Prog-mock (MS joke)
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Thread: Prog-mock (MS joke)

  1. #1
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Posts
    103

    Prog-mock (MS joke)

    #include
    #include
    #include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
    #include /* For the court of law */
    #define say(x) lie(x)
    #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
    #define next_year soon
    #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

    void main()
    {
    if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
    {
    if (there_are_still_bugs)
    market(bugfix);
    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
    raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
    }
    while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
    {
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
    lie.h */
    if (rumours_grow_wilder)
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);

    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
    {
    market_time=ripe;
    say("It will be ready in one month);
    order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
    order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
    order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
    vapourware=TRUE;
    break;
    }
    }
    switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
    {
    case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
    say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
    break;
    case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
    say("Yes it will work");
    ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
    pretend(there_is_no_problem);
    break;
    case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
    say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
    " the2 bits architecture");
    inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
    inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
    "'cos all those customers will need at least2 megs");
    inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
    get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
    break;
    case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
    say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
    everyone");
    register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
    when(time_is_ripe)
    {
    arrest(journalist);
    brainwash(journalist);
    when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
    {
    order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
    release (journalist);
    }
    }
    break;
    }
    while (vapourware)
    {
    introduction_date++; /* Delay */
    if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
    break;
    say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
    }
    release(beta_version)
    while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
    {
    bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
    release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
    introduce(more_memory_requirements);
    if (customers_report_installation_problems)
    {
    say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
    if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
    {
    ignore(customer);
    order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
    bastard");
    }
    }
    if (there_is_another_company)
    {
    steal(their_ideas);
    accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
    hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
    wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
    buy_out(other_company);
    }
    }
    /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
    us */
    order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
    buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
    laugh_at(everyone,
    for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
    }

    void bugfix(void)
    {
    charge (a_lot_of_money);
    if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
    say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
    if (still_complaints)
    {
    ignore(customer);
    register(customer, Big_Bill_Book);
    /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
    }
    }
    668 - the neighbor of the beast

  2. #2
    A very old but very funny joke =]

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