January 3rd, 2003, 02:22 AM
Evolution of a Linux User
i found this one and im still laughing man, enjoy!
EDIT: ok, when you get to the end after the evolution of a Linux user....you better go pee FIRST, i think i just wet myself laughing...who can kep a straight face when reading "With Windows Millennium, Microsoft was able to get the boot time down to 25 seconds. That's almost as short as it's uptime. " (giggles again)
Evolution of a Linux User
From: Nev Dull <email@example.com>
Forwarded-by: "Muli B.Y." <firstname.lastname@example.org>
James Baughn wrote:
Evolution Of A Linux User
November 28, 1999
During the past year, the scientists in Humorix's Vast Research Lab Of
Doom have studied the behavior and attitude of the typical Windows and Linux user. They have found that the average Linux user goes through ten stages of development from a "Microserf" to an "Enlightened Linux User". An eleventh stage, "Getting A Life", has also been observed, but only on extremely rare occasions.
The 11 stages of evolution are summarized below. Note, however, that this life cycle is not universal. Many pundits, Microsoft stock holders, and PHBs never advance beyond Stage 0 ("Microserf"). Moreover, many extreme Slashdot addicts are stuck between Stages 6 and 7 ("Linux Zealot") and never evolve to Stage 9 ("Enlightened Linux User"). And, unfortunately, far too many people are unable to leave Stage 8 ("Back to Reality") and achieve Geek Self-Actualization due to problems outside of their control.
STAGE 0. MICROSERF
You are the number one member of the Bill Gates fan club. Your life revolves around x86 computers running the latest version of Microsoft solutions: Windows, Office, Internet Explorer, Visual Basic, and even Bob. You have nothing but hate for those eccentric Mac weenies with their click-n-drool interfaces and those stone-age Unix oldtimers with their archaic command lines.
You frequently send angry letters to your elected representative about Microsoft's "freedom to innovative". You think lawyers are evil (unless they are defending innovative companies like Microsoft). You own an autographed copy of a book that was ghostwritten by Bill Gates. Your blood boils when somebody forwards you a so-called Microsoft "joke" by email.
In short, you are a Microserf.
STAGE 1. FEAR, UNCERTAINTY, DOUBT... ABOUT MICROSOFT
Your world-view begins to sour as you encounter a growing number of annoyances with Microsoft products. The number of Blue Screens increases, however you ascribe the problem (at first) to conflicts with poorly written drivers that came with your peripherals. Icons keep jumping around the desktop unpredicatably. You spend 30 minutes one day idly searching for an obscure configuration option in the Control Panel.
Slowly but surely, you begin to have doubts about the quality of Microsoft software. Then, the Microsoft Network, to which you have dutifully subscribed since 1995, begins to double bill your credit card. You attempt to rectify the problem, but are stymied by the burgeoning bureaucracy of Microsoft's Customer Support Department. Fear sets in... will you get your money back?
Meanwhile, something called "Linux" appears on the fringe of your radar. You immediately dismiss the idea of a viable and quality Microsoft alternative (Linux is Unix-based and therefore must suck, you conclude). Nevertheless, you wish something could be done for some of the annoyances in Windows. But you do nothing about it.
STAGE 2. FEAR, UNCERTAINTY, DOUBT... ABOUT LINUX
You keep hearing about this Linux thing, and Open Source, and Apache, and FreeBSD as well. One of your friends installs Linux and says, "It's cool, dude!" You discover that the selection of Windows books at your local bookstore has remained constant while the Linux and Unix books are multiplying like rabbits. You argue, "Well, this just means Linux sucks... if there was such a large demand for it, there wouldn't be many books on shelves."
Nevertheless, as time wears on and Windows becomes more fragile, the temptation to give Linux a try becomes more and more irresistable. While at your local SuperMegaOfficeSupplyStore, you pick up a boxed version of Red Hat on impulse.
With much hubris, you completely ignore the documentation and attempt to install the OS by the seat of your pants. The installation is a failure; Linux simply cannot work with the WinModem, WinSoundCard, WinIDEController, WinPrinter, WinMonitor, and WinDRAM that came with your "Windows 98 Ready" machine from CompUSSR. You don't realize this however, since you didn't read the FAQs and HOWTOs. You immediately blame the problems on Linux and give up. You ditch your Red Hat copy by selling it on eBay.
