April 27th, 2002, 04:47 AM
Here's the real truth:
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it, don't piss them away on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable soup.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.
Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.
April 27th, 2002, 05:18 AM
lmfao their all so true hehe
should show these to a few of the chicks in my class hehe
April 27th, 2002, 05:20 AM
not to be rude, but this is a waste.
April 27th, 2002, 05:33 AM
Why is this a waste, its funny and to have a good laugh keeps a person feeling younger. Keep finding the funny truths sumdumguy there are some of us who enjoy reading this at the end of a hard day at work.
No good deed goes unpunished.
April 27th, 2002, 05:52 AM
April 27th, 2002, 09:04 AM
Re: Here's the real truth:
Uh-oh, you just made me think of the song "I am the very model of a modern major general"...if I can still remember it, I might just post an mp3 of me singing it into a $5 mike...this is not a good thing, btw.
Originally posted here by sumdumguy
As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable.
Elen alcarin ar gwath halla ná engwar.
April 27th, 2002, 02:31 PM
A high school science teacher did a demonstration
for her class. She put a glass of milk and a glass
of beer on the table.
Into each glass, she dropped a worm.
The worm in the milk swam around.
the worm in the beer immediately
died in agony.
"What is the conclusion we should draw
from this experiment?" she asked.
"If you drink a lotta beer, you won't get
worms!" came the voice from the
back of the class.
I came in to the world with nothing. I still have most of it.
April 27th, 2002, 11:03 PM
The ultimate secret to be young (and eventually died):
Sex...drug...and rock'n roll
Why does nobody understand that?
Life is boring. Play NetHack... --more--
April 28th, 2002, 12:31 AM
This isn't really funny. Actually, I think it's corny (no pun intended in case that you would think that's funny also).
April 28th, 2002, 12:45 AM
If only the part about meat were true.
For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
(Romans 6:23, WEB)