September 6th, 2002, 06:32 AM
Evil Overlord Plans
I came across this from some really convoluted surfing. At any rate, I thought I'd share it with you guys. I think #71 should have a 'not' in there, but the rest are pretty funny. Kudos if you can guess which movies or books certain ones were derived from. Yes, it's not really 'tech' humor, but I thought it was worth sharing anyway. Also, I think #12 should read 'inside' instead of 'outside'.
This page was largely written by friends of mine along with friends of those friends and sent to me by email and I felt it deserved a wider audience:-
When I am an Evil Overlord of the Universe:
- My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
- My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
- My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
- Shooting is _not_ too good for my enemies.
- The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
- I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
- When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible."
- When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll shoot him, and then say "No".
- After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
- I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push".
- I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me-I'll do it myself.
- I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum-a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
- I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
- I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident: I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
- I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
- One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
- All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
- My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
- The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
- I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
- I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
- I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
- When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
- I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
- I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
- Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
- I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
- No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
- I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
- I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line ``No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!! (After that, death is usually instantaneous. )
- No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructable except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
- If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, he will be so startled and confused that I will easily be able to dispatch him.
- No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
- I will never build only one of anything important. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
- If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
- My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
- Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
- I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
- All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
- All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
- Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
- I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
- I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main sqaure of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
- I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
- I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
- I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
- I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
- There will be no pits to swing across in my fortress and no structurally unsafe bridges to cross while getting there. This will allow my soldier to pursue the hero without him crossing the large gap and escaping.
- I will kill all the children of the people I have killed. When a house is burned down, at least three people will be left to guard it and make sure no one escapes, so that the helpless child cannot find sympathy.
- All travelling gypsy groups will be stopped and made to fill in a census when entering and leaving. This will prevent escaping children from returning in twenty years wearing a head scarf.
- I will employ all small oriental fighting masters in the area.
- I will not become bitterly twisted if scarred early in life. Beauty is only skin deep but sanity is neccesary to conquer the world.
- I will not label any of my inventions.
- I will not have a sewer system designed for crawling through, I will have a cess pit.
- No matter how impressive they may look, my throne room will not contain a near-bottomless pit, active volcano, tank of liquid nitrogen, or any other dramatic means of killing me.
- I will pursue enlightened economic policies which do not consist of turning my whole empire into a wasteland. Despite the possible aesthetic appeal of volcanic deserts, a wealthy empire can support a stronger army, and it will be more difficult to raise the masses to rebellion.
- My major fortresses and machines will be designed with multiple redundancy and due attention to safety. This way, the damage done by one relatively minor attack (eg. a fighter aircraft crashing into a spaceship the size of New York) will not spread out of control and destroy the whole edifice.
- Although I may threaten to destroy the world in order to distract my enemies, I will never attempt to ACTUALLY destroy it. Attempting to rule it is more fun and will encounter less determined opposition.
- Any computers used by my evil legions will have decent security, including proper encryption and (if possible) a custom- designed operating system which is not remotely compatible with anything that heroic computer hackers are likely to have access to.
- I will avoid surrounding myself with stupid underlings; they might make me look even better by contrast, but they are a liability in a crisis. Instead, I will carefully recruit those who are so intelligent that they will (a) serve me well and (b) be too afraid to overthrow me.
- I will be extremely careful about offering rebels a chance to join me, and will apply stringent loyalty tests before I give them any responsibility. If I successfully brainwash one of the heroes into becoming my slave, I will occupy him with tasks on the other side of the empire, NOT employ him as my personal bodyguard, valet, or court jester.
- I will not have a physical disfigurement or speech impediment to compensate for my lack of dramatic presence.
- I will not employ henchmen who can fire an infinite amount of ammunition at high speed and not hit a sitting duck.
- Playing cards whilst on guard duty will be punishable by death. Guards are there to guard, not lose their meagre wage packet in pointless games.
- I will not have a large control room with a big map of the world and blinky lights on.
- I will not cackle and threaten to start an unstoppable chain reaction that will split the earth in two. This would undermine the economic stability of my empire and make being Evil Overlord less personally satisfying.
- My security cameras and listening devices will be well hidden. This will prevent intruders into my mountain fortress destroying them with a few blaster shots.
- I shall not let it be known when I plan to execute the rebel leaders, and I certainly won't do it in the town square in full view of everyone. Thus any heroic attempts at rescue shall be kept away from the glare of publicity, and confidence in my Iron Rule will be maintained.
- I will employ an experienced technician to make advanced gadgets for me that will be a match for anything produced by a small village blacksmith.
- I will not change all my political alliances/moral codes on being near death, just to convince everyone I am a nice guy underneath.
- I will definitely, definitely, definitely own a white cat.
- I will definitely, definitely, definitely NEVER say things like "aha, we meet at last Mr/Ms/Dr/Other ......"
- Applicants to my evil horde shall be required to pass competency tests and will be subject to regular follow-up examinations.
- Likewise they will have to provide an accurate family history that details any dissidents that they may have come into contact with. I will NOT use Rent-A-Troll to temporarily boost my minions' numbers.
- Employment prospects within my organization will be seen to be good, with pension plans and benefit schemes for troops who rape and pillage above and beyond the call of duty. This should lessen the likelihood of a disgruntled former employee who was forced to take early retirement joining the rebels and revealing any of my potential weaknesses.
- I will not have a doppelganger to take my place in dangerous public situations. There is always the danger that my enemies will assassinate me and use him as a front.
- My impregnable stronghold will not have a hidden back door.
- I shall never be too arrogant as to believe that it is unneccessary to evacuate near my moment of triumph because there is a small chance that the pitiful attack made by the small group of ill-equipped heroes against overwhelming odds has a tiny chance of success. A prudent Evil Overlord is a successful Evil Overlord.
- I will not site my castle in the middle of a tortured wasteland where lightning storms are the dominant form of weather. It will be in a gentle, temperate climate where I can observe any small parties of travellers on horseback.
- A cloak will not be necessary to demonstrate my evil presence. Modern textile manufacture will permit me to have something that is warm and practical, and that doesn't trail in puddles.
- I will not embark on great sweeping paths of conquest leaving a swathe of destruction in my wake. My territory will be acquired by stealthy means that leave the infrastructure intact for me to use. Only areas of unimportance will be razed to the ground, and then only as a training exercise for my armies.
- I shall not randomly execute members of my organisation because I feel like it. This has a damaging effect on morale, and is a waste of good training.
- I shall publish hundreds of different and contradictory books of prophesy so that the one true book will be too difficult to find.
- Licences shall be required for all magical items.
- I will not put prisoners in makeshift gaols which just happen to have materials suitable for making a hang-glider or armored car in them.
- Any genius offspring of my engineers shall become part of my organisation. I shall make sure that they have a well- balanced upbringing that doesn't lead them to want to undo their parent's evil.
- I don't care whether my subjects worship me, as long as they pay their taxes on time.
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