June 28th, 2002, 08:53 AM
another roundup of jokes from my inbox.
(some are crap.. you have been warned)
(some aren't that crap)
Seamus was drinking all night at the pub. The bartender finally tells him
its closing time, so Seamus stands up to go and falls flat on his face. He
tries to stand up again but with the same result. So he thinks to himself
that he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober
him up a bit. Once outside, he stands up and again falls flat on his face.
So he thinks, 'Bugger this' and starts crawling home. When he gets to his
front door he tries once again to stand up, manages to open the door but
promptly falls straight back down on the floor. He crawls in and quietly
crawls up the stairs where he manages to pull himself upright by his bed.
He crawls in and falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He wakes up the next morning with his wife standing above him shouting at
him. 'So, you've been out getting pissed again, have you?' Thinking he
hadn't disturbed her coming in the previous night, he tries on an innocent
face and says 'What makes you say that, love?'
'Because the pub called. You've left your wheelchair there again!'
A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling. He
asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks, 'Don't you want to
participate in our competition?'
The guy asks 'What's it all about?' The barman informs him, 'All you have
do is get those pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint!
If you fail you have to buy the whole pub a drink.'
The guy replies, 'No I don't think so mate... the steaks are too high!
A man goes to a club and is refused entry.
'Sorry Sir,' says the bouncer, 'but I'm afraid I can't let you in without a
tie. We've had a lot of disturbances recently, so we're trying to attract a
better class of person. No tie, no entry.'
The man walks back to his car in the hope he might have a tie. Instead he
finds a set of jump leads, which he proceeds to wrap around his neck and
tie in a knot. He walks back to the club and says to the bouncer, 'Will you
me in now?'
The bouncer looks at him, thinks for a moment and then replies, 'Well, I
suppose so, in you go.'
As the man walks in, the bouncer adds, 'But I'm warning you... don't start
Sean Connery gets a call from his agent: 'Sean, I've got you a job. Start
early tomorrow, you'll have to be there for 10-ish'.
Connery furrows his brow 'Tennish? ...But I don't even have a racket'.
A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian rugs. She looks
around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends
to feel the texture of the rug she accidentally breaks wind. Very
embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her
She turns and sees that standing next to her is a salesman.
'Good day Ma'am. How may I help you today?'
Very uncomfortable she asks, 'Sir how much does this rug cost?'
He answers, 'Lady, if you farted just touching it, you're gonna **** when
you hear the price.'
This bloke walks into a pub, and there's a horse behind the bar serving the
drinks. The bloke is staring at the horse, when the horse says: 'Hey mister
- what are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving pints
The bloke says, 'No, no, it's not that... it's just that I never thought
the parrot would sell the place
Two blondes were both on the elevator in the Admin. Building. A man gets on
who's perfect: Italian suit,handsome, great build with a nice butt, but
unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff.
The man gets off on the next floor and once the doors close, one girl turns
to the other and says, 'Someone should give him Head & Shoulders.'
The other blonde replies, 'How do you give shoulders?
A man is sitting by his car at the side of the road looking unhappy. A
passer by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is.
'I've locked myself out of my car' replies the man.
'That's not a problem' replies the passer by, 'Step out of the way, and let
me try rubbing my bottom on the door'.
The motorist is a bit perplexed, but reckons there's no harm in letting the
man try - it might be worth a laugh. The passer by turns his bottom to the
car and slowly rubs it up and down the driver's door. Suddenly, the lock
opens and the passer by turns and opens the car door.
'That's amazing!' says the motorist, 'How did you do it?'
'It's easy' replies the pedestrian. 'I'm wearing khaki trousers.'
A man walks up to the main desk in a library and says in a loud commanding
voice to the librarian, 'I'll take two hamburgers, no mayonnaise, and an
order of fries'.
The librarian looks up at him, shocked. Summoning up all the testy
she can, she says to him, 'Sir, this is a library!'
The man pauses for only a split second and then leans over close to her,
cups his hand over his mouth so as to direct his voice only to her ear, and
whispers, 'I'll take two hamburgers, no mayonnaise, and an order of fries'
Investing Good Money
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night
and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly
aroused state, he readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30
years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very
drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial
ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old
Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12
years totalling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex , and this was the result of her investments.
By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the
car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied,
"If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my
[glowpurple]manually editing your config files can break them. If this happens, you get to keep both pieces. [/glowpurple]
June 28th, 2002, 04:51 PM
prety slick...... my moms in a wheelchir tho........ grrrrrrrr
he he he, just gettin in your head (well she is, but its a funny joke)
June 28th, 2002, 05:29 PM
lmfao.. We need that to help us through the strenuous day of work.