September 13th, 2003, 02:45 AM
The Bastard Sys Admin From Michigan # 11 !!!!!
It's done. have fun, let me know what you all think as usual ok? Without further stalling, here it is:
The Bastard sys admin from Michigan # 11 !!!!
BASTARD SYSTEM ADMIN FROM MICHIGAN
Written entirely by: gore.
Lusers, LARTS, and liquid Morphine. A happy bastard is a productive bastard.
The bastard is back, with a BMW and a pissed off attitude. Night of the Living Lusers is upon us.
Run for your life or he might just tap your wife!!!! It’s the bastard called gore!
7:00 AM: I woke up early to the phone ringing. The night shift needed to use the network today but after me pulling plugs on routers they seem to be having trouble. Amazing how someone can claim to be a computer power user but not realize a router is not responding and has no lights on.
I get out of bed and figure “what the hell, if I have to wake up early so does Aeallison” so I call him up and hear a long “Who the **** is calling this early?!” into the phone. I tell him about it and get the pissed off response I expected.
The boss paid for my connection to my house and even though he no longer works for the company, he is still married, and I still have pictures of him with another man and another woman. I leave the house and start driving to work and get cut off by a cop on the free way.
I get to work and tell Aeallison about the cop, we decide the usual should work. We have his phone tapped and then mail everything to his wife. He letting a prostitute go free for a blow job should make good conversation over dinner tonight at his house.
I walk in and tell the new boss I found the problem but I need some new hardware to fix it. He writes a check out to “bastard parts inc.” and I go cash my new bonus of $300,000.
I get back into the office and notice someone seems to be looking for a lamer way into MY ****ing network! I log everything and trace the lamer. I send him a few messages playing with him before going in for the kill.
His Windows box is added to the chart-o-destruction of mine and he might be wondering how software could start a box on fire. Well, when you code your own tools and use something to make an IDE HD spin at about 100,000,000,000,000 RPMs until it dies, it does get hot.
10:00 AM: I’m bored as hell. Aeallison and I decide to have a contest of who can piss off more lusers than the other. I start by limiting downloads to 1KB and then crash every machine in the 3rd floor.
200 phone calls later Aeallison decides to take his turn. He writes up a script and adds it to the database server. Everyone who logs in has there real earnings sent to the IRS by e-mail, and a message pops up telling them about the whole thing. Sneaky bastard, I trained him well.
Not to be outdone, I e-mail the IRS Aeallison’s real earnings. You don’t **** with gore. He looks pretty pissed off. Oh well. He will get over it. We decide to go on AntiOnline.com and see how things are going.
I show Aeallison how a bastard on the top ten AP earning list has started a lot of **** about me and tried making me seem like a moron, and accusing me of having multiple accounts. Like someone who can come up with these amusing stories needs ****ing two accounts. We laugh to ourselves knowing full well a commie running Windows 9X doesn’t need an opinion, he’s TOLD his opinion.
We decide to get some coffee, so I get up to make some, and just then, everything goes black. I look around and Aeallison didn’t do it. He is shocked as well as I. The CEO runs in and tells us that there was a black out and asks what to do. I say nothing seeing as how we have enough generators and UPS units to run this damn country. I sit down as the UPS kicks on and we have power again. Hmm, I do believe that someone in accounts said something naughty earlier.
I pull the UPS on that department and walk over, grabbing all RAM and HDs in every computer on the floor. They of course are in there cars flipping out and smoking so I get away with it easy.
I give Aeallison half and decide to not “play” with the server at his house. He thanks me for the thought and we walk around the building watching the anarchy. People are running around and screaming because they think food spoils in a freezer in 11 seconds.
It’s funny though! I put in my Misfits CD and hit play at about the same time the boss walks up asking me what it is that we can do about this, about what I ask. He thinks that because we are in the computing profession that we can fix black outs. Oh good, he really IS that dumb.
I unplug the “database” server that really holds all my games I don’t feel like paying for and my machines in the room as Aeallison does the same. The boss asks why we do it and I make something up about electro magnetism and he buys it.
He asks me about him doing the same and I say “No don’t worry about it, just make sure to put a wire in your mouth so when the power comes back on you’ll know first and be able to tell us”.
He does it… I rig a camera in his room so I don’t miss it, and have something to show at the “Bastard admins get trashed” party held yearly.
I notice that http://www.homestarrunner.com hasn’t been updated in about 2 weeks and get mad. A few minutes later there is finally a damned update.
The one cartoon I watch this much needs to update more. I notice that when I went back there were a lot of updates so I decide to unplug every connection but mine and the CEO’s. As long as he can look at porn he doesn’t give a **** about anyone else so we are safe.
I unplug the phone and start watching strong bad! Oh these are great. I erase all the back ups from the last 3 months and put these on there instead.
2:00 PM: Well, I’m done watching cartoons, time to check Antionline.com again. Oh wow, negative and Melissa are now married!
CONGRADULATIONS NEGATIVE AND MELISSA!!! THIS BASTARD STORY IS DEDICATED TO YOU BOTH IN HOPES THAT YOU WILL BOTH BE HAPPY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES…LONG LONG LONG LIVES. HAHA NEG YOU’RE AN AMERICAN NOW.
Coming in the next bastard admin from Michigan story:
Will our hackin’ hero find another way to torment lusers? Will he continue being a ****ing con artist? OF COURSE HE ****ING WILL!!!! STAY TUNED!! Until next time; enjoy everyone.
September 13th, 2003, 05:31 AM
Well, I got to say that was cool. Great write and funny too. Funny how people see their bosses. Oh, I had a HD fry on me about 3 months ago, that wasn't you, was it?
September 13th, 2003, 05:54 AM
Did you try gettin in my network?
September 13th, 2003, 04:52 PM
September 13th, 2003, 08:00 PM
September 13th, 2003, 09:09 PM
No that's not my style. But burning a hd sounds like a good little trap. Wouldn't mind learning it myself.
September 15th, 2003, 03:06 AM
The guy downstairs just fried his power supply somehow.....they work well for baseball and stress relief. His only comment was "mommy and daddy'll be sendin me some money later this week ". Just thought I'd throw that out there..... The really interesting part was seeing how *many* little parts that thing can break down into....and so many wires. Anyway, you're awesome, Gore. Every single one of these is awesome! They're just filled with great ideas to try out in the dorm! I'll PM you with some of the results .
September 15th, 2003, 08:17 AM
Welcome back ya bastard
Thanx for another great laugh. Keep it up dude
Ubuntu-: Means in African : "Im too dumb to use Slackware"
September 15th, 2003, 06:52 PM
thanks guys. At first I didnt think this one was going to be good enough but I'm glad it is. Keez, dont get in trouble. Member, they are just stories I make up as I'm typing and nothing more. Even though I cant tell you not to do it because well, heh, I'v done about half of it, just not at work.
September 15th, 2003, 07:22 PM
Funny shite guys, this is the first one I have read of these since I am new to the site but it is nice to see a new spin on the classic BOFH series.