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Thread: The Linux, by Dr. Seuss

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2002

    Talking The Linux, by Dr. Seuss

    The Linux

    by Dr. Seuss

    At the far end of Redmond
    where the Grickle-grass grows
    and the wind smells slow-and-sour when it blows
    and no birds ever sing excepting old crows...
    is the Street of the Lifted Linux

    And deep in the Grickle-grass, some people say,
    if you look deep enough you can still see, today,
    where the Linux once stood
    just as long as it could
    before somebody lifted the Linux away.

    What was the Linux?
    And why was it there?
    And why was it lifted and taken somewhere
    from the far end of town where the Grickle-grass grows?
    The old Gates-ler still lives here.
    Ask him. He knows.

    You won't see the Gates-ler.
    Don't knock at his door.
    He stays in his Lerkim on top of his store.
    He lurks in his Lerkim, cold under the roof,
    where he makes his own software
    out of vapourware poof.
    And on special dank midnights in August,
    he peeks
    out of the shutters
    and sometimes he speaks
    and tells how the Linux was lifted away.

    He'll tell you, perhaps...
    if you're willing to pay.

    On the end of a rope
    he lets down a tin pail
    and you have to toss in fifteen cents
    and a nail
    and the shell of the great-great-great-
    grandfather snail.

    Then he pulls up the pail,
    makes a most careful count
    to see if you've paid him
    the proper amount.

    The he hides what you paid him
    away in a musty compartment,
    to keep it away
    from the Justice Department.

    Then he grunts, "I will call you by Whisper-ma-Phone,
    for the secrets I tell are for your ears alone."

    Down slupps the Whisper-ma-Phone to your ear
    and the old Gates-ler's whispers are not very clear,
    since they have to come down
    throught a snergelly hose,
    and he sounds
    as if he had
    smallish bees up his nose.

    "Now I'll tell you," he says, with charisma of grey,
    "how the Linux got lifted and taken away...

    It all started way back...
    such a long, long time back...

    Way back in the days when flying toasters were cool
    and a floppy could hold
    your entire system install,
    and the Mir satellite was still up in space...
    one morning, I came to this glorious place.
    And I first saw the PCs!
    The custom PCs!
    The bright-coloured cases of the custom pCs!
    mile after mile all lined up in THREEs.

    And, sitting at keyboards, I saw the consumers
    Growing in numbers with revenue rumours
    The chances of riches all ripe like satsumas.

    From the silicon valley
    came the comfortable sound
    of the dot com brigade
    there was money around.

    But those PCs! Those PCs!
    Those custom PCs!
    All my life I'd been searching
    for PCs such as these.
    The glow of their screens
    was much brighter than flames.
    And Lara brought 3d to all the new games.

    I felt a great leaping
    of joy in my heart.
    I knew just what I'd do!
    I unloaded my cart.

    In no time at all, I had downed a machine.
    Wiped off the old system, leaving it clean.
    And with great speedy speed and with marketing jive.
    I clicked on the mouse and installed 95!

    The instant I'd finished, I heard a rustling thrash!
    I looked.
    I saw something pop out of the trash
    of the PC I'd installed on. He was sort of a sanguine.
    Describe him?...That's hard. He looked like a penguin.

    He was shortish. and stylish.
    not pixelly or lossy.
    And he spoke with a voice
    that was sharpish and bossy.

    "Mister!" he said with a mouth full of soothers,
    "I am the Linux. I speak for the users.
    I speak for the users, for the awake and the snoozers.
    And I'm asking you, sir, at the top of my lungs"--
    he was very upset as he shouted and wheezed--
    "Whats that THING that you've put on that there PC?"

    "Look, Linux," I said. "There's no cause for alarm.
    I installed just one system. I am doing no harm.
    I'm being quite useful. This thing is Win-dows.
    There's no need for choice as it already knows!
    It's a system. there's a helper. choose the dog or the cat.
    But it has other uses. Yes, far beyond that.
    For surfing. For typing! undoing deletes!
    Or adding up things in your excel spreadsheets!"

    The Linux said,
    "Sir! You are crazy with greed.
    There is no one on earth
    who, this system would need!"

    But the very next minute I proved he was wrong.
    For, just at that minute, a chap came along,
    and he thought that the system I'd installed was great.
    He happily bought it for three ninety-eight.

    I laughed at the Linux, "You poor stupid guy!
    You never can tell what some people will buy."

    "I repeat," cried the Linux,
    "I speak for the users!"

    "I'm busy," I told him.
    "Shut up, all you losers."

    I rushed 'cross the room, and in no time at all,
    had run through the MSN messenger install.
    I texted all my brothers and uncles and aunts
    and I said, "Listen here! Here's a wonderful chance
    for the whole Gates-ler Family to get mighty rich!
    Get over here fast! Take the road to North Nitch.
    Turn left at Weehawken. Sharp right at South Stitch."

    And, in no time at all,
    in the campus I built,
    the whole Gates-ler Family
    was working full tilt.
    We were all writing software
    just as busy as bees,
    to the sound of the whirring
    of those lovely PCs.

    Oh! Baby! Oh!
    How my business did grow!
    Now, installing one system
    at a time
    was too slow.

    So I quickly invented my bloated downloader
    (Though a few dual boot systems just fizzled like soda).
    We were making PCs
    four times as slow as before!
    And that Linux?...
    He didn't show up any more.

    But the next week
    he knocked
    on my new office door.

    He snapped, "I'm the Linux who speaks for the users
    which you seem to be loading with software abuses.
    But I'm also a friend of the hip young designers
    who drank lots of coffee all sat in recliners
    and worked on their iBooks while out at the diners.

