Call up (Geoff Hoon)
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Thread: Call up (Geoff Hoon)

  1. #1
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    Call up (Geoff Hoon)

    Dear Sir (or Madam),

    Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act
    (1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself
    on standby for possible compulsory military service in the American
    Conflict.

    You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will
    join either the 3rd Battalion The Queen's Own Suicidal Conscripts or the
    2nd Foot and Mouth. The regulars are too busy driving Green Goddesses to
    be there themselves.

    Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us
    any of their liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were
    returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to
    make your own way to the combat zone. H.M. Government have been able to
    negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips with Virgin Airlines and you
    are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer (Ryan Air also do a
    nice little £9.99 trip).

    Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be
    necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as
    soon as possible:

    * Combat Jacket
    * Trousers (preferably khaki - but please no denim)
    * Tin helmet
    * Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
    * Gas mask
    * Map of the combat zone (the Ordinance Survey 1:2800 Outdoor Leisure
    Map of Iraq will do)
    * Rifle
    * Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
    * Suntan oil

    If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank,
    (Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all new conscripts a
    0% finance deal on all X registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is
    only available whilst stocks last).

    We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything
    going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your
    choice, and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows
    pension of £1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means
    testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.

    There may be little time for formal military training before your
    departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films
    and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:

    * The Guns of Naveronne
    * Zulu
    * Kelly's Heroes
    * A Bridge too Far
    * The Longest Day
    * Apocalypse Now
    * The Matrix
    * Blazing Saddles
    * The Desert Song
    * Mary Poppins

    We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.
    We strongly recommend that you do not watch Santa Claus the Movie (only
    because its 'crap')

    To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of
    Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what
    may be involved (minus the mud).

    Yours faithfully,

    G Hoon, Ministry of Defence.

    A Bush-Blair Production Sponsored by Mars, The Official snack of World
    War III
    668 - the neighbor of the beast

  2. #2
    Senior Member tampabay420's Avatar
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    lol, i think?
    i'm a bit confused- but laughing

    nice one!
    yeah, I\'m gonna need that by friday...

  3. #3
    AO Ancient: Team Leader
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    Englishgirl: Where on earth do you dig up this unadulterated crap?????????

    LMAO though.......
    Don\'t SYN us.... We\'ll SYN you.....
    \"A nation that draws too broad a difference between its scholars and its warriors will have its thinking done by cowards, and its fighting done by fools.\" - Thucydides

  4. #4
    Senior Member
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    I am lmao!!!!!
    the only way to fix it is to flush it all away-tool

  5. #5
    Antionline's Security Dude instronics's Avatar
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    Indeed your posts tend to make my days happy ones. Thanx for the laugh.

    Cheers
    Ubuntu-: Means in African : "Im too dumb to use Slackware"

  6. #6
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    The source of my unadulterated crap.....oh now that would be telling. Actually, I get it the same place I got my husband (online). I have some really strange friends with a stranger sense of humour than me.

    R.
    668 - the neighbor of the beast

  7. #7
    AO Ancient: Team Leader
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    Englishgirl: So.... You are saying you got your hubby from the same place you *dug* up your "unadulterated crap"....... OK...... no doubt you call him "treasure".......
    Don\'t SYN us.... We\'ll SYN you.....
    \"A nation that draws too broad a difference between its scholars and its warriors will have its thinking done by cowards, and its fighting done by fools.\" - Thucydides

  8. #8
    Senior Member
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    Husband - unadulterated crap - no! Actually he's very sweet. But I did get him on a mailing list (no, he wasn't part of a hardware sale), the same mailing list where I found my previous three boyfriends (and before you all go rushing looking for single women, I was the only one!) I also found a house, a guitarist and a wedding venue.

    Okay, now a joke....

    what's the difference between "light" and "hard"?

    It's light all day and you can sleep with a light on.

    Teheheh

    Rachel
    668 - the neighbor of the beast

  9. #9
    Now, RFC Compliant! Noia's Avatar
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    <English Voice>
    Oh, Jolly Gee Gosh, That was an absolutly Spiffing Joke......
    I laughed so much my Cheek-bones have gone Rosey red.
    And now for more tea
    </English Voice>

    Hehe, I read your profile, and one of my friends is JUST like you it's scary.....then again....you like being scary...

    Nice post

    - Noia
    With all the subtlety of an artillery barrage / Follow blindly, for the true path is sketchy at best. .:Bring OS X to x86!:.
    Og ingen kan minnast dei linne drag i dronningas andlet den fagre dag Då landet her kvilte i heilag fred og alle hadde kjærleik å elske med.

  10. #10
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    Actually Noia, we say "jolly hockeysticks" more than spiffing, but you could try the word "chortle" on for size.....you know several people have said they have friends who are exactly like me. It may be because the english are all in-bred (donning flameproof pants). Anyway - if you think that's scary you should see my "anyone using paperclips in this office will be decapitated....and then sacked" sign (*shameless self-publicity warning* see http://www.antionline.com/showthread...hreadid=240060)
    668 - the neighbor of the beast

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