The Bastard System Admin From Michigan #7

[gore]

I actually finished it! i started it up earlier and thought hey why not post it now? my goal is to make you piss yourself laughing, and as always give me your opinions too, enjoy!
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BASTARD SYSTEM ADMIN FROM MICHIGAN
#7
Written entirely by: gore.

You thought rm -rf / on your file server was a bastard, then you met me.

7:00 AM: I awake from my long vacation to the fone ringing. I answer and it’s my boss, big surprise huh? “Gore we need you here now!” I love how I have him trained to call me by my handle.
“What’s wrong?” I ask. Well, I decided to take a trip into the server room, the one only you, the helper and me have access too, and well I noticed there wasn’t much free space on the one marked “file server” so I asked my brother in law how to delete things.

He told me that rm filename worked and he said to delete a lot of extensions at once use an asterisk symbol and so I figured id help make your job easier today and I typed rm *.* and I said yes to the question, I didn’t read it but in Windows it only asks if I’m sure I want these to go to the recycling bin anyway and now no one can access the server.

7:30 AM: “preparing application for garbage collector for the city” How ****ing dumb can he person be? I get up and hop in the shower and prepare for work (swallow down some valium with a pot of espresso) and start driving in.

7:45 AM: The Valium is kicking in and so I’m nice and calm. Driving to work I pop in my Acid Bath CD and blare it loudly. Everyone seems to be staring at me, oh well. I pull into the parking lot, my dumb ass boss is waiting for me in tears, wow, and this might get good.

7:55 AM: I decided to lock my doors and sit in front of the boss in my car smoking before I got out. He looks madder than sad now. I get out and he runs up to me. “Shut up I don’t care just go away and ill fix it”. Oh ok. **** that worked well. I should try this more often, oh well.

8:00 AM: I walk in and see everyone looking mad, good there pissed and I’m not. I walk into my office/computer lab and sit down, log in and then go to check the server. I actually had back ups so everything is fine, well right now, that dumb ass is going to learn the hard way to leave **** alone so I delete all the back ups and start reformatting the server.

The boss walks in and asks what is going on and I say “Well we lost everything because you deleted all of it and the back ups, the back ups were stored in the romulator chip of the bios on this server and you killed it” Dumb ass mode on.

He looks at me in shock and almost faints. Score!

I tell him to let everyone know why they lost all there work and he almost cries again. I grab the Free BSD install CDs and pop them in.

10:00AM: Well the servers back up and running and I think my boss has been shot; they were pretty pissed to hear he killed everything. Oh well I don’t like him anyway.

I walk back in and sit down, I have to think long and hard, who the hell is devious enough to be MY assistant? I think for a little while but decide to put it off for a bit. I look at network load and see it at 99% what the ****?????????

I get up quickly and check to see where it’s coming from. I see it’s the one person in the building who not only can’t leave things alone but actually thinks he knows what he is talking about when he screws up.

I walk into his office and ask him “what in the **** are you doing?” he asks “what do you mean?” oh great answer a question with an idiotic one.

I say to him that the network is overloaded and all of it is coming from his machine.

What are you talking about I only have one application open!
I look on his computer screen and see a $700 program running that we do not have.

What is that? “Oh, that’s mine, I found it online!” So you pirated software?

“No! I found it on this website and it said I could get software for free, it was something like cracked4free.com I think”

I decide not to ask him to move; I just push his wheeled chair away very hard and look at his PC. I ask him what he has changed this time and he says “Oh nothing at all, but I found a lot of these free software sites online and so I just added them to “network neighborhood” for quicker access”

Funny, I never thought I would taste powdered tooth enamel again this soon. I refrain from choking him but remember his log in name and password after telling him I’m taking his PC in for a format.

Him: Why? I need that!

Me: because you are a ****ing moron

Him: I’m telling your boss!

Me: I’ll tell him about the warez you installed and what you did.

Him: I didn’t do anything though!

Me: Those sites were Warez sites, you broke the law, don’t make me have you arrested idiot, I am root, you are luser, learn your role and shut up.

Him: That is so mean!

Me: I know, and no, I don’t care.

I walk out with his PC and back to my office and sit down. I hook his PC up and write down his username and password for later on fun.

I pop in the Windows 2,000 CD and reformat it and start reinstalling as I log in as him and send the boss a quick mail.

“Dear *******,
I know we have gotten along well and you were giving me a raise soon, but iv decided to come forward, I’ve been sleeping with your wife and your daughter for about 9 months now, I know this is a shock but we had a threesome once a week and I had a great time. Just thought id thank you for allowing me to get off with your family, sincerely,
-Luser.
PS: the baby is not yours.

