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  1. #1
    Flash M0nkey
    Join Date
    Sep 2001

    Talking Geeks Guide to Girls

    ***After wrting this I think I better warn peps that there maybe bits that some people would find offensive tho on this site i doubt it.....****

    Ok gore inspired this one so blame it all on him
    I was reading his 'Oh my God I'm so bored' posts and thought how the same thing was true for me so i decided to follow suit and see if wrting for the boards really can eliviate the boredom at least temporarily....

    But its no use just sitting down to write any old thing you got to find a niche - something that is not only going to be an intresting read but also make a valuable difference to someones life......it is this that really stumped me. What could I write about that would help my fellow AOers? What topic hadn't been covered but needed addressing then in a bolt of inspiration it hit..well ok it was actually MicroBurn in IRC
    who would thing one little casual remark could set me off scribling away in notepad but it has (well that and alot of boredom)

    * MB[CANADA] goes out to look for chicks.
    so here it is something that every true geek needs....

    A guide to women

    - Now unlike the common myth these elusive creatures do actualy exsist outside of porno movies. But you do normally have to step outside of your front door to meet one.

    Now I know this is a challange in itself, how will you find a cable long enough to bring your mouse with you?? Well the easy answer to that one is you dont! I know its a distressing thought and perhaps those among you with weak hearts should not read on but its true. In order to meet people of the opposite sex you will have to leave your computer.
    I could spend pages writing about how you might accomplish this feat - perhaps starting with some meditation to prepare your mind for its voyage out of cyberspace. But this is not what this post is about so I will leave that for another day.....those of you who do manage to drag yourselves away there is a few things you must do before you step out your front door to meet the soon to be 'Mrs Dot Com'


    - This area can be a little lacking sometimes due to the unthoughtfullness of computer companys. WHat would be so hard about inventing a waterproof pc that could be used in the shower? But dont fear there is another solution - deoderant!! Some people think that this should only be used to fragrance yourself not to cover other odours...now this maybe true for women but have you ever noticed the differnece in strength between Woman's deoderant and mens?? Mens is like 10xstronger! Obviously made to cover all unpleasent odours....so just spray yourself liberaly with it and you'll be fine - same goes for aftershave. Why not show as well that you are a true 'hip dude' by letting the ladies know that you keep up with all current trends including those which revolve around aftershave by applying 4 or 5 of the top brands ....if one smells good 6 must smell amazing!!


    - If quized what do you think alot of women put at the top of their list when asked what is one of the first things they notice about a man?? No its not processor speed or the size of his.......harddrive but his hair, i know weird people a mans answer is far more predictable ask a man what he notices first in a woman and he's gauranteed to say Teeth! But as you'll see woman are strange creatures.
    Ok so better get the hair sorted - never having ventured outside of your room since the advent of IRC it is unlikly that you have any hair grooming products in your house. Do not fear however as your body provides. Just avoid the shower for a couple of days (this might mean showering more frequently for some) and your hair should build up a nice amount of styling grease! All you got to do now is style it - if no comb is handy just use an old block of RAM with some notches cut into the bottom, it'll work fine!
    The one style which will always drive woman crazy is the bowl cut - just look at Bill Gates if its good enough for the richest man i the world.....


    - I know that the T-shirt you are currently wearing is prolly good for another couple of days (a week or more if you havn't alredy turned it inside out) but for some reason girls dont want to be able to tell what you had to eat for dinner each night this week just by examing the different stains on your top. But dont dispair as this is the perfect arena to display to the world how l337 you are...just think of your body as a walking canvas.
    You can't go wrong with one of the classis techie t-shirts some examples might include

    c:/dos c:/dos run run dos run
    there are 10 types of people in this world. Those who know binary and those who dont
    These t-shirts will not only show any girl that you are the technical equvilant to Hercules but also that you do have a witty/fun side.
    but just incase make sure that you explain the meanig of the t-shirt in every minute detail to any girl who appears to be glancing at it. It is not fair that they should be kept from enjoying the joke just because they are not computer literate. Plus this is a sure fire way to break the ice and earn yourself some relation ap's in the process

    ok we're almost ready to go all we got to do now is decide where to go to meet some girls to impress with your looks and taste in clothing. One of the most common places to go to meet girls is night clubs...you'll notice that if you rearrange the letters (and squint alot) it actually spells out 'drink fueled mating ground' These places should be easy enough to find just follow the trail of empty bear cans and vomit and you'll be there in no time. So what to expect to find inside? Lets put it in easy to understand terms. Imagine being inside of winamp3 with the worst visulation on and the volume at max. Mix in some scenes from the softcore p0rn you downloaded along with the out-takes from a few episodes of Jackass and you got a rough approximation.

    so now your inside - your looking cool, your starting to get over the withdraw symptons from beinb unable to check your email in the last 30secs all you need now is a girl.

    Chat up lines

    - This I am afraid is the one place were p0rn has seriously let you down. Unlike the films girls dont just jump into bed with the first man they see. I know the world would be a much better place if they did but this is the real world not 'Horney Hot Honeys Hump Hungry'
    In the real world you got to at least buy them a drink first, maybe even learn their first name before they'll nop in the sack (or behind the dumpster round the back) with you!

