Parents/Children After Divorce

[debwalin]

Okay, this thread is part discussion, part me asking for advice, and part gripe session.

My son (7) has lived with me since his dad and I separated when he was 2. He has always been able to see his dad whenever it was convenient for him. However, now he is in school, and in the divorce agreement, I have primary custody of him during the school year, with "reasonable" visitation to his dad(I live in FL, and his dad in NC). Now I have really tried to go out of my way to make sure that he sees his dad a lot...Christmas break, Spring break, and all summer vacation. He talks to his dad at least every 2-3 days when he is here, and we have a "daddy envelope" that we mail things once a week to him..school work, pictures he draws, CD's we make for him...whatever he wants to do.
Anyway, now he is at his dad's house, and his dad has been making him feel very guilty about not going to school there. He says that daddy misses him, and doesn't get to see him enough. He wants to stay there and go to school, but I don't know how he really feels, because I don't ever get to talk to him without his dad standing right there. I KNOW that I am the better parent for him to stay with to go to school, I'm a stay at home mom, I'm very involved in everything he does at school, and we play sports together, and generally have a great time...at dad's house, it's more of eat cereal for dinner, play video games and watch cartoons all day, and go to bed when you feel like it. I don't feel like there is any actual harm to him in being there, but I feel like I provide a much more stable environment for him.

My question I guess would be:
If you are a child of divorce...did one or both of your parents try to manipulate you? Did you live thru it to become a normal person? I'm really worried about the emotional effects this will have on my son.
If you have children, whether you are divorced from their other parent or not, would you give in? I wonder if I should let him do what he wants to, or do what I really really think is right.

Thanks for the time...I know this was long, and I tried to make it as concise as possible.

Deb

[Remote_Access_]

If you are a child of divorce...did one or both of your parents try to manipulate you? Did you live thru it to become a normal person? I'm really worried about the emotional effects this will have on my son. If you have children, whether you are divorced from their other parent or not, would you give in? I wonder if I should let him do what he wants to, or do what I really really think is right.

Hrm... Well, I didn't really have much of a choice. My parents got a divorce back when I was a wee lil lad and my mom was granted full custody. My father was allowed to visit when ever but as long as it was reasonable. So far I've lived through it but think about "What if.." alot. I've turned out to be a 'normal' person. I have a kid of my own now and I'm still going to school. From a parental point of view, no, I wouldn't give in. I was in basically the same situation. My dad would let us have cake and ice cream for dinner and we would stay up till the crack of dawn playing video games. Like most kids, I loved it. I finally got my mom to allow me to move in with my dad a few years back.. With in a month I moved back. I don't really know what to tell you but IMO, he should stay with you. At least till he's a little bit older. Hope you get things worked out deb. Good luck...

Remote_Access_

[jehnx]

My parents got separated twice... they divorced, remarried, then divorced again. Oh well, but anyways. I see my dad now not often at all, and that kinda sucks, but the last time he came over here and visited me that night he broke into our house and stole a T.V..... so, I can kinda see why my mother doesn't allow me to see him anymore. He called me today, actually, for the first time in two months. Kinda sucks not to be near him, even though he _is_ a "bad" person. It's important, IMO, to at least have a father "figure" in a person's life, and deb, you've shown me nothing but woman features, so unless ya new huzzy (ya have one?) is filling it in, I think you should allow your son to see him.

[zigar]

r_a's story is almost exactly what we experienced this year...my "kids" are my partners from a previous...we have full custody and have had for years...our youngest came to us last fall and said he wanted to move in with his dad...he'd been living with us full time except every second weekend...for almost 8 years now...he was 14 at the time...we said...ok..whatever you need to do...of course we are the ones who drive to..and pay for football ...soccer...feed, clothe...and of course set limits and are the ones who discipline...(bad guys ya know)...we still have some seriously heated arguments...but they're all because we actually care what the kids are doing...and they know it...even though they may not like it...

anyways...after 2 weeks..."dad" had to go on vacation and of course couldn't take #2 son...so he had to stay with us...he never went back...except every 2nd weekend...and to be honest...it's actually hard to get him to go over there these days...

kids are not stupid...i think most recognize the difference between "caregiver parent" and "party parent" ...some may take longer...but they will get it...they will never know how much you do for them...until they are eating cake for dinner...kids do want structure...security..and normality...they sometimes just don't know it consciously...

talk to your son...ask him what he wants to do...and explain just how you feel...and what you think is right...and why...one thing i've learned...kids are often way smarter than we give them credit for...


not a easy situation...especially because of the distance...but good luck...do what you think is right...

[Remote_Access_]

Ya, what zigar said.

[Conf1rm3d_K1ll]

I have experienced this from both sides...That is, as a child who's parents divorced, and as a divorcee....It hasn't affected me at all...Now, where did I put that shotgun?


On a serious note, I watched my child go from an "A grade" student to a disruptive, disobedient brat in a matter of weeks after my divorce. Obviously the loss of a parent has a drastic effect on a childs feeling of well being and overall mental health. It's a terrible time for all concerned and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy...


Perhaps if The Church stopped pushing marriage upon people with their outdated "living in sin" concepts less children would have to go through the hardships of divorce? Or maybe I'm just trying to push the blame of a failed marriage onto someone else....


On a side note- it amazes how much information I give out about myself to people I've never met....I'm not even drunk!

[Ponders]

It's different for everyone, because usually each case is different. My parents divorce when i was 13, I moved to Dallas Texas, and kept busy. Now, Since I only had my father, and we was working, then dating. I could have easily go wrong. But I thought I was going to be the next Jordan, so most of time I was busy at the rec center playing ball. But if somethings goes bad out of it. You just have to kept a head up about it, and hopefully everything comes out at the end.

[Syini666]

debwalin > I lived throught my parents divorce, and managed to turn out somewhat normal. Neither of my parents per say tried to manipulate me, my father just didnt pay any attention to my brother and I, and gave up custody to my mother. I've seen very little of my father since their divorce (happened when I was probably around 6 i think, and im 19 now) Its probably better though, cause he was a lazy bum, and was a generally poor parent, but I digress. Your situation sounds similar to that of my parents, save for the manipulation part. Best advice would to be to trust your insticnt and heart, it will point you in the right direction.

[prodikal]

well my situation is a little diffrent my real mother died in child birth *having me* it is a little diffrent i have never met my mom my grand mother raised me but 2 answer u r question deb i think u should do what u feel is right for u r son BTW u sound like a cool mom im sure u r son would make the right choice if u asked him

[zepherin]

Originally posted here by jehnx
My parents got separated twice... they divorced, remarried, then divorced again. Oh well, but anyways. I see my dad now not often at all, and that kinda sucks, but the last time he came over here and visited me that night he broke into our house and stole a T.V..... so, I can kinda see why my mother doesn't allow me to see him anymore. He called me today, actually, for the first time in two months. Kinda sucks not to be near him, even though he _is_ a "bad" person. It's important, IMO, to at least have a father "figure" in a person's life, and deb, you've shown me nothing but woman features, so unless ya new huzzy (ya have one?) is filling it in, I think you should allow your son to see him.

My brothers dad (half brother we have different dads) broke into my moms house and toar up the place, out of spite. He's been in prison for 3 years over it but things can turn nasty in a divorce, when my parents got divorced it wasn't so bad but deb: my brothers dad did some of the stuff you were talking about trying to manipulate him. You got to lay down the hammer before things get out of hand be like if you don't like me that's fine but drag our kid into this or I'll take him away from you and if he makes some sort of similar threat be like you don't have custody and kidnapping can cairy a 10 year prison sentence. It's harsh but the child's the important thing.