How to please your IT Department
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Thread: How to please your IT Department

  1. #1
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
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    371

    How to please your IT Department

    Not so much Security related, but I thought that some AO people may get a bit of a laugh..

    *****************************************

    When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried
    under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried
    flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and
    we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

    Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from
    here.

    When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way
    you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to
    remember 700 screen saver passwords.

    When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what is keeping you
    from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail
    because your computer won't power on at all.

    When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at
    once. We're just testing.

    When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill
    your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

    Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it
    as a rush delivery.

    When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
    electronics in it.

    When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support.
    We can fix your telephone line from here.

    When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer
    support. We're collectors.

    When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair
    with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a
    puzzle.

    When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in
    them, argue. We love a good argument.

    When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a
    scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?"
    That motivates us.

    When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs
    frequently get sucked into black holes.

    When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68
    printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

    Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what
    you mean by "My thingy blew up".

    If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog,
    lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed
    to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

    If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail
    upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin
    crumbs and nail clippings in them.

    When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as
    fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would
    you?

    When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on
    the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any
    money to speak of anyway.

    Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that
    computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional
    expertise referred to as crap.

    When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support.

    Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard
    recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a
    master's degree in nuclear physics.

    When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call
    the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party
    who doesn't know anything about the problem.

    Can you put you name next to any of the above!!!!!

    Loving regards

    The people in IT...........:-)
    SoggyBottom.

    [glowpurple]There were so many fewer questions when the stars where still just the holes to heaven - JJ[/glowpurple] [gloworange]I sure could use a vacation from this bull$hit, three ringed circus side show of freaks. - Tool. [/gloworange]

  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2001
    Location
    Calgary, AB Canada
    Posts
    140

    Re: How to please your IT Department

    Originally posted here by SoggyBottom


    Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from
    here.

    When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way
    you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to
    remember 700 screen saver passwords.

    When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair
    with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a
    puzzle.

    When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs
    frequently get sucked into black holes.

    When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68
    printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

    Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what
    you mean by "My thingy blew up".

    Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard
    recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a
    master's degree in nuclear physics.

    When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call
    the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party
    who doesn't know anything about the problem.

    Those are my favourites. Although I'm not I.T. support or anything, I do know lots more than the avg user at school and always get asked for help. Its always great when 32 people are trying to print, and just because some of them don't get theirs instantly, they press the print button (on a 30 page document) at least 50 times and then wonder why it gives them 50 copies. Will some people ever learn?

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Posts
    144
    "When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair
    with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a
    puzzle."

    I do love puzzles... it's why i fix pc's for gateway.. I enjoy the "the door on the modem where the cd goes in is stuck"... Of course put yourself in a retards shoes.. No need drooling on yourself.. that big beige box is either a modem, paper weight, noise box, ugly thing, or cpu.... so this problem was easy to solve. But the "I can't download things from the internet" one really had me rolling. And to find that they had broken the power button and the only problem with their pc was that they couldn't power it on.

    Yes WE LOVE puzzles!!!

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Posts
    366
    They must have had my father in mind when they wrote these. He believes that computers are pyschic (they should know what you want them to do), and that IT experts are the pyshic hot line.

  5. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2001
    Posts
    50
    Great post man ..I think im going to bring this in to work.They are going to love it down in the computer service's department where I work.
    [glowpurple]A_420_hacker_24::.\"A man without a computer is just a man, a man with a computer is a Admin\" ... \"If its not 4:20 on your clock, it\'s time to change the time\"..:Quotations from Larry Wall:.
    \"I think you didn\'t get a reply because you used the terms \"correct\" and \"proper\", neither of which has much meaning in Perl culture. :-) \"
    [/glowpurple]

  6. #6

  7. #7
    This post just made my day so much better, and to think, only a half a day gone by, and almost oll those situations have occured. LoL.

    This will brighten the rest of the IT dept. for sure.
    Insert whitty tagline right here.

  8. #8
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    Posts
    31
    These were pretty good. It's amazing how many of these apply to the military. We actually tell some users that we will only reply to their problems if they pay us in chocolate. Funny...most users now keep a supply for us on hand.
    The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. - Ann Landers

  9. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Posts
    167
    You forgot...

    If you receive an email from someone you don't know, feel free to download the executable attachment on the company's network.

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