    "NOW...thanks to your hacking they've nothing to do,
    you've placed this great 'Office' right into their view.
    its blocking their vision, they can't see the scene
    no room for manoeuvre with Word on machine!

    "They loved living here. But I can't let them stay.
    They'll have to find flare. And I hope that they may.
    Good luck, boys," he cried. And he sent them away.

    I, the Gates-ler, felt sad
    as I watched them all go.
    business is business!
    And business must grow
    regardless of designers in recliners, you know.

    I meant no harm. I most truly did not.
    But I had to grow bigger. So bigger I got.
    I biggered my output, and with a few hacks.
    I biggered my downloads - huge great service packs
    on the PCs that shipped out, I had a great channel deal
    they'd all install windows or my wrath's what they'd feel
    I went right on biggering...selling more CDs.
    And I biggered my money, which does always please.

    Then again he came back! .NET had me slogging
    when that old-nuisance Linux came in and called me a noggin.

    "I am the Linux," his laptop unfolded.
    He yapped and he whined. He snarggled. He scolded.
    "Gates-ler!" he cried, now sounding defiant.
    You're making most websites just IE compliant!
    My poor PC users...the ones who like Netscape!
    For them, webpage loading is becoming a sweepstake.

    "And so," said the Linux,
    "--please pardon my homepage--
    they caannot surf here.
    With your monopolised outrage.

    "Where will they want to go to today?...
    I don't hopefully know, if they don't want to pay.

    They may have to surf for a month...or a year...
    To escape from the honey-pot trap around here.

    "What's more," snapped the Linux. (His arms in the air.)
    "Let me say a few words on useless bloatware.
    Your machinery chugs on, updating, installing.
    the disk space it leaves is downright apalling.
    And how do you use this leftover space?...
    I'll show you. a paperclip? Oh What a waste!

    "You're stressing the workers, they're PCs are crash scenes!
    They're systems have hung, all frozen on splash screens.
    So I'm sending them off. Oh, their future is dreary.
    They'll leave their dot coms and get woefully weary
    in search of some software, innovative, not stale.
    I hear all the clicks as they log out of hotmail."

    And then I got mad.
    I got terribly mad.
    I yelled at the Linux, "Now listen here, Tux!
    All you do is yap on about users, that's sucks!
    I'll soon have them all on .NET and XP
    I intend to go on basing things around me
    And, for your information, oh Linux, I'm figgering

    on biggering



    and BIGGERING,

    turning MORE PCs to running on windows
    Our support page will be where EVERYONE, EVERYONE goes!"

    And at that very moment, we heard a deep breath!
    From outside, a user, with blue screen of death
    then a hand on a plug. Then we heard the plug pull.
    The very last windows PC of them all!

    No more PCs. No more leads. No installs to be done.
    So, in no time, my uncles and aunts, every one,
    all waved me good-bye. they jumped into my cars
    and drove away from the shimmering screensaver stars.

    Now all that was left 'neath the dark Redmond sky
    was my big empty factory
    the Linux...
    and I.

    The Linux said nothing. Just gave me a glance...
    just gave me a very sad, sad backward glance...
    as he lifted himself by the seat of his pants.
    And I'll never forget the grim look on his face
    when he heisted himself and took leave of this place,
    through a hole in the security, without leaving a trace.

    And all that the Linux left here in my hall
    was a small pile of disks, with the one word...
    Whatever that meant, well, I couldn't fathom at all.

    That was long, long ago.
    But each day since that day
    I've sat here and worried
    and worried away.
    Through the years, while my buildings
    have fallen apart,
    I've worried about it
    with all of my heart.

    "But now," says the Gates-ler,
    "Now that you're here,
    the word of the Linux seems perfectly clear.
    Windows, the whole awful lot,
    nothing is going to get better.
    It's not.

    Catch!" calls the Gates-ler.
    He lets something fall.
    "It's a Linux CD.
    It's the last one of all!
    You're in charge of the last of the custom PCs.
    And custom PCs are what everyone needs.
    Install a new system. Treat it with care.
    A nice funny mousemat and shiny hardware.
    Grow a small network, use Unix! use Mac!
    Then the Linux
    and all of his friends
    may come back."

    --Found this today while browsing for some Linux info.... Not quite what I wanted bu worth it!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    I know it's long (above) but worth it....

    Here's another good one

    Is Windows a virus?

    No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
    1) They replicate quickly -- Okay, Windows does that.
    2) Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- Okay, Windows does that.
    3) Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- Okay, Windows does that, too
    4) Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems -- Sigh... Windows does that, too
    5) Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware -- Yup, that's with Windows, too

    Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:
    Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

    So, Windows is not a virus!

  3. #3
    I normally hate these kind of threads.....but this one was rather good!

  4. #4
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    good one
    Windows: \"Where do you want to go today?\"
    Linux: \"Where do you want to go tomorrow?\"
    BSD: \"Are you guys coming or what?\"
    BSD leading the way!

  5. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    And the prophecy shall come true! or something... excelent thread greenies for u!
    Visit: http://www.cpc-net.org
    \"Software is like sex: it\'s better when it\'s free.\" -Linus Torvalds

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    *bows to zion1459*

    Thank you, thank you

    Figured the Linux enthusiasts would like

  7. #7
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Excellent thread. Funny as Hell.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    damn that took me awhile to read!!! but yeah that was good.

  9. #9
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2002

    It was a long read, but a good one. I like finding stuff like that.
    [shadow] Of all the things I\'ve lost, I miss my mind the most. - Ozzy :[/shadow]

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