    So how to get a conversation started?
    well there are some lines which will help you get in there. Think of it as cracking a password - you need the right one to get in but if you dont know it you can just keep trying & trying & trying different ones until you happen upon the correct ones. Girls love to be bombarded with witty pick up lines. You could try some that highlight your near god like geekness as well, like ::

    Want to back up onto my floppy?
    Take that firewall off and I'll root your box
    or for those female geeks amongst us (trying to secure a male)
    Is that a portable USB drive in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
    ok so you got her hooked with your opening line(s) now go in for the kill
    sweep her off her feet by telling her (in depth) about your many achievments like how you hand coded a replacment for windows XP (remember to go through the code step-by-step as well) or how every fri night you take apart your 4 pcs and 2 laptops then time yourslef putting them back together (dont foget to mention your current winning time of 39secs)
    these will be sure to impress her and keep her intrested now move into for the kill by dazling her with some of your specs - tis would also be a perfect time to inject more of that winning wit

    I've got a 120gb harddrive
    I once had 3 days uptime
    All my slots are filled with the most hightech devices
    ok things are going great you've met a girl shes responded well to your advances (remember a restraing order is just a womans way of saying I love you) and your taking her home. Now if getting a cab make sure that yours is the first house on the stop that way you can invite her in and while she is 'freshing up' (this requires something similar to the last time you repainted the kitchen but with alot more brushes) you can hop on quickly and check your mails just to calm your nerves for the next part.

    Getting the cab to go to your house first also has an extra benefit - if she decides she does not want to come in you can get out at your house safe in the knowledge that although you spent $12 on drinks for her the biatch will have to fork out at least $30 for the cab ride!!

    But hopefully that shouldn't be the case and she should come up.

    Setting the Scene

    - Girls love romantic things like mood music and dimmed lighting. And what better to provide these than your pc? Open up winamp blow the dust of the folder of mp3's your wee sister d/l from napster and angle the monitor so that it casts a nice soothing glow over the room. This also has the added bounce of giving you a valuable excuse for leaving your computer running so that you can set an audible alert for new email and set your webcam up to catch any footage of your new 'special friend' that you can share over kazza!

    Getting Jiggy

    - ok this should be one part were hopefully you should be able to cope with on your own. All those years of watchin p0rn on your computer can now come into their own. But I will give you a few tips ::

    • No-one knows how to please you like you so dont be scarred to tell or show your new partner how to please you. Just put on Anal lovers VII and be sure to zoom in on the good bits so she gets the msg
    • The same goes for your partner - no-one knows her body like she does.....so let her do it (this can also be video'd for later p2p sharring)
    • A good relationship should consist of plenty of laughter and sex, just try to avoid both at the same time.
    • Girls love to be talked dirty to tell her shes a dirty biatch who smells like a convention of welsh fish trawler sailors
    • Dressing up can really spice up your love life - nows the perfect time to bring out your trekkie uniforms. Really complete the role play by getting hr to shout "She can't take it captain..she doesn't have the power' while she fakes it.
    • The moisture in the damp spot is good for the skin and you know how girls are always try to make their skin softer so make sure she gets to sleep in the damp spot. She may persist at first but this is just her being polite, ignore her fake pleas and make sure she is the one to sleep in it or she will never forgive you.
    • Show how good it was by going straight to sleep afterwards. You want to show her that you really enjoyed it by showing how tired you are (you can empthasise this more by sleeping on your back and snorring loudly to show you are in a very deep sleep)

    ONe thing to remember tho is that women are like AOL7 once installed they're almost impossible to get rid off. And if you do decide to keep her around you can kiss good bye to that 21" plasma monitor you had your eye on.
    An easy way to think of this is in terms of a computer virus

    Computer = Bank
    Money = resources
    WOman = Virus

    Once the virus gets into your computer it keeps using up more & more resources until your computer has none left and finally freezes before locking you out.

    heh well hope you enjoyed think this might be longest post ever - congrats if you actually read the whole thing! And if you didn't shame shame


  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    oh damn damn damnnn this was like a 10 minute reading time but it was all woth it .... thank you valhallen for the BEST humor thread ever ...this should be without any thought made an Sticky for the Humor Forum ..... man still laughing.....

  3. #3
    Developer Extraordinar
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Hahahaha, that was the funniest thing ever. Two funny posts in opne day, your on a roll v_Ln ... and since I inspired that post, maybe I will use some of the advice.

    Nah, I'm sexy enough.

    Come to UnError.com

  4. #4
    Doc d00dz Attackin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Make sticky, make sticky!!!!! Lol hope this stays around for a long time.

    First you listen, then you do, finally you teach.
    Duck Hunting Chat

  5. #5
    BS, EnCE, ACE, Cellebrite 11001001's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Just West of Beantown, though nobody from Beantown actually calls it "Beantown."

    Shouldn't this be in Tutorials?
    That's Officer 11001001 to you...
    Now you see me | Now you don't
    "Relax, Bender; It was just a dream. There's no such thing as two." ~ Fry
    sometimes my computer goes down on me

  6. #6
    AO Veteran NeuTron's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2003

    tell her shes a dirty biatch who smells like a convention of welsh fish trawler sailors
    I almost pissed my pants and just about fell out of my chair at work..........and yes this does belong in the tutorial forum...thanks for the laugh.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    THIS IS THE SH**. Man, I nearly died. Thanx, I needed that.
    \"The wise programmer is told about Tao and follows it. The average programmer is told about Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer is told about Tao and laughs at it.
    If it were not for laughter, there would be no Tao.\"

  8. #8
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    ONe thing to remember tho is that women are like AOL7 once installed they're almost impossible to get rid off. And if you do decide to keep her around you can kiss good bye to that 21" plasma monitor you had your eye on.
    So true....! Awesome thread!

  9. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Ahhh seeen this one a year and a half ago in rotten and in a magazine.

    Anyhow it's still funny, love the bit about the night club thoe, that seem's to always make me chuckle..

    Cheers Val

  10. #10
    Flash M0nkey
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Ahhh seeen this one a year and a half ago in rotten and in a magazine.
    I would love to know where you saw it - as I only wrote it like a few months ago(!?) Heh and is easy to tell me writing style - as am sure anyone who has read some of my posts will agree so am hoping you aint accusing me of plagerising :P


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