After the installation fiasco, you leave fearful, uncertain, and doubtful
about this "alternative" operating system. Windows may have its problems, but Microsoft will fix them in the next upgrade, you reckon.
STAGE 3. BORN-AGAIN MICROSERF
"Linux sucks" is your new attitude towards life. Windows, all things
considered, ain't so bad. You resolve to become a better Microsoft
customer by participating in the Microsoft Developer Network and the Site Builder Network. You buy a bunch of "study guides" to pass the MCSE examination.
You launch a Windows advocacy site on some dinky free webpage provider, utilizing the latest innovations in VBScript, ActiveX, and other IE-specific features. Instead of lurking, you now actively participate in Linux and Macintosh bashing on various Usenet groups. Upon discovering Slashdot for the first time, you assume the role of the Bastard Anonymous Coward From Hell by posting countless flamebait posts about how cool Microsoft is and how much "Linsux" (as you call it) is a crappy OS.
You proudly wear an "All Hail Chairman Bill" T-shirt and display numerous pro-Microsoft bumper stickers ("Honk if you hate anti-trust laws") on your car. You never leave home without your Windows CE-based palmtop computer. You make a pilgrimage to Redmond to marvel at the glory that is the Microsoft Campus.
STAGE 4. DISGRUNTLED USER
Your Microserf ways come to an abrupt end when everything goes wrong. You lose a vital work-related document to a Windows crash. You lose your job as an indirect result. You find that applying for jobs is difficult... everyone wants your resume in the latest version of Word, but you have an older version that has an incompatible file format.
You waste more and more time tinkering with Windows and other Microsoft programs to keep them in working order. You encounter serious problems with Windows, but your calls to technical support only yield the dreaded response, "re-install the OS".
After much grief you finally land another job at a software company, only to find out a month later that Microsoft has announced a competing product to be "integrated" with the next version of Windows. You soon lose your job.
You can't take it much longer. You are now an official Disgruntled User, and are ready for a way to escape from the depths of Microsoft Hell. You are ready for anything at all... even a primitive, archaic, hard-to-install, grief-laden alternative like Linux.
STAGE 5. A RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE
You resolve to install Linux now, for real. Your friends say "It's about time", and tell you to RTFM this time. After losing yourself in the documentation for several days, you figure out why your previous encounter with Linux was a disaster: you need real hardware, not WinCrap.
With a new computer at your desk, and a Red Hat CD-ROM in hand, you embark on a voyage of discovery to the land of Linux. Your life is changed forever; words cannot describe the rush you feel when you first log in as "root" after the successful installation. You stare blankly at the screen in awe; you are unable to utter a word, unable to think of anything elseexcept "HOLY **** THIS IS SO DAMN COOL!!!!"
You spend hours, and then days, exploring the depths of the Linux system: a filesystem layout that actually makes sense (no "My Documents" crap), a command line so powerful it makes MS-DOS look like the Stone Age technology that it is... and best of all, no Blue Screen!
"Why have I wasted my life with Microsoft? I'm never going back!" you exclaim wildly. You have thrown off the yoke of Redmond Oppression.
STAGE 6. LINUX CONVERT
You still keep a copy of Windows around, but you find yourself booting into Linux more and more. The meager amount of diskspace you set aside for your first Linux install dwindles; you decide to buy a second hard drive exclusively for Linux.
You re-install everything, including the kitchen sink (Emacs). Once you finally get PPP working (it was a nasty challenge, but you're so enamored with Linux that you hardly notice), you go on a Freshmeat Binge: downloading and installing every piece of Free Software you come across.
STAGE 7. LINUX ZEALOT
Your enthusiasm for Linux is unbounded. You do anything and everything to advocate Linux and spite your old master, Microsoft. Usenet, Slashdot, and LinuxToday are your hangouts. You have a strong opinion about the GNU GPL and you're not afraid to share it.
