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July 10th, 2003, 03:56 PM
#31
Some Of The People Who Might Show Up
The Invisible Man: This guy can’t see anyone on the network. Maybe someone else can find him, maybe not. Sometimes he is the victim of faulty hardware, but more often he is a victim of his own stubborn nature, refusing to configure all the settings he was told to change. More often than not, he hasn’t even plugged himself into the hub yet. Characteristics: Asks everyone in the room to see if they can find his computer on the network. Will consult registry settings, star charts, and tealeaves, and everyone else’s configuration prior to checking to see if all the cables are plugged in.
· Version 1.0: Since this guy purchased his computer a year and a half ago, he has managed to get by without downloading one patch for any of his games, or any updated drivers for his devices. He has never even heard of Windows Update. While the effects of running Tribes 2 on Nvidia 1.3 reference drivers are amusing, and a little trippy, one wonders how he plays any games released since the Reagan Administration on such an outdated set-up. Characteristics: A variety of visual errors, random crashing. (Note, this particular lurker always owns a broadband connection, destroying the only valid excuse for not keeping a machine current.)
· Red-Beard and Peg-Leg: These two guys each have several Gigabyte collections of mp3’s/pr0n/warez/movies, and proceed to consume all the network’s bandwidth by sharing and transferring these treasures between each other. Characteristics: On any network through anything less than a switch, everyone’s pings approach the high 400’s. Do not take any files from them that have not been thoroughly scanned.
· The Re-Installer: For whatever reason, this guy needs to re-install Windows. Perhaps he was a victim of a Serially Transferable Disease from a bad porn viewer from the pirates. Maybe he was trying out a beta of XP, or even had Real Player installed. No one can ever predict these things, they just happen. Characteristics: Spends most of the night watching progress meters and installing everything else on top. Under no circumstances will he possess a valid product key for his particular version of Windows.
· 10fps: This guy’s machine was cutting edge, but its not 1998 anymore, and the system requirements have changed. You know you are in bad shape if you are grateful for a loaner TNT card. Characteristics: Grateful for anything that can help him increase his frame-rate or resolution. After LAN party has overwhelming urge to buy a new machine.
· The Loaner: How anyone comes to a LAN party without bringing a computer, I don’t know. Nevertheless, he is here, and needs help if he is going to enjoy himself. However, in a large enough groups there is usually someone extreme enough to bring two computers, just in case. Characteristics: Needs to learn all games from scratch. Has no concept of mouse look, or any knowledge of the games.
· The Audiophile: He claims he forgot his headphones, but we all know he won’t play without his sub-woofer. Characteristics: Every sound in every game can be heard from his direction louder than anyone’s headphones will allow.
· Mr. Time-zone: Everyone else has progressed onto 3 more games since that last round of CS, yet he is running around in circles wondering where everyone is hiding. Characteristics: Usually positioned in such a way that he cannot see anyone. His headphones blot out all outside sound, except for the Audiophile’s.
· Mister Angry: Upon dying, missing a power up, missing a single shot, getting hit with a shot, hearing any sound or thinking of kittens, Mister Angry will put his hands under the desk and launch it into orbit around Neptune. Headphones can often be found embedded 4 feet into walls. He then proceeds to blame his every shortcoming on every other member of his team, his computer, economic conditions in Bolivia and Orville Redenbacher. Characteristics: Every piece of computer equipment is held together by duct tape. Has not blinked in 10 years. Veins on forehead large enough to ski down.
· Sailor with Tourettes: From arriving until leaving, utters one long stream of profanity that would make T_S_M blush. Often hilarious due to the creation of new insults in his ramblings. Is often mistaken as a Mister Angry, but the complete lack of any physical action is a revealing factor. Characteristics: Short hair, most likely drives an import, often riced. Is probably good at the game being played, and thinks this entitles him to shout profanity at the top of his lungs for 20 hours straight.
· The B.O. King: While being an introvert isn't a bad thing, His Highness has forgotten that not bathing IS. A Pigpenesque trail of dust, debris and hobos follows in his wake. Can often be smelled 5 blocks down the road. Characteristics: Indeterminate race, age or sex. Has magical power to repel anyone sitting nearby.
