Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):
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Thread: Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

  1. #1
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    Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

    Dont know if it has been posted or not.....

    Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
    Project: Version - Windows 95

    Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

    #include <nonsense.h>
    #include <lies.h>
    #include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
    #include <process.h> /* For the court of law */

    #define say(x) lie(x)
    #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
    #define next_year soon
    #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

    void main()
    {
    if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
    {
    if (there_are_still_bugs)
    market(bugfix);
    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
    raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
    }
    while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
    {
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
    lie.h */
    if (rumours_grow_wilder)
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
    {
    market_time=ripe;
    say("It will be ready in one month);
    order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
    order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
    order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
    vapourware=TRUE;
    break;
    }
    }
    switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
    {
    case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
    say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
    break;
    case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
    say("Yes it will work");
    ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
    pretend(there_is_no_problem);
    break;
    case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
    say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
    " the 32 bits architecture");
    inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
    inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
    "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
    inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
    get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
    break;
    case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
    say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
    everyone");
    register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
    when(time_is_ripe)
    {
    arrest(journalist);
    brainwash(journalist);
    when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
    {
    order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
    release (journalist);
    }
    }
    break;
    }
    while (vapourware)
    {
    introduction_date++; /* Delay */
    if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
    break;
    say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
    }
    release(beta_version)
    while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
    {
    bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
    release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
    introduce(more_memory_requirements);
    if (customers_report_installation_problems)
    {
    say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
    if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
    {
    ignore(customer);
    order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
    bastard");
    }
    }
    if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
    {
    divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
    wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
    marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
    devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
    if (boobies_start_to_hang)

    dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
    }
    if (there_is_another_company)
    {
    steal(their_ideas);
    accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
    hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
    wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
    buy_out(other_company);
    }
    }
    /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry
    at
    us */
    order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
    buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
    laugh_at(everyone,
    for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);

    }


    void bugfix(void)
    {
    charge (a_lot_of_money)
    if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
    say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
    if (still_complaints)
    {
    ignore(customer);
    register(customer, big_Bill_book);
    /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
    }
    }

  2. #2
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    HAHAHAHAHAHHA Laughed my ass off.

  3. #3
    Member
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    Fukken-A Right!

  4. #4
    Senior Member
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    Fresnoooo
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    Haa haa, great! I laughed so hard. . .Thanks for giggles!
    Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed. If I fail, no one will say, "She doesn't have what it takes"; They will say, "Women don't have what it takes".
    Clare Boothe Luce

  5. #5
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    ROFLMFAO!!!




    but it sad because so true

  6. #6
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    lol that's a good one

    gotta add in the blocks of memory (nodes) that haven't been deleted yet in their linked lists so they're just floating around and you'll have the ideal MS app..hehe
    \"If you befriend a person but lack the mercy to correct him, then you are in fact his enemy!!!!\"

  7. #7
    Junior Member black_v's Avatar
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    Great man!! LOL !! It makes me wanna be a programmer for M$ so i can make
    bullshit source code for free without any repercusions

    I code,therefore I exist
    although the Gods don\'t agree
    No lightning pls

  8. #8
    The Recidivist
    Join Date
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    That has to be the funniest sh*t I have seen all week!!!!!
    Thanks for the laugh.



    hjack
    "Where the tree of knowledge stands, there is always paradise": thus speak the oldest and the youngest serpents.
    - Friedrich Nietzsche

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