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Thread: Remaining CEO's make a run for it!!

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2002

    Remaining CEO's make a run for it!!

    I don't have a source for this but it's hilarious. If anyone knows where this came from I'd appreciate the info. It's too funny.


    Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border San
    Antonio, Texas (Rooters)

    Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining
    CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for
    the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and
    writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.

    "They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double- booked
    the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso.
    "Right in front of my daughters."

    Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first spotted
    last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each
    of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains. By
    late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's
    population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second

    This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its under
    performing areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to California
    for $4.5 billion.

    Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were
    noticeably frustrated.

    "First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand behind
    their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse spokesman Dean
    Levitt. "And every time we yell 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!',
    they refer us to investor relations. I've been on the phone all damn


    The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a
    common executive weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of them by
    disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border
    Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame."

    Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to
    scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time we
    just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis, "but
    occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the loop
    on that.'"

    Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Computer
    Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph
    Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global
    Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski
    of Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have already been

    So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha
    Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a
    barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375.

    "She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for
    marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible snowman place settings,
    using the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol officer
    Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning sun really
    adds texture to the stucco walls."

    While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into
    Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of the CEOnistas have holed themselves up at
    the Alamo. "No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport," she

    "They're rotating all the tires on the minivans and accounting for each
    change as a sales event."

    America - Land of the free, home of the brave.

  2. #2
    Forgotten Ghost RogueSpy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2001
    LMAO! ! ! Sounds like something from TheOnion. heh. Good story though.
    "Never give in-never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in to convictions of honor and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy!" - Winston Churchill

  3. #3
    Priapistic Monk KorpDeath's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2001
    That's hilarious!!
    Mankind have a great aversion to intellectual labor; but even supposing knowledge to be easily attainable, more people would be content to be ignorant than would take even a little trouble to acquire it.
    - Samuel Johnson

  4. #4
    AntiOnline Senior Member souleman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    Flint, MI
    \"Ignorance is bliss....
    but only for your enemy\"
    -- souleman

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