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Thread: Friday Funnies

  1. #1
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2001

    Talking Friday Funnies

    Another dose of humour (the jokes are from email)
    as always, I accept no responsibilty for any damage you inccur whilst reading them.

    Have good weekends,

    A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer
    they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't
    unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she
    would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around
    then speak to them.

    Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off,
    but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of
    money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was
    drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure
    they just continued to watch her.

    After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that
    she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

    He hadn't and said so.

    Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and
    go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

    Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up
    and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and
    then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

    "Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

    "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

    "Well, What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

    The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

    "Batteries?" cried the wife.

    "Yes," he replied.

    She sells "C" cells down by the sea shore
    Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Mr.
    Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at
    the table.

    Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing
    standing up.

    Mr. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell the wife?"

    They draw straws. Mr. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be
    discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

    "Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is
    my middle name, leave it to me."

    Mr. Goldberg goes over to the Meyer' apartment, knocks on the door. The
    wife answers and asks what he wants.

    Mr. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come

    "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!" she yells.

    "I'll go tell him," says Mr. Goldberg.

    Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane
    mechanics in ATLANTA. One day the airport was fogged in and they were
    stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
    Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
    Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and
    get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
    So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of
    high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes
    up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO

    NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim.
    Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
    Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
    Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
    Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We
    ought to do
    this more often."
    "Yeah, well there's just one thing..."
    "What's that?"
    "Have you farted yet?"
    "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"

    One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner. Mother Potato, Father
    Potato, and their three daughters.
    Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up.
    "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."

    "And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in
    her eldest daughter's eyes.

    "Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm
    getting married!"

    The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed,
    "Married!... That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest

    "I'm marrying a Jersey Royal!"

    "A Jersey Royal!" replied Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Jersey Royal
    is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

    As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter
    spoke up. "Mother, I too, have an announcement."

    "And what might that be?" asked Mother Potato, said with conviction.

    "I, too, am getting married!"

    "And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"

    "I'm marrying a King Edward," beamed the middle daughter.

    "A King Edward!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, a King Edward is a
    lovely posh tater, a fine tater indeed!"

    Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the
    future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother
    Potato?...Umm, I, too, have an announcement to make."

    "Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

    "Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin
    her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to
    you, but I am getting married, as well!"
    "Really?"..said Mother Potato with sincere excitement..."All of my
    lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are
    youmarrying, youngest Daughter?"

    "I'm marrying Des Lynam!"

    "Des Lynam?!"..Mother Potato scowls...(wait for it)
    .......But he's just a common tater!"

    They get worse ........
    Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he
    hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little
    Japanese man who is waving a clipboard and yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
    Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing
    there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder:
    "You sign! You sign!"
    Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts
    the door in his face.
    The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the
    little Japanese is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his
    clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
    "You sign! You sign!"
    Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little
    Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I
    don't want them!"
    Then he slams the door in his face again.
    The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a
    knock on the door again. On opening it, there is the same little Japanese
    thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
    "You sign! You sign!"
    Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson
    loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front
    and yells at him;
    "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong
    Who do you want to give these to?"
    The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard
    and says...
    (Get your Japanese accent ready...)
    "You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

    A little brown paper bag wasn't feeling very well one day, so he decided to
    take himself off to the doctors.

    "Doctor, I don't feel so good" said the little bag.

    "Well," said the doctor "you look okay, but let's do some blood tests and
    see if we can find out what's wrong with you. Come back and see me in a

    The little brown paper bag wasn't feeling any better when he went back to
    get the results.

    "What's wrong with me, doctor?" He asked.

    "I'm afraid you're HIV positive" said the doctor.

    "NO!" cried the little bag, "I can't be! I'm only a little paper bag!"

    "Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

    "No, I told you, I can't do things like that! I'm only a little paper bag!"

    "Well then, are you having a homosexual relationship?"

    "No, I've already said, I can't do things like that. I'm only a little
    paper bag for heavens sake!"

    "In that case," said the doctor "there's only one possible explanation


    "Your mother must have been a carrier."
    [glowpurple]manually editing your config files can break them. If this happens, you get to keep both pieces. [/glowpurple]

  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2002
    hehehe. thanks.

    [sarcasm] almost as good as bakerjay's tech humor attempt! [/sarcasm]
    \"Why is the bomb always gettin\' the last word?\" - Will Smith - Lost & Found (2005)

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Omg, those were horrible, absolutley aweful. . .thanks. . .I dig bad jokes.
    Every now and then, one of you won't annoy me.

  4. #4
    Something that I hope is not considered tasteless:

    Y2K-Y Jelly Joke
    Author Unknown

    Announcing Y2K-Y Jelly - when you'd like 4 digits to fit where only 2
    did before.

  5. #5
    The Doctor Und3ertak3r's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    For such shocking jokes..

    a couple from a long lost Tech support page..

    Cut from our email support log:
    This morning I tried to sign on and for a purple screen. After several tried with different browsers then I got the message you were down. I tried to exit. It went to a background with huge pixels and stuck. I mean no amount of rebooting would get rid of it. Finally I had to reset my wallpaper.

    I had a guy in my office who decided he didn't like his wall paper. He was a Windows 95 user with a policy editor, and he couldn't figure out how every time the machine restarted, the same wall paper came back. His first step was to blame the person that worked on the opposite shift from him, and the second was to remove the offending file.
    Being a not so experienced user of four years, he decided to restart the machine in DOS, change to the Windows directory, and type in "del *.*".

    Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"

    I was working at a help desk, and, thankfully, my co-worker took this particular call. A man nervously called saying that he couldn't print his proposal due out that day, because WordPerfect was reporting an error that his fonts were missing. My co-worker told the gentleman that we'd send somebody right up. Apparently there was quite a back log, though, and no one could get there fast enough for him. He had continually called throughout the day asking for his call to be expedited. Finally, at the end of the day, his secretary called and asked, urgently, "Could you PLEASE send somebody up as quickly as possible? He opened the computer with a screwdriver and is looking for his missing fonts."
    "Consumer technology now exceeds the average persons ability to comprehend how to use it..give up hope of them being able to understand how it works." - Me

  6. #6
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    *clap* very nice, i needed a good laugh jcdux

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