Things Noted On REAL Resumes
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Thread: Things Noted On REAL Resumes

  1. #1
    AO's Fluffy Bunny cdkj's Avatar
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    Things Noted On REAL Resumes

    This is funny enjoy!!!!

    Things Noted On REAL Resumes

    REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
    - Responsibility makes me nervous.
    - They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45
    every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
    - Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as
    well as cockroaches.
    - I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
    - The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three
    previous employers.

    JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
    - While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am
    decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least
    partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and
    that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application
    of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere
    of responsibility.
    - I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

    SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
    - Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my
    employer does not know I am looking for another job.
    - My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training
    in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
    - I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

    PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
    - Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

    PERSONAL INTERESTS:
    - Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

    SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
    - Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
    - Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse. -
    Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget. - I'm a
    rabid typist. - Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a
    Midwest chain operation.
    I had to google 'jfgi' to see what it meant. The irony is overwhelming.

  2. #2
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    You might also like this one on bbspot http://www.bbspot.com/News/2002/06/resume.html
    Old(ish) but still funny

  3. #3
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    heheh once again gratw work...


    Nightfalls_Girl

  4. #4
    THE Bastard Sys***** dinowuff's Avatar
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    I didn't fill out my profile, so I guess I can just post my Real Resume here:

    Objective:
    My ideal position would be one that paid a ton of money. Working with non idiots is a huge plus but not a requirement. Coworkers and management should understand that when I tell them there idea/solution is the dumbest thing i've ever heard that they should not take it personally.

    Summary:
    Basically I'm the BOMB. If it has wires and electricity I'm the man. If there's a keyboard attached back up - cuz I'm the man.

    Operating systems:
    Linux, HP-UX, Sun OS/Solaris, Cisco IOS, Palm OS, Win32 and some others that I probably forgot. Pick one, I've probably used it.

    Program Languages:
    I have never touched COBOL, Fortran, PI1, RPG basically anything that anyone under 40 has touched.

    Databases:
    Microsoft SQL Server (6.5 - 2000) Oracle, Sybase, PostgreSQL, MySQL

    Other Technologies:
    XML / XSL / XML:FO, CSS, HTML, EDI, COM, MFC, ATL, CGI, MGD, LSD, THC. I got more TLA's in my back pocket than is necessary.

    Work History:
    Current job title unknown
    Description:
    Forced to learn how to tie a tie with a hangover because of this job. Generally point out screwed up things and way to unscrew them. Then write instructions on how to unscrew and put the instructions into the hands of people that shoud not be given administrative rights on a Palm Pilot. I now believe I am qualified to train apes to do complicated tasks.

    Other Job Descriptions
    Application Developer / Programming B****
    Independent Contractor (working as needed for wireless ISP Don't do much with that anymore but looks great on a resume)
    Developer / System Administrator / Office Drunk (developed an insane ability to drink at lunch. I'm a much better person because of it. duties included development, installation, configuration, and maintenance of:
    EVERY THING IN THE OFFICE!
    No really - Every thing in the office.

  5. #5
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    ok then. does that also incluse the cleaning o the offices barthrooms?? especially the toilets??


    Nightfalls_Girl

  6. #6
    Disgruntled Postal Worker fourdc's Avatar
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    It does for me. At my plant my job description is taking care of computers, networks and electronic machines. I'm attached to "maintenance" so I get to attempt repairs to air conditioners, loading dock levellers, boilers and fork lift trucks. You can make really big sparks with 440 volts AC 3 phase.
    ddddc

    "Somehow saying I told you so just doesn't cover it" Will Smith in I, Robot

  7. #7
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    sounds like fun...


    Nightfalls_Girl

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