December 21st, 2002, 07:24 PM
2002: The year of Rock 'n' Roll
New Years Day: bald gnome Moby, desperately looking for some pussy, is walking around Chinatown and tries to fondle a cat. The animal doen't like the unsolicited sex and bites Moby in the hand * Walking around on New Years Day? Vegetarians? Fondling cats? Being bald?? Is that what our rock 'n' roll heroes died for?? * After having produced the stinking 'Glitter'-record, Mariah Carey receives 28 million dollar from Virgin Records to nót sing for them anymore. Someone at Virgin has a nice sense of humour. And way too much cash. * Died: Peggy Lee. If you don't know who she is, ask your grandfather * Alive and kicking: Snoop Doggy Dog, who receives two Adult Oscars for his nouvelle vague-movie 'Doggystyle'. The Belgian delegation decides to accept their loss: 'can't compete with them schlongs with our little dickies'...* Backstreet Boys' Nick Carter ends up arrested in Miami for not wanting to leave a club. Someone decides to try to boost Nick's street credibility and releases the news that it was a nightclub. Turns out to be Pop City - a place where nothing but soda is served. Carter: "I swear! I did NOT make up my fight with acne! I AM mean! I'm from the backstreets!".
A video shows up, showing someone suspiciously looking like R Kelly getting it off with someone suspiciously looking underage. Not to mention the golden showers... Kelly defends himself by saying that there must've been a mix-up: it's not him, it's someone looking suspiciously like him.
Kelly gets deported by some fellows suspiciously looking like police officers, to a building suspiciously looking like a jail.
Ol' Dirty Bastard ends up in jail again. That doesn't keep him from releasing 'The Trials and Tribulations of Russell Jones', a record containing songs like 'Taking a ****', 'Dirty and Stinking' and 'I wanna ****'. The judge is touched by Bastard's thinkings, and decides to put him in the same cell as R Kelly. Can't wait for the upcoming tracks 'Taking the piss', 'Extremely Dirty and Stinkin' and 'When I I said I wanted to ****, I didn't exactly mean I wanted to **** Convicted Pedophiles, Mr. Judge'. * Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake, and Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton break up. On the other hand, Kid Rock gives Pamela Anderson a nice hepathitis C-infection for their engagement. Rock 'n' Roll! *
Crisis in the music-business. EMI announces it's going to lay off 1/4th of their artists. They choose Meatloaf and Luciano Pavarotti. *
Britney Spears opens a new restaurant. Doesn't turn out very succesful, because just like her boyfriends the customers aren't allowed to touch the main dish.
MTV starts broadcasting 'The Osbournes'. Sharon Osbourne: 'You're looking at Madonna's ass again, aren't you?' Ozzy: 'Nah, too old for me'.
'The only thing that ever kept me from going to University, was High School!' Uncle Kracker explains why he ain't no doctor, but a DJ for Kid Rock.
Eminem releases 'The Eminem Show' and picks up fights with - amongst others - President Bush, Tipper Gore, Moby, Hollywood, Osama Bin Laden, and his own mother. The only one who fought back was his mother: 'People who think Eminem is cool should realize he lived at his mommy's untill his 26th birthday'.
Dead: John Entwistle (The Who) and Dee Dee Ramone. Dee Dee - known from fine Ramones-songs such as 'Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue', dies from an overdose. He should've known six text-markers in one day is waaay too much. *
Nitwit Lance Bass from 'N Sync makes a deal with the rest of the world-population: he volunteers to be shot into space.
* Dead dude of the month: Elvis! He left the building some 25 years ago, but manages to make it to #1 worldwide with 'A little less conversation'. Free cheese-burgers, speed and quaaludes for everyone!
Mötley Crüe's Nikki Sixx writes a song for the Backstreet Boys, but they let him know - sitting behind a soda in their favourite nightclub - that they have enough crappy songs of their own already. * George W. Bush has a plan ready to convince Americans to do some community work. Bush, asked about his plan: 'And so, in my State of the - my State of the Union, or State, my speach for the nation or whatever you want to call it, speach for the nation, I asked the Americans 4000 years, no 4000 hours from the rest of their lifes. For community work. For America'.
Anna Nicole Smith, asked about her opinion on suicide bombers: 'Suicide bombers? But don't they get hurt?' * Talking about ****: Dolly Parton covers 'Stairway to Heaven'. * Korn's Jonathan Davis needs an autocue to remember his own ermm... lyrics. *
Lance Bass doesn't go to space after all. He says he can live with that because Nick Carter doesn't go to space either: he's Britney's new boyfriend. * Snoop Dogg's been asked for the new Muppets movie. They edit his scenes out though after concluding that a gangsta-rapper, drug-addict and porn-producer ain't exactly a good choice for a family-movie. Snoop: 'Me, dirty? Hey, they're the ones sticking their fists in those puppets' asses'.
Man of the month: Dave Grohl. The guy appears all over earth with Nirvana, Foo Fighters and Queens of the Stone Age in three different shapes. The only other guy who ever did that was God.
Lemmy Motörhead, asked about rock 'n' roll: 'Throwing a tv out of a hotel window ain't bad, but you can't even throw a fork out of the window these days anymore without being arrested for terrorism'.
Debbie Harry, Cindy Lauper, Metallica and Biohazard have been asked to star in 'Listen Smart', a movie about the dangers of noise. They also called Lemmy, but he didn't hear the phone ring.
Bar-fight month: Oasis' Liam Gallagher gets beaten up by some Munich maffia-punks. Moby gets beaten up by three guys after a concert. He blames himself: 'I should have put up a warning at the entrance door: 'Warning! Moby is a little skinny bald musician who only plays bad covers'.
To conclude: Rock "Asereje ja de je de jebe tu de jebere seibiunouva,
majavi an de bugui an de buididipi,
asereje ja de je de jebe tu de jebere seibiunouva,
majavi an de bugui an de buididipi" on!