January 3rd, 2003, 06:09 AM
Bastard system admin from Michigan 4
Well guys, i finally did it, i think im getting the story to go in a more interesting turn in this one, by adding more things im getting more ideas for the future releases so im hoping this one is as good as the others if not better, im trying out new ideas and giving a few extra things here and there (the installation of BSD on the workstations for example opened up a hole new type of problem to the lusers lol) and im hoping ill get more ideas with all these new things in this story so i can make a kick ass story in the next edition, Well, enjoy!!
BASTARD ADMIN FROM MICHIGAN
Written entirely by: gore.
5:00 AM: Well I’m getting up early today; I have work to get done before other start showing up. I pat the box of Free BSD install CDs on the head and get ready.
5:20 AM: I pull into the empty parking lot and go in the building, no one is here and I get ready for my task. I insert the install disks and boot the machines up, I start installing on one machine and move on to the next, this should be one entertaining day!
7:30 AM: I just finished the install of BSD on the machines, and a whole pot of coffee (hey it’s early) I’m going to my office now; people are going to be showing up soon.
8:00AM: Well, people are showing up now, I just can’t wait!! Of course none of them have any UNIX skills at all and I didn’t back up any of there work so I think this was a nice job security thing for me.
8:01 AM: The fone just rang, I can only imagine what they want on the other end, I answer and someone on the other end says “I think I have a virus on my computer!! Help me!!” I say “A Virus? Oh no!” How do you know it’s a virus? Well she says, I turned on my computer, and all this text started scrolling down really fast, and then after all that… I think it’s a “Log in” virus, that’s what it says on my screen. I don’t even bother hitting the mute button as I piss myself laughing at her, I say “Have you even tried logging on?” and of course she hasn’t, that would make to much sense to do at a log in prompt now wouldn’t it? She tries and says “uh-oh” I think I have another virus on here, I ask what the hell she’s talking about and she says “All that’s on my screen is a C two dots and a bent line” Ok this is way worse than I had planned for, I tell her to leave her office at once and buy a book called “UNIX for morons” and hang up.
9:00AM: I leave for lunch. (Hey I’ve been here for about 4 hours!) I notice on my way out some Woman is walking into the building with a “UNIX for dummies book” Wow! She actually is trying! I put her on my list of people to give a second chance list, just because she’s the only one doesn’t mean that I’m a bad guy, I’m just not into helping people that don’t need it.
2:00PM: I come back from lunch and I have about 57 e-mails from lusers (Maybe that woman I told to get a UNIX book learned too much….) well, they all say “My computer has a virus. I check our learning friend’s computer, oh, we just can not have this 45 % usage now can we? She’s downloading a song from Sum41…Oh hell no! No fake want to be punk on MY network! I log her off and cancel the download, the fone rings but well, I don’t really care so I unplug it and start a download for her account, I think she is gunna like the Dead Kennedy’s!
2:30PM: Well, my worst fear has come true, one of the damn lusers has learned how to reboot the system and select “Windows 95” from the boot loader. Damn thing ran around and showed everyone! I knew I shouldn’t have trusted them! I check usage and see that it is skyrocketing up to about 68% now that is just not gunna work for me, I start unplugging connections and switching them around, The manager of human resources tries to threaten me with my salary if I don’t hurry up and get his connection working gain so he can finish his “work” I do a quick check while he is standing there and see that he was downloading “Bestiality boys part 5” I remind him that downloading gross porn is not aloud and e-mail the evidence to his boss and ask him if there was anything else he needed (besides a new job now) He pisses his pants and leaves…Well tries to, I hit the switch on the “death knob” and he starts to spark. Hell I can’t even sing gimmie gimmie shock treatment by the Ramones this time, the cops remembered it form last time! But I have another ***** trick to play, I quickly pop in “Shock the Monkey” by Coal Chamber and Ozzy, the cops hate it and I smile. The boss comes in after they leave with his body and asks me what happened, I say I don’t really know, it was all so shocking to me and he looks at me like I’m some kind of morbid *******, he asks me if I’ve thought about having a “helper” and I say no. Well he says, I think I’m going to hire him for your sake (Meaning he wants a damn witness in here the next time an employee is killed) I don’t even fight it, I just sit back down and continue my “important” work, I log into the bosses account and e-mail a few hundred customers telling them how stupid and annoying they are and that I hope they never buy another product from us again (hey I have to keep him on his toes, he would get bored) A few minutes later I notice some replies, oh this is funny, one has cancelled our service and a few others have said they printed it for the news papers. I laugh and mark them as unread, the fone rings after I plug it back in (huge surprise there) It’s the boss almost in tears saying he doesn’t know how this happened but he thinks someone hacked his account, I say “yea that must be it” He says he wants me to “secure the network more” I tell him it will cost him at least double salary and he wont be able to afford that damn helper he wants in here. He says ok and I say I’m gunna need a few extra things from him and tell him to order some firewalls for the server and the workstations and he agrees and I hang up. Wow this is working out great for me! I want to celebrate! I write a quick script so that every time someone logs in someone else is logged out.
