January 4th, 2003, 08:04 AM
Bastard system Admin From Michigan 5
Well all, i started working on this one earlier today and im getting new ideas ready for the next, im gunna introduce the helper soon so this one i think is better than 4 but prolly isnt as good as 6 will be lol, i think that would should be awesome cause im gunna work on it longer and try to get some more things to work with in the stories, well, enjoy all, hopefully it brightens your days like thew others have and remember, read this one and leave a message on what you think, im still working on getting more stuff to work with in the story so in number 4 thats why i had to wait so long, i had to get some stuff ready so i could introduce new characters and new things to bother the bastard, after i have more characters to work with im sure theyll be even better than the ones so far! Well, enjoy.
(remember not to be to harsh though, iv nver written before except these stories and i do them basically when i have a chance, enjoy)
BASTARD ADMIN FROM MICHIGAN
Written entirely by: gore.
In this edition, will our hacking hero get a helper? Will he switch to decaf and commit mass murder? Will he kill every process to play video games?
8:00 AM: Ok I’m already mad, I know today is going to go badly because I have to reinstall everything for these damn lusers. I get to the office and the boss is waiting for me, somehow that’s rarely a good sign. “I told you to get here early” he says, I look at the clock and tell him if I could I’d still be in bed for at least another 5 hours and he laughs thinking I’m joking. Ok, lets get this done I say. I go to the “software closet” and pull out the Windows NT and Windows 95 boxes and grab the install CDs for each, thankfully a smarter decision made by the managers was to have each machine “CD bootable” The boss asks me if he can help, instead of saying yes put me in your will and die I say “Sure, open up the CD drives on all the systems and stick these in, then close them and reboot the machine, I finish grabbing boxes and go join him and we have every machine loaded and rebooted in about 25 minutes, I tell the boss to select the format and install option and press enter and we get to work. After we finish this up I realize I have an audience of the entire department watching me and asking what’s going to happen to all there work they’ve done thus far, I tell them if they did back ups like I said it will be installed back onto the machine soon and if they didn’t its gone, one of them replies with “so you morons cant even do back ups for us? How stupid are you people?” oh huge mistake, I never thought id ever have the taste of powdered tooth enamel in my mouth and turn and ask for her user name, she gives it to me and I say as soon as we get done ill be sure to give her special treatment (never said she would like it) You’d think that 4 degrees in science would give her some kind of brain power but I guess the ability to create something with more than one ass has caused her to grow one on her shoulders. I remind the boss that today my big comfy chair will be coming and I’ll need a few extra minutes alone to “test it out” he looks at me blankly and then says ok remembering the others that got on my nerves. Finally the systems are restored, the lusers flock in like zombies to a cow brain factory and get logged in, of course one has to ask about there work again and I remind him if he did his damn back ups he will be fine. I hurry up and leave and get to my office, my chair is waiting for me and I’m waiting for it. I sit down and erase all the back ups of everyone’s work and the fone rings, oh hell, already? I answer the fone and it’s a luser asking about back ups, I tell him I checked for them when I came in and there weren’t any and say next time when I tell you to do back ups make sure you actually do it.
10:00AM: Man I’m bored, I remember I have the Mrs. I cant shut my damn mouth for 5 seconds account name and decide to play, I look her up and see she’s e-mailing her husband, on MY damn network! That’s going to stop! I pull the plug on her connection and the fone rings almost immediately, I unplug it and log into her account and “finish” the e-mail to her husband:
Subject: We need to talk…
I know things have been going good lately, but I cant let this go any longer, I’ve been cheating on you with another woman for about 6 months now and we are in love, I realized you just don’t have what I was looking for in anything and I’m leaving you.
After quickly sending it I go to a few websites and download some very tasteless porn on her account and log off and plug her back in, after plugging the fone also back in it rings and I answer, its her of course saying she was trying to work on a spreadsheet and it wouldn’t let her check for her mail from the boss (you’d think she could at least lie better) I tell her to try now and she says oh ok, its working and I hang up.
11:00 AM: I leave for lunch and as I’m leaving a luser runs up to me saying there machine has frozen and they have no idea why, I walk over and see a frozen screen with AIM, MSN, Yahoo, and 5 browsers open and a movie being downloading… Well that’s certainly odd, you have a whole 64 Megs of ram and your computer froze and all you had open was this? Wow, well I’m on my lunch hour or 4 so just hit the power off and on about 25 times, that should clear up the memory and fix it, they say ok and I walk away. I don’t leave yet though, I hide a few feet from his desk and listen, and this is going to be great! I hear him counting, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, BOOM! Ha-ha! That took care of that, I run back to my desk to grab my tape of me saying “No don’t do that you’ll screw it up!” I love that tape, of course you’ll remember it from other episodes to. I walk past and the luser is in tears saying “I don’t know what happened” again the boss walks buy and asks what happened, the luser starts to say “He told me to turn it on and off a few times to clear memory” and I cut him off and say no I didn’t I tried to tell you not to and play the tape, watching a luser **** themselves is a time honored tradition with bastard system Admins and it still gets me laughing every time. I leave for lunch and go visit a friend working at another company, we chat for a few hours and talk about what we want to do this weekend.
