New Element Discovered!
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists as Whatsamata U. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have a neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons and 111 assistant vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass number of 312.
These 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by meson-like particles called memos.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take 4 days to complete when it would normally take 1 second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately 3 years, at which time it does not actively decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that atomic mass number actually increases after reorganisation.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to condense and concentrate at certain points such as government agencies and universities, and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings. Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate.
Attempts are being made to determining how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.