Points to Ponder - George Carlin

[GreekGoddess]

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat though.

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

If you think there is good in everybody, then you obviously haven't met everybody.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

Ham and eggs are just a day's work for a chicken but a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Confession is good for the soul ---but bad for your career.

I don't have a license to kill, but I do have a learners permit.

If your voting could really change things, Congress would make it illegal.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.

Remember: First you pillage, and then you burn.

Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

Here I am!!! What are your other two wishes?

I'm pretty sure that 'bingo' is better than logic but I can't prove it.

If a thing is worth doing wouldn't it have been done already?

Half The People In The World Are Below Average.

If Ignorance Is Bliss, you must be Orgasmic.

Gun Control: Use both hands.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires.

Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.

http://www.geocities.com/Colosseum/S...orecarlin.html

[jaguar291]

Originally posted here by GreekGoddess
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

If you think there is good in everybody, then you obviously haven't met everybody.

Confession is good for the soul ---but bad for your career.

I don't have a license to kill, but I do have a learners permit.

If your voting could really change things, Congress would make it illegal.

Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.

Half The People In The World Are Below Average.

Gun Control: Use both hands.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Best ones in my opinoin, love the one about Congress.

[khakisrule]

That was really funny? Where you get all those? Post s'more when you get the chance. Really funny. I especially like the mad cow disease one, I got 3 sisters, and man I can relate.

[Palemoon]

What would we all do with out George..love points to ponder. Ya know pondering is very different from thinking. Then again you'd have to ask an old person about that one I did am happy I made the choice.

[GreekGoddess]

You should really read his books, they are filled with all of those funny little Carlinisms. I think he would be the most beneficial president this country ever had....CARLIN IS GOD!

[Palemoon]

Ah what if one gawd lie is funny, History I used to hate it now I find great comfort in it. See GG so many things in my own life I need not read in a book. Why? cause for me it was a day I got up I lived it, treated everyone with respect, stood for what was right. Was just a day everyone did the best they could to make stuff better, change happened one person at a time, what many read about were days in my life as many others, now it is history. So I sit with that at times not real easy to explain. So many young people think growing up is tough had on you, and yes it is then you go through this period where it's like all you ever want, then you grow old and find like the start growing old is not any more easy then growing up and growing old you concern yourself with making sure those growing up have it just a wee bit better then you did Me I want to read of my history understand even my own nic , handle, screen name....what ever you call it...history is your life as you live it and pass to those younger...Sorry old men ramble..LOL

[Noia]

Lol..... me like!
hehe, Nice Sig. GG.......I think you'r the person that changes his/her Avetar/Sig the most in AO
ne way's....I'v got a ball to go to.....I'm gona look like a smuck...hehe
L8r ppl

- Noia

[souleman]

GG> Don't forget to post a source... Even if its taken from a book and you don't have a web link....

Anyway, I am still waiting for George Carlin to say anything worth while...

[qwerty_smith]

a couple of my favorites:

"I don't understand people who protest things in the street by walking around holding signs. I say, if you're gonna be on the street, use the time productively. Destroy some property."

"In some hotel they give you a little sewing kit. You know what I do? I sew the towels together. One time I sewed a button on a lampshade. I like to leave a mark."

and my favorite of all time....

"There is now a Starbucks in my pants"

er, that was from a George Carlin desk calendar…

[GreekGoddess]

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym? 12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

28. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

29. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

30. How is it possible to have a civil war?

31. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

32. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

33. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

34. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

35. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

36. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

37. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

38. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

39. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?

40. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

41. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

http://www.phoenix5.org/humor/Carlin.html