3:00 PM: Well the fone is ringing off the hook, users keep getting logged out, I laugh and tell them its because of “technical problems with the server and to just stay logged out for a bit” (that should teach them to keep hogging up resources) I cant stop laughing, not only are the lusers annoyed but they aren’t using hardly any CPU!
4:00PM: The hell with this I’m going home for the day, before I go I notify everyone that in 12 seconds there will be a reboot, after 10 I reboot and then get ready to leave, of course as I’m leaving the fone rings and so I answer it. It’s a luser pissed that I didn’t give enough time for her to save the huge document she was working on and she wants me to somehow make it magically appear, I tell her to type exactly as I say in note pad and she creates a batch file that screws the MBR into hell and she does thinking it’ll fix that problem, she opens it and says “My screen flashed and that was it” I tell her to reboot the machine and she says ok. I hurry up and leave and laugh to myself as I think how when she reboots the computer is going to be a black screen saying “I’m an idiot, spank me” and then shuts down, I can only imagine how tomorrow will be, but for now I’m going home to watch some horror movies. Before I even get out of the building the boss runs up behind me screaming bloody murder, the girl I just helped rebooted but saved the file on disk and tried to “show her co-workers” what happened to her system…You’d think people would learn when something screws YOUR system don’t put it on another. But not these lusers, they seem to be extra dumb. I tell the boss It’s the end of my shift and that the problem can be solved by reinstalling Windows, he looks at me blankly as if he wants to understand that so I say ok fine but you owe me huge. I insert one of the off site back ups I was carrying and start and reinstall every system, I remind the boss I’m not working for free and since this is overtime its double time, so of course I’m going slow as possible, it only takes me 4 hours to reinstall, not bad but now I’m tired as hell, I tell the boss that since no one backed up there work yesterday they all have to redo everything they had on there…I think he’s crying! I leave and go home, tomorrow should be fun.
January 3rd, 2003, 08:20 AM
I am a big fan of your stories gore, keep up the good work. They make me laugh no matter how bad a day I have been having.
\"I am trying to beat it but it is a losing fight.\" - My dad said this the day before he died. I will make him proud.
January 3rd, 2003, 08:25 AM
Wow...im glad i have an impact on you like that, feels good to make people feel good, im hoping the next story is going to be waaaaay better, i have more meterial to work with now that i have the boss talking about giving me a helper and stuff, this is the episode i was worried people wouldnt like because this is the one i had to introduce new things into, but im glad it makes you feel better.
January 3rd, 2003, 03:58 PM
Yeah good stuff, I am keeping explicit notes of these. I need them for when I become system admin.
One thing though, you gave yourself a raise but then you got your salary doubled. At the end of 4, you were being paided double time,so thats 1x2 + 2x of what you usually made That must have been a nice amount, but where I work Salary workers are paid evenly, not by the hour and OT is on them... ? Anyway good story sorry to ruin it.
January 3rd, 2003, 06:58 PM
thx alot for making my day a happy one, i really needed somethin funny. That story is very cool. Great work there gore. I hope to read more stuff from you in the future. I should think that the title "bastard admin" really suits the situation. Very nice, i really enjoyed it.
Just wanted to add after reading this one, i read the other 3 you have written. Perfect, really so funny. Keep it up dude
January 3rd, 2003, 11:58 PM
Sorry, but I don't think so... unless you installed DOS instead of *BSD
“All that’s on my screen is a C two dots and a bent line”
Credit travels up, blame travels down -- The Boss
January 4th, 2003, 12:15 AM
ummm, dude, its just a story.. and if you wouldv read it you wouldv seen they were dual boot, i mean its cool you picked that outta the story but its just a story.
January 4th, 2003, 12:28 AM
Hey, I didn't mean it in a "critical" way.. I just was a little hard on the keyboard!
But between, you said it said "log in:" which you wouldn't have on a windows box!
I'd have gone with something like:
-I think it wants money.
-What makes you think that?
-there's a dolar sign on the screen!
I just like jokes to sound true... I'm like that at movies too (which sometimes anoyes me too!)
Credit travels up, blame travels down -- The Boss
January 4th, 2003, 12:31 AM
yea i know how you feel, when i watched hacker, the net and sword fish, i think i said "oh tea right" prolly 67 times lol, im gunna try to get working on the new one soon and it should be awesome.
January 4th, 2003, 07:56 AM
Nice stories gore.
I have to say, many times I have wanted to be mean to "lusers" at work, but only gave in with one person. This particular luser would not learn about things not to download, or anything, and had a habit of turning off her antivirus and leaving it off. My solution. Installed windows 2000 pro for her(only user rights, no admin) so she couldnt turn off the AV, this wasn't mean, just good sense, but then, from our central management server for AV I would trigger her scanner randomly and frequently, telling it to use as muchprocessor as it wanted to. Then I would just giggle to myself when she called the helpline about a slow computer.