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Thread: Friday Funnies

  1. #1
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2001

    Talking Friday Funnies

    More Funnies from my email.
    Have good Fridays and even better weekends!

    A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

    The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts on this when
    suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is not going to let a fish
    have a go so he beats the offending fish to death with a spade.
    Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to find a
    way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish
    to the lions as lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the
    lion's cage.

    He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house.
    He goes in and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at him.
    Un-amused he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly.
    He's really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the
    lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls them into the lion's cage.

    Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South
    American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees.
    Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can,
    squashing them to death. By this point he is not too worried about the
    death of bees as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion's
    because lions eat anything.

    Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion
    and says "What's the food like in here?".

    The other lions says: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish, chimps and
    mushy bees"

    A set of jump-leads walks into a bar.

    The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


    A sandwich walks into a bar.

    The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."


    A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


    A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm
    and says:

    "Pint please, and one for the road."


    Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.

    The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.


    Two cannibals are eating a clown.

    One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


    Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.

    Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."


    Two cows standing next to each other in a field,

    Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

    "I don't believe you," said Dolly.

    "It's true, straight up, no bull!"


    A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film
    for shorts.

    The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."


    Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

    One says, "I think I've lost an electron."

    The other says, "Are you sure?"

    The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."


    Answer phone message

    "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."


    Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bulls*** before


    A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

    "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

    "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

    So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks
    his teeth.

    Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

    "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

    "No, because he's really heavy"


    Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!


    Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And
    there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
    It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
    Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.


    I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
    couldn't find any.


    I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
    couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the
    steaks are too high.'


    My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong


    A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

    He shouted," Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

    The doctor replied," I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".


    I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.


    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they
    lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for
    all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.


    A man walks into the doctor's.

    "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.

    "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man

    "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"

    "Like a glove."


    Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
    with hundreds and thousands.

    Police say that he topped himself.


    What do you call a fish with no eyes?

    A fsh


    Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

    One turns to the other and says "dam"


    Two fish are in a tank

    One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"


    A man goes to the doctor.

    Doctor, doctor!! I feel like a pig

    How long have you felt like this, replied the docter

    For about a weee-eek

    And my favourite

    "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."

    "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

    "Is it common?"

    "It's not unusual."

    [glowpurple]manually editing your config files can break them. If this happens, you get to keep both pieces. [/glowpurple]

  2. #2
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    May 2002


    im sorry but these are the corniest and lamest jokes ive ever heard.. my god...
    I feel deprived because microsoft blinded me of a true OS like linux by hiding windows with \"easy\" features and a simple to use install interface. its OS\'s like linux that make this world a better place.

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2002
    LOL! those are absolutely horrible. thank you. i got to hear several people groan at the same time from the other room. it was like music.
    just like water off a duck\'s back... I AM HERE.

    for CMOS help, check out my CMOS tut?

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