I’m so funny sometimes.

12:00PM: I decide to leave for lunch because I hear the boss faint; I definitely want to see this one. I get up and watch in the parking lot as the boss kicks the **** out of and fires the luser. Score!

I see the luser get in his car and leave as the boss tries to calm down. I grab my laptop and sign on from the wireless access point we have for emergencies like this. I log into my machine with a special back door I installed.

I e-mail the boss to tell him how funny it was watching him kick the luser’s ass and that I caught the hole thing on camera and I already have it uploaded to an FTP in case he tries anything to destroy the evidence, since we all know that the luser does not believe in cops.

The boss quickly replies asking what I want. Woot! I mail him back reminding him of a joke I made that I wanted a T3 in my house and that he would be paying for it someday.
I tell him that I was not joking and that he will be paying for this for me out of his pocket and to not pretend he can’t afford it.

(This man makes around 100k a year and already owns his house and 5 BMWs.) Another quick reply from captain dumb ass, Woot! I’m getting a T3 this week!

I decide to have some fun and call the lusers house, his wife answers the fone and I tell her “I’m sorry I have to be the one telling you this but, we had to fire your husband today” What???????? She says.

“I know he’s been with us for 10 years but what he did was bad” What did he do that was so awful? He needs his job we have a baby on the way and our electricity is about to be shut off! “Well, he was sleeping with his manager’s wife” What?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I’ll kill him!

“I’m sorry I had to be the one to tell you”

Don’t you worry; I’ll take care of this, thank you for telling me.

I hang up and giggle a bit thinking what will happen to him. The boss walks in and says “I hope you like your new connection, you’re expensive”

I know, but I’m worth it. Have you decided on a helper yet? He asks. Sort of, an old friend of mine Aeallison may work out ok.

In the next Episode: Will our hackin’ hero make more luser’s life’s hell?
Do you really have to ask that honestly?
Will Aeallison be hired in to help out gore? Who the hell knows but lets keep the humor flowing!
Stay tuned to gore for more and see what this ******* can come up with next!

[instronics]

This is the best one so far. You are the BEST gore. This one is bookmarked to read it over and over again. (Good thing i dont live in Michigan and gore is my admin) w00t w00t

Cheers for taking your time to share a good mood with us.

Cheers.

[ZomBieMann77]

Just exactly what i have come to expect out of you gore. I should have known better than to try taking a drink while reading it. Oh well it was time fore a new keyboard anyways

[gore]

lolololololololol thanks guys, its good to have a nice responce and feel loved here, lol ill try working on another soon, but untill then enjoy this one.

[FrameWork]

This is good stuff! I can tell you put alot of time into these, good on you. Try not to take those Pharmaceuticals so early next time!

This was my favorite line :

Me: Those sites were Warez sites, you broke the law, don’t make me have you arrested idiot, I am root, you are luser, learn your role and shut up.

a heavy handed response is always warranted.

[Curtis8]

Curious as to how many lusers there are, since lots are being fired with no mention of re-hiring... Maybe have some new (coff coff) DeVry upstart come in and see what happens ;-) And no, I don't care if you call him Curtis :-)

[fidelis]

Wow. That is amazing the BOFM a.k.a. “gore” has a conscience. He will not allow warez on his network… (although there may be alterior motives)

fidelis

[ts.flatline]

Haha, that must of been one of the funniest stories. Keep em comin and keep up the good work gore. I almost feel bad for luser getting abused by our hero

[gore]

lol, thanks guys, and yea, no warez on MY network, lol, it feels good to bring laughter to people, and in this story i put the "laughter" back in "slaughter" lol. now if only the original BOFH would have new stories, man i read like 50 of em in one day, i sat here for hours pissing myself laughing and was inspired, which is when i started this series, its gone longer than i thought it would thats for sure, i wasnt sure if anyone would actually like these because iv never written stories, but after i had a really good responce i wrote another and another and well, i guess i should start #8 soon, lol i try not flooding so i usually put a few days and sometimes a few months between stories so it doesnt get boring, anyway again thank you all for the replies. hehe and yea maybe theres a few other reasons i act pissed about warez...he did bring my network traffic up alot, lol, and yes there are alot of employees, maybe in the next story ill add some detail.

[instronics]

I want to agree with what Framework has quoted in his post here, indeed, that line was too cool. "i am root, you are luser, so stfu" ROFL

Cheers.