best.

[8*B@LL]

Red Hat Linux Air:
You purchase your ticket for a TINY fee(only to cover what it costs to print the ticket itself), or you can optionally print the ticket with your own printer and pay nothing. when you get to the airport, you board your plane and recieve a small toolkit and a book of instructions on how to assemble your fully adjustable, incredibly comfortable seat. once you have done that you relax and enjoy the most perfect take-off, flight and landing there is. all anybody says is "you have to do WHAT do your seat???"

[PhirePhreak]

Wow... quite creative.

/me tips his white hat to 8*B@LL

God bless,
--PhirePhreak

[THE-OMEN]

Cool very cool in fact it's icy cold

[politroyx]

Hehehehe! I like the engineering solutions.

[sir henry]

I liked them very much.

The following was printed in one of our comp mags here in the uk, I don't have the mag any longer, it was supposed to be true and I can believe it. Here is the gist of it. It's a telephone conversation between a customer and his help line.

help; Good afternoon How can I help you?

customer; my mouse curser and the document I was working on has disappeared from the screen. It's really not good enough, we've only had the computer a couple of weeks and already it's causing us problems, I knew we should have gone for a [naming a competitor manufacturer] I always thought they had a more stable system.

help; o.k. check that the mouse cable is tight in it's socket.

cust; yes it is.

help; right, can you make sure the monitor lead is tight into the socket .

cust; yes it's o.k.

help; now follow it to your box.

after a pause. cust; yes it's in tight.

help; you took a long time to find out.

cust; yes, It's all in darkness here, we' ve got a power failure.

help; I'm glad you told me that.

cust; so I was right the f......g machine is no good.

help; what I want you to do is unconnect all the components, As it's a new model I presume you've kept all the boxes they came in.

cust; of course, I knew the machine was no good, you want me to send them to you.

help; yes please.

cust; It was very good of you to find the problem so quickly what was it, manufacturing problem or a bad design?

help; neither I.m please to say.

cust; what was it then?

help; you're to thick to use one


from same mag.

Secretary complains that disks she copies before leaving work each night don.t work the next morning, an engineer is sent, he checks the machine can't find anything wrong, ask the secretary to show him what she does each night, she copies a disk then walks to the doorway and pins it onto the notice board.


Maybe this was the same girl.

complains theres a problem, engineer talks to her over the phne at one stage he says press the Cd button, she asks where that is, he explains "oh " she says " you mean the coffee cup tray.

hope you like

cheers

sir Henry.

[THE-OMEN]

A couple ive heard are...

A guy called a help desk wondering how to scan something into his comp. And it eventually turns out that he is holding the paper up to the monitor and pressing scan.

Another guy phoned up a said the comp couldn't find his printer so he pointed the monitor at it but it still cant find it.

Another guy was confused about internet shopping and one day he came to use a floppy disk on his machine so he callled the engineers when the engineer took the floppy drie apart he found it stuffed with £5 £10 notes. (its true its true)

And the one that always happens here at park lane college is students spend 10-15 mins pressing the monitor button and when it doesn't turn on the machine they ask me.


he He HE