December 29th, 2002, 05:03 PM
The ASHE(s) Effect
Q. What's the difference between Nasser Hussain and Saddam Hussein?
A. Saddam Hussein has more victories.
Q. How dominant is Australia's No. 1 fast bowler?
A. Well, most people in England think their opening batsman's real name is Atherton b McGrath.
Q. What would Mark Waugh be if he were an English batsmen?
A. In form.
Q. What's the outstanding feature of England's pace attack?
A. Andy Caddick's ears.
Q. Heard about the new Ashes trophy?
A. Yes, if England lose another series they're going to keep the bails and burn the players instead.
Q. How bad is the English batting?
A. Well, the selectors are thinking of moving Extras up the batting order.
Q. Why are the England players demanding increased match payments?
A. Someone has let on that Ashes Tests sometimes go to a fourth day.
Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.
Q. What does Alan Mullally put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.
Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?
A. An allrounder.
Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.
Q. Why don't English fielders need pre-tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything
Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his names?
A. A bowler.
Q. What was the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.
Q. Who has the easiest job in the English team?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats
Q. What advantage do Nasser Hussain, Mark Ramprakash, Uzman Afzaal, Alex Tudor and Alan Mullally have over the rest of their team-mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.
Q. Who spends the most time at the crease of anyone in the England cricket team?
A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.