Linux World Domination is your new life's ambition; you put career,
wealth, and dating on the back burner. You participate in flamefests
against those braindead Windows lusers (stuck in Stage 3) that inhabit Usenet and ZDNet. You purchase all kinds of tacky made-in-Taiwan Linux merchandise (T-shirt, mouse pads, stuffed penguins, etc.) to show your support.
You rearrange books in a bookstore so that the Linux tomes are displayed more prominently. You get in trouble with your boss because you spend all your time surfing Slashdot at work. You petition your local government to migrate their computer systems to free software. You move to another residence just so you can say you live on Apache Street.
Instead of a novel, you read the Linux kernel source for pleasure. You establish your own regional Linux User Group in the hope that you can invite a guest speaker in the future and get their autograph. You learn Perl with the goal of automating common tasks, but you spend more time tinkering with "just one more perl script" than actually getting stuff done.
STAGE 8. BACK TO REALITY
Your zealotry subsides as you are forced to re-enter the Real World. Your boss demands that you submit documents in the latest Word format, nothing else will do. Some of your favorite websites become harder to use because they keep incorporating features enhanced for Windows and IE. The new peripherals you bought from BigEvilProprietaryCo don't work with Linux and probably never will.
Your ISP is acquired by another company, a very Microsoft-friendly company, to be exact. They "upgrade" the system; however, the only change you can notice is that Linux and PPP no longer work without extensive hacking. Then, citing "customer-driven demand", your ISP makes more "enhancements", and Linux no longer works at all. Calling their tech support is an exercise in futility, they simply say, "Linux? What is that? Whatever it is we don't support it, and never will. Go use Windows like everybody else."
Reality sets in: you are forced to use Windows more and more. Your blood pressure rises, you have more headaches, you waste hours and hours due to Windows "issues", but you have no choice.
STAGE 9. ENLIGHTENED LINUX USER
Then you have an inspiration: you do have a choice, you can hack your own drivers for your hardware, you can find another ISP, you can get another job. Everything comes into focus, you have become a Linux Guru.
You kludge together drivers for your "Windows-compatible" hardware. You finally (after much searching) locate a local ISP that's actually run by competent geeks, not MCSEs and PHBs. You find a new, better job at a Linux-friendly company.
In your spare time, you work on various Open Source projects. You build up a reputation and receive "The Letter" to participate in the IPO of a Linux business. You join the bandwagon and create your own Linux portal website.
You're at the pinnacle of evolution for a Linux user. With much joy, you become 100% Microsoft free. You ditch your Windows partition and burn all of the Windows disks and manuals that you own.
STAGE 10. GET A LIFE
You become bored with Linux, and computers in general. You're still a hardcore geek, of course, but you wonder if there isn't something better you could be doing. You've been told to "get a life" countless times during your existence on Earth, but now you wonder if maybe you should have heeded that advice.
Unexpectedly, a media conglomerate (i.e. Andover, Ziff-Davis,
Internet.com, etc.) offers to buy your Linux portal website and domain name for an obscene price that contains a significant number of digits. Without hesistation you accept; this windfall, combined with your earnings from Linux stocks, is enough to retire on.
And that's exactly what you do. You move off to a small tropical island, and get a life.
Thats so true, i was scared to death after a BSD install and wouldnrt even touch the box!!! lol.
The box said "Requires Windows 95 or better." I can't understand why it won't work on my Linux computer.
[Pollito Pito wrote in with an instance where the above slogan is true. The European ISP Chello states in its Installation FAQ that the recommended system configuration is "Windows 95/98/NT or better". It works fine with Linux, though. Which just proves what we've known all along.]
It is not too late to turn back from the GATES of hell. Use Linux - the free 32 bit operating system.
Never trust an operating system you don't have sources for.
Microsoft gives you Windows... Linux gives you the whole house.
Bill Gates did not realize was that his daughter would grow up to be a rebel and would never use anything but Linux for her whole life.
Linux, DOS, Windows NT -- The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
Linux: the operating system with a CLUE... Command Line User Environment
We are using Linux daily to UP our productivity -- so UP yours, Microsoft!
Linux: The OS people choose without $200,000,000 of persuasion
The linuX Files -- The Source is Out There.
If Bill Gates is the Devil then Linus Torvalds must be the Messiah.