4:00 PM: I get back to work and the luser is sitting at there desk packing, wow this could actually get fun, as I’m walking passed him I hear “You bastard!” I turn around and they look as if they can see my eyes turn black. I walk back out in the parking lot, grab the can of paint thinner, and pour it on his 1946 classic ford, and walk back in, I wait a few minutes and decide to play a game while I wait, a few hours pass and I go for a walk and realize the luser hasn’t left yet, I look outside and see that his car looks like it was supposed to come in the rust color and smile, I go back to my chair and listen. I hear the scream all the way in here, I walk outside and the luser is face down almost dying, I laugh and walk away, he asked for it. I walk back inside and the boss is waiting for me, he says he still wants to hire someone to help me out in the labs and I say “Tell you what, if I get to pick the person myself, I’ll do it” he seems to have a sigh of relief not realizing that I’ll pick someone like me and he wont have that “witness” he wants. I go back into my lab and check usage, 79% and rising, oh its kill time now, I look for the lusers using the most bandwidth. Aha! firstname.lastname@example.org decided he would download Windows datacenter server on MY network, I’m not eve going to unplug this one, I send him a few “unhappy packets” and his machine reboots, then I log into his account and see he’s been doing this for a while, he has almost ever version of Windows created and enough mp3s to listen to music for a day, I take a trip down to his machine and I see he tried giving himself more space and somehow succeeded and so I switch the HD in his machine with a 2 GB drive running windows 95 and set up his NIC so it uses the 10MB option instead of the 100MB option, then I realize he’s coming back down the hallway so I leave and watch, when he logs back in he cant find his downloaded stuff and doesn’t know what happened and sits there for a minute and then I walk away. I’m getting bored so I write a small script and release it on our warez guy, every time he tries to connect to the internet his computer now restarts in fdisk. I think he will like it. Well I’m getting bored again, I go install a new firewall on all the luser computers and set it to not allow traffic from a site with the following letters, after typing the whole alphabet I walk away and install a port blocker and some new software on the computers. I stroll past accounting and decide to have some fun, I change the addresses for very employee to that of another employee and have the bosses’ sent to my house in my name, those damn glitches!
8:00 PM: Well, my 12 hour day is over, so I’m leaving, just as I’m about to go, I sneak some “stay awakes” into the coffee machine, tomorrow will definitely be more fun watching lusers bounce around like balls.
Coming in the next episode or two: The bastard system admin from Michigan gets a helper! And trains him!
January 4th, 2003, 11:32 AM
This is the first Time I have read all of these, I have to say that they are brilliant!, Thanks for bringing a smile to my day
January 4th, 2003, 11:41 AM
These just keep getting better and better...keep up the good work!
January 4th, 2003, 05:08 PM
Thanks for taking to time to write these.
They brighten up my otherwise drab day.
Keep up the good work.
January 4th, 2003, 11:44 PM
Hey all, i wanna thank you for the good feed back, i appreciate it very much, ill keep em going and hopefully ill have 6 going soon, thanks again eveyone.
January 5th, 2003, 05:08 PM
hmmm, this last one was a bit short, and not as funny or new as the others.....take more time, the first ones you made were brilliant......just dont try to write one everz day. Forgive me if my post sounds critical....just compared to the others your wrote, this one is not as brilliant as the others.
Keep up the great work though.
January 5th, 2003, 08:38 PM
lol.. well you can say you did write these.. but you should mention that (maybe) you were inspired by others before you..
here are some links to the The Bastard Operator from Hell
and some other related humor
January 5th, 2003, 10:53 PM
umm, yea dude, if you read the first one i posted (bastard system admin from Michigan #1) i said that i loved the BOFH and that i wanted to start writing my own stories inspired by it so i did, most people started reading with the first one so i figured i didnt have to keep on saying what my inspiration wasafter the first. and for the critical post thats ok man i know these last two werent as good, they cant be that good cause iv never wrote anything before so im not good at making a good story while im introducing new characters so theres actually a reason these werent as good, i was trying to bring new things into the story so the next should be alot better, and yea i plan on taking way more time with that one. hopefully itll be the best so far.
January 6th, 2003, 12:37 AM
ahhh.. my bad.. of course you would give reference to the inspiration.
and as i said in my pm to you.. i had thought of checking the first one in the series but
only after i had posted.. then something came up where i had to split quickly.
once again.. good writing.. keep it up..
you just have to work on your paragragh structures a bit more.. (but don't ask me.. I hated english.. i was an engineering major.. we can hardly even spel .. lol