· Sir Smoke A Lot: Suggests everyone stop playing to go smoke a phat blunt every 15 minutes. After smoking, returns to complain about being to high to play, and goes to sleep (or smokes some more).
· Mac user whose friends are going to the LAN but doesn't have a PC: Mac user's friends are all LAN party patrons with PC's. Since he has no other friends, he must hang out at the LAN party but alas, without a PC. In order to fit this description, he must look over your shoulder and watch you play counterstrike as he delves out witticisms and Macintosh comparisons. Frequently asks to play; however is not familiar with the "PC" interface, and insults your computer after dying a few times.
· L33ty McLeet: Will come to party with his full tower and noisy water-cooling system. Spends most of their time browsing HardOCP and SharkyExtreme. Has the latest and greatest hardware, brags about their frame rate, yet is surprisingly bad at every game. May come to LAN party with only Linux installed.
· Senator Cinema: This intriguing individual goes through the trouble of moving all their computer equipment (including their surround sound speakers) to a LAN party and all they do is watch DVDs. They also lose points for only watching stupid (usually war or Wild Things-esque titty) movies and anime.
· AWPenis licker: This lowlife mother****er only uses the cheapest guns in every game. They also have a Rainman like knowledge of every cheap camping spot in every level of every FPS. Their first mistake is using the AWP in the same room as me and their second is not saying their prayers before I strangle their worthless soul right out of their body.
· Mr. One Game: Has a huge collection of games, but claims to have beaten them all and that they all suck. He refuses to play anything but one certain game (usually CS). And will resort to playing by himself while the rest of the people play another game, thus defeating the entire premise behind a LAN party.
· Mr. Small Bladder: Gets up every 15 ****ing minutes for a piss break. Goddamn this guy's got a bladder the size of a peanut.
· Mr. N00b!: Shows up at the LAN party with his computer and then has no clue what to do. "How do I plug in my keyboard?" "How do I connect to the LAN?" etc. Mr. N00b is your classic computer illiterate and many of the other lurkers must spend half the night setting him up.
· The Upgrader: Comes to the party with a half-built or outdated system and a bag of hardware he bought at the local Fry's 5 minutes ago. The rest of his night is spent trying to figure out why the machine won't POST.
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July 10th, 2003, 05:36 PM
#32
Those are great. I didnt know you Brits had them over there too  .LOL
-Maestr0
\"If computers are to become smart enough to design their own successors, initiating a process that will lead to God-like omniscience after a number of ever swifter passages from one generation of computers to the next, someone is going to have to write the software that gets the process going, and humans have given absolutely no evidence of being able to write such software.\" -Jaron Lanier
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July 10th, 2003, 05:49 PM
#33
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July 10th, 2003, 06:05 PM
#34
ok well am def up for this ::
there is talk as well of meeting up f2f to discuss this and have a pint or 2....
this is a major thing, is just a way of talking it over and trying to get a suitable game plan organised.....if anyone else in the Glasgow area wants to join us for a couple please pm myself or mark_boyle asap
-- heh just a couple of things from me.....someone pls pls pls bring CS - retail version of possible 
formatted pc only to discover my cd is ****0red >_<
still have original cd key tho so thats not a prob but i need to play CS!!!!
thanks in advance
v_Ln
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July 11th, 2003, 03:22 PM
#35
Wrote some letters re: this today and asked some nice big companies what toys we can have demonstrated on the actual day/week
I reckon were looking at september/october some time for this.
So far NEC have volunteered some LAN/WAN equipment and the possibility of a visiting speaker.
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July 11th, 2003, 03:51 PM
#36
Love to be there. Once the dates are finalised I'd like to know. If I can't be there in person, I'll be there in spirit.
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July 11th, 2003, 04:07 PM
#37
Hey, do you think USAir takes antipoints?
Above ground, vertical, and exchanging gasses.
Now you see me | Now you don't
"Relax, Bender; It was just a dream. There's no such thing as two." ~ Fry
sometimes my computer goes down on me
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July 11th, 2003, 04:40 PM
#38
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July 11th, 2003, 05:20 PM
#39
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July 11th, 2003, 06:41 PM
#40
I just got my webcam  (now i"m doing the cabbagepatch dance )stocking up on jackie d if i get drunk enough just might swim across the ocean  lol
I had to google 'jfgi' to see what it meant. The irony is overwhelming.
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