Linux. Where do you want to go tomorrow?
A Linux machine! because a 486 is a terrible thing to waste!
Microsoft is not the answer.
Microsoft is the question.
Linux is the answer.
Linux: The choice of a GNU generation
"When you say 'I wrote a program that crashed Windows', people just stare at you blankly and say 'Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*'." -- Linus Torvalds
Going from DOS to Linux is like trading a glider for an F117.
By golly, I'm beginning to think Linux really *is* the best thing since sliced bread.
"We all know Linux is great...it does infinite loops in 5 seconds." -- Linus
"Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen a angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100mph. They'd be a lot more careful about what they say if they had." -- Linus
Linux: Where Don't We Want To Go Today?
Vini, vidi, Linux!
Microsoft seems to have gotten a lot of mileage out of the C2 rating for NT with no network connection. I wonder if a B3 rating for Linux with no power cord might be of value.
Linux -- Have you administered a real OS today?
Linux, because we don't need no steenkin' Blue Screen of Death!
Type cat vmlinuz > /dev/audio to hear the Voice of God.
Linux: Because a PC is a terrible thing to waste.
The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first.
Windows NT, from the people who invented EDLIN!
Linux, the way to get rid of boot viruses
"What you end up with, after running an operating system concept through these many marketing coffee filters, is something not unlike plain hot water." -- By Matt Welsh
Why use Windows, since there is a door?
Fatal Error: Found MS-Windows System -> Repartitioning Disk for Linux...
Linux: Because rebooting is for adding new hardware
Computers are like air conditioners -- they stop working properly if you open WINDOWS
Windows: Microsoft's tax on computer illiterates.
In a world without fences who needs Gates?
Another name for a Windows tutorial is crash course!
Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows.
NT... the last two letters of bowel movement
Some software money can't buy. For everything else there's Micros~1.
Sticks and Stones may break my bones but FUD will never concern me.
Every program expands until it can send mail.
Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."
.vbs = Virus Bearing Script?
Technology is positive when the creators put the interests of their users before their bottom line.
We are Linux. Resistance is measured in Ohms.
Have you ever noticed that at trade shows Microsoft is always the one giving away stress balls?
"See, you not only have to be a good coder to create a system like Linux, you have to be a sneaky bastard too." -- Linus Torvalds
My computer, my documents, my briefcase, my ASS! (Submitted by Ben Cook)
Linux. When you want to get there today! (Submitted by Jeremy Hinegardner)
I have replaced NT with Linux. Linux -- heir of the byte that dogged me. (Submitted by Allan Willis)
Do you remember when you only had to pay for windows when *you* broke them? (Submitted by Noel Maddy)
Free Software: the Software by the People, of the People and for the People. Develop! Share! Enhance! and Enjoy! (Submitted by Andy Tai)
National Weather Service advice for those threatened by severe thunderstorms: "Go inside a sturdy building and stay away from WINDOWS!" (Submitted by Ben Bullock)
Microsoft should switch to the vacuum cleaner business where people actually want products that suck. (Submitted by Bruno Bratti)
I prefer an OS made by programmers that need marketing that an OS made by marketing that need programmers... Use linux (Submitted by Christian Olivier)
Linux: transforms your microcomputer in a workstation.
Windows NT: transforms your workstation in a microcomputer. (Submitted by Paulo F. Sedrez)
At Microsoft, quality is job 1.1 - Use Linux!
Everyone seems so impatient and angry these days. I think it's because so many people use Windows at work -- do you think you'd be Politeness Man after working on Windows 8 hrs. or more? (Submitted by Chip Atkinson)
NT 5.0 so vaporous it's in danger of being added to the periodic table as a noble gas. (Spotted in a Slashdot discussion)
It's spelled Linux, but it's pronounced `Not Windows'
It's spelled Windows, but it's pronounced `Aieeeeeeee!' (Submitted by Shannon Hendrix)
My Beowulf cluster will beat your Windows NT network any day. (Submitted by wbogardt[at]gte.net)
Get it up, keep it up... LINUX: Viagra for the PC. (Submitted by Chris Abbey)
It's no wonder they call it WinNT; WNT = VMS++; (Submitted by Chris Abbey)
Peace, Love and Compile the kernel.... (Submitted by Justin L. Herreman)
A truly stable environment would be a concrete basement with no windows! Computers are no different. (Submitted by Carey McLelland)
I took the Pepsi challenge and chose Linux. (Submitted by Carey McLelland)
Linux - because software problems should not cost money. (Submitted by Shlomi Fish)
Double your disk space - delete Windows! (Submitted by Albert Dorofeev)
The Edsel. New Coke. Windows 2000. All mandatory case studies for bizschool students in 2020. (From a LinuxToday post by Bear Giles)
If your OS needs a virus detector... RUN!!!
