Conglomeration of Humor
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Thread: Conglomeration of Humor

  1. #1
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    Conglomeration of Humor

    I haven't posted some humor in a while, so here's some exerts from an email I recieved recently. Hope you enjoy

    Only in America.....
    can a pizza get to your hourse faster than an ambulance.

    Only in America.....
    are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

    Only in America.....
    do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

    Only in America.....
    do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

    Only in America......
    do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

    Only in America......
    do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

    Only in America......
    do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

    Only in America....
    do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'ticks' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures.'

    EVER WONDER?
    Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

    Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

    Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

    Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

    Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

    Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?

    Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

    Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

    Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

    Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

    When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

    Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

    Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

    You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

    Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

    Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

    If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

    If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

    In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

    On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

    On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

    On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap (and that would be how?)

    On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but it's only "just" a suggestion)

    On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (D'oh!)

    On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (Really?)

    On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

    On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

    On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and why am I taking this again?)

    On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (So you can't use it where?)

    On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (Oh my...)

    On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

    On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step three: fly Delta)

    On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

    On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (so... was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

    Looking back, you probably hate me by now, but who cares. I laughed at a few of those, so maybe you will to.

    --PhirePhreak
    I know you\'re out there. I can feel you now. I know that you\'re afraid. You\'re afraid of us. You\'re afraid of change. I don\'t know the future. I didn\'t come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it\'s going to begin. I\'m going to hang up this phone, and then I\'m going to show these people what you don\'t want them to see. I\'m going to show them a world without you, a world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.

  2. #2
    I heard some of these before, but some of them are really good and I am sending it to my friends. It's good to see some humor

  3. #3
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    Thanky for the support
    --PhirePhreak
    I know you\'re out there. I can feel you now. I know that you\'re afraid. You\'re afraid of us. You\'re afraid of change. I don\'t know the future. I didn\'t come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it\'s going to begin. I\'m going to hang up this phone, and then I\'m going to show these people what you don\'t want them to see. I\'m going to show them a world without you, a world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.

  4. #4
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    that was hillarious thanks
    By the sacred **** of the sacred psychedelic tibetan yeti ....We\'ll smoke the chinese out
    The 20th century pharoes have the slaves demanding work
    http://muaythaiscotland.com/

  5. #5
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    LMAO! I love the Only in America ones.

  6. #6
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    always need some humorous relief, thanx for the post
    what is love but contempt for hate?

  7. #7
    AO Soccer Mom debwalin's Avatar
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    Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
    It is physically impossible. I don't know why, but it's just like trying to sneeze without closing your eyes...you can't do it. And the worst thing is when you sneeze with wet mascara, and close your eyes, and wind up with it all over your face. That's a really big pain!

    LOL!

    Deb
    Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

  8. #8
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    debwalin, I heard if you can sneeze with your eyes open, your eyeballs would pop out. Dont know the validility of it though.

    Thanx for the post PhirePhreak, mental note, "Dont stop chainsaw with genitals".

    Some good advise!!
    SoggyBottom.

    [glowpurple]There were so many fewer questions when the stars where still just the holes to heaven - JJ[/glowpurple] [gloworange]I sure could use a vacation from this bull$hit, three ringed circus side show of freaks. - Tool. [/gloworange]

  9. #9
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    Yea there great, I like it, lol

  10. #10
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    LOL once in a while good to have a laugh.

    All work and no play.....

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