...Out and buy Linux! (Tim Wright)
Windows: Where do you want to go today?
MacOS: Where do you want to be tomorrow?
Linux: Are you coming or what?
(from Linux Journal)
I will never trust someone called GATES that sells WINDOWS. (Submitted by Federico Román)
Linux: There is no conspiracy... yet. (Submitted by Matthew Adair)
The following are from Gareth Barnard:
"Microsoft technology" -- isn't that an oxymoron?
Are you tired of being a crash test dummy for Microsoft? Discover Linux.
MCSE == Mentally Challenged Slave of the Empire.
Linux; a re-Gnu-able resource.
Windows NT -- it'll drive you buggy!
If at first you don't succeed, get a job with Microsoft.
Where do you want to go today? Don't ask Microsoft for directions.
The following are from Laurent Szyster:
Free your software, and your ass will follow
How about some patent on "(a+b)2 == a2+2ab+b2" ... choose free software!
"New Technology" or "Not Trusted"?
Market share leadership is a tenuous thing, Mr. Gates: ask IBM ;-)
MS and Y2K: Windows 95, 98, ... and back again to 01
The following are from Havlik Denis:
US Navy uses NT. Saddam, Gadafi, it's party time!
Reset button? Which reset button? - Linux, the OS that never sleeps.
There's the light at the end of the the Windows.
The following are from Ewout Stam:
Linux: Where do you want to GO... Oh, I'm already there!
Windows: Where do you WANT to go TODAY? You WANT to, but you'll never get there. And you can go to only ONE place per day.
Windows contains FAT.
Use Linux -- you won't ever have to worry about your weight.
Microsoft DOS/NT (doesn't) provide the means to WIN!
Crashing is violent; that's why there are more violent games for Windows - and they'll always work.
People use dummies for crash-tests. Windows is so difficult they had to educate the dummies first -- by giving them "Windows for Dummies" books!
The following are from Geoff Johnson:
Q: How many Microsoft Programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: It cannot be done. You will need to upgrade your house.
Q: How many Linux users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to write the HOWTO-LIGHTBULB-CRONJOB, and another to read it.
So what is the best way to protect yourself against the ILOVEYOU virus? Install Linux. If that's not an option, try uninstalling Windows.
These slogans were spotted on Slashdot:
Windows: The first user interface where you click Start to turn it off.
NT == No Thanks
Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now? [ OK ]
Oh My God! They Killed init! You Bastards!
Yo-yo operating system = WinNT: it goes up..., it goes down..., it goes...
Linux! Works great, less filling.
Linux - It is now safe to turn on your computer.
Windows NT source code now available... download WIN2000.BAS now!
Where do you want Bill Gates to go today?
Microsoft does have a Y2K problem... it's called Linux!
C:\WINDOWS\RUN C:\WINDOWS\CRASH C:\ME\FDISK /usr/src/linux
Windows 2000, Users Zilch
If Microsoft were to vanish, who would we hate next?
The relative speed of a computer, regardless of CPU architecture, is inversely proportional to the number of Microsoft products installed.
I'm not a programmer, but I play one at Microsoft.
To segfault is human; to bluescreen moronic.
If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... Oh wait, he does.
I'm not in favor of senseless Micro$oft bashing. I'm in favor of bashing Micro$oft senseless.
I'm a geek with a journalism degree. I suppose that makes me overqualified for a job with ZDNet. Darn.
Wow, the great ZDNET actually corrected a mistake! Of course, if they did that to all of Jesse Berst's columns, they'd lose 2/3 of their content...
It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your source code is?
I'm still waiting for the "Honk if you hate Microsoft" [bumper sticker], but that might get annoying, everyone honking at you.
The relative speed of a computer, regardless of CPU architecture, is inversely proportional to the number of Microsoft products installed.
I'm not a programmer, but I play one at Microsoft.
Every time I think that perhaps we are an advanced race, I turn around and read ramblings on Slashdot, and realize I was wrong.
Microsoft Zen - Become one with the blue screen.
Windows 2000 is more secure than Linux...
Since the machine is offline half of the time because of crashes, it cannot be accessed globally, therefore producing higher security.
Linux: Fast Pane Relief
Given enough time and money, eventually Microsoft will re-invent UNIX.
Linux: the dot in "dot org".
If we added up all of the 2 cents that Slashdot readers gave, I wonder how much sense vs. cents we'd have.
Carpe Daemon -- Seize the background process!
"Microsoft is the epitome of innovation and product quality."
-- This testimonial paid for by Microsoft.
Gates' Law: Every 18 months, the speed of software halves.
It's all GNU to me.
Windows hasn't increased computer literacy. It's just lowered the standard.
The best Windows accelerator is that which works at 9.81m/s2
The next hot technology from Microsoft will be object-oriented assembly.
...A Microsoft spokesperson said, "while fighting software piracy is good for our business, highway robbery is our business."
Why would people waste their time developing viruses for Microsoft products when Microsoft does such a good job itself of adding in bugs which crash your system?
The Information Revolution will be fought on the command line.
Windows NT encountered the following error: The operation completed successfully.
With Windows Millennium, Microsoft was able to get the boot time down to 25 seconds. That's almost as short as it's uptime.
The Internet interprets advertising as damage and routes around it.
Windows 2000: Designed for the Internet. The Internet: Designed for UNIX.
Accept risk. Accept responsibility. Put a lawyer out of business.
A beowulf cluster of Cisco routers? Isn't that the Internet?
Windows 98 hasn't crashed for me once in over a year, either. Oh, wait, I haven't booted it in over a year.
Geeks aren't interested in politics because government doesn't double its efficiency and speed once every 18 months.
For more than 4 generations the IT Professionals were the guardians of quality and stability in software. Before the dark times. Before Microsoft...
You all have to admit that Microsoft products provide a quality unmatched by any other company. That is why I am switching to 100% pure shredded Microsoft certificates of authenticity in my hamster's cage.
Linux: Because rebooting is for adding hardware
Solaris: Because you don't need to reboot to add hardware
Windows: Because rebooting is for adding hardware, adding software, regularly scheduled downtime, and should also be done on a daily basis to keep the machine running.
Slight disorientation after prolonged system uptime is normal for new Linux users. Please do not adjust your browser.
Unix: Where /sbin/init is still Job 1.
I also found this too! and im gunna attack a pic for you guys.
January 3rd, 2003, 05:28 AM
that is a very long but awesome read. nice find heh
January 3rd, 2003, 02:46 PM
I enjoyed it too. Thanks for sharing.
January 3rd, 2003, 08:58 PM
The tech humour section should truly be handed over to you.....
I spend many hours today just reading things you have posted.....really great.
Where do you find all that stuff. Thanks alot for sharing the great mood, its good to see humour at its finest. Keep it up.
January 4th, 2003, 02:59 AM
Nice long read, and i can relate to some of those stages in my windows to linux conversion lol!
so very true...
\"I can resist everything, except temptation.\" - Oscar Wilde
July 31st, 2003, 08:20 PM
so.....how come you aren't the tech humor moderator?
July 31st, 2003, 10:12 PM
July 31st, 2003, 11:49 PM
Wow that was a long post And very funny and I do think you should become The tech humor moderator you have my vote on that
October 1st, 2003, 07:07 PM
Why is all of Gores stuff being bumped up?
October 1st, 2003, 08:53 PM
Meh, duno. I bumped up my Post that had all of my bastard stories in it in one thread (up untill that point). Because someone wanted to read more of them and thats the easiest way to check out all of em without flooding. But I came back today and a **** load were up here. Lol, oh well, now the newbies can see why someone said I should be the mod for this board.