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    Some good Tech humor

    Ok, at first I had just "OS Wars" on here, but I have been fnidnig more. So instead of posting like a true uber post whore, I'm just editing this and adding more. Check back Often I may add even more! ecause well, I'm off, have nothing to do, and I'v been doing nothing but sitting here updating my Slackware install to get ready to be an MP3 server.

    I'll add stuff here as I find it.

    In other news:

    Steve the croc hunter pisses off some aussie family groups because his 1 month old baby was within 5 feet of a croc. I think him being in trouble is a croc myself. He's a professional with this ****, and the people that are outraged prolly know little or nothing about the animals. You can download video of it, and read the story HERE

    Enjoy, I did

    The OS Wars Trilogy

    A long time ago, in a galaxy not unlike this one, the microprocessor was invented. There was much rejoicing over this discovery. No longer must computers be controlled by a mystic priest-hood. Computers can be used by all as useful tools!

    The Knights of Hackerdom, hereafter referred to as Hackers, used and developed and promoted and in general considered this new breed of computer a Good Thing. These magical devices could lead to wonders never before seen in the galaxy. So these Hackers, a strange group to begin with, devoted their lives to the development of this technology.

    For a while peace and prosperity filled the galaxy. This was the age of Apple II's and Commodore 64's, Atari's and TRS-80's. A renewed sense of learning and cooperation-operation filled all the lands. There was comfort in knowing that for all the programs being used the source was flowing freely. When one had the source code, happiness and well-being flowed. Unfortunately during this time there was a rumbling in the source. One of the first systems, the Altair system, had a BASIC interpreter crafted by a young Hacker named Bill. Bill, however, did not want the source of his creation flowing freely. He enjoyed subverting the source for his own purposes, mainly for monetary benefit. The use of proprietary code is the dark side of the source. This new age of joy and prosperity had to come to an end sooner or later. An old Imperial Power, IBM, decided to try to control this new way of life. It released its PC, thus beginning the clone wars. With IBM clones flooding the market, backed by the old Empire, up-starts had little chance. The ix86 architecture was enforced. This was a chaotic time, and IBM made one mistake. Needing an Operating System to be the life-source of their new product, IBM chose young Bill to obtain one.

    About this time the dark side of the source became too much and young Hacker Bill became Darth Gates. Obtaining an inferior 8-bit OS, he made this the mainstay of the IBM world. In just a few short years Darth Gates controlled the OS, managing to leave the old Imperial IBM far behind. While Gates could have used his powers for good, instead he chose to strive for evil. While all this was happening, rebel groups attempted to bring down the evil stronghold. Apple, Amiga, and Unix factions fought valiantly, as did some direct competitors in Darth Gates' market. Alas, to no avail. And as the evil OS moved from version 1.0 through version 6.0 the future looked dim. To make matters worse, Darth Gates hatched a sinister plan to counter-act the minimal success of the rebels - steal their technology. Thus the DeathOS was devised. The first half-working version was DeathOS3.1, and it could destroy the usefulness of even the most powerful 386. While the rebels learned to fight off this beast, the new DeathOS's, 95 and NT were developed that could even bring down mighty Pentium systems. The future looks grim, can no one stop this plague?

    Unbeknownst to Darth Gates, on the planet Finlandia a young Hacker named Linus has a vision. He decided that a 386 could be made to do something useful after all. And out of this vision came Linux! Drawing from the mystic Unix religion, this new OS was developed. Strong in the free side of the source, Linux only grew more and more powerful every day. Improved by Hackers throughout the galaxy, and aided by strong flightless waterfowl the OS became a major fighting tool of the rebels. Hackers, which had been a dying breed, rallied behind Linux and the GNU project. All is not lost! The galaxy chafing under Darth Gates will rise again! The battle has begin! Who will win?

    To find out, watch for the upcoming OS Wars Trilogy, appearing soon in a theater near you.

    And, as always, may the Source be with you


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "I wrote this today, frustrated as usual with the idiots in Redmond sorry for any inaccuracies in the parallel; I only have knowledge of the second trilogy; the rest is second hand from my girlfriend who has read all the books. Apologies to George Lucas." -- Vince Weaver
    "The myth that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armor to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led them into it in the first place, and continues to do so today." -- Douglas Adams
    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    Tech Support Made Easy
    In these days of down sizing, corporate headquarters has defined a cost-cutting method that also addresses the Y2K (Year 2000) issue:

    The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are several sound reasons for doing this:

    No Y2K problems
    No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
    No more wasted time reading and writing e-mails.
    And it will allow us to simplify requests for tech support as seen below.
    Thank you.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk
    Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. What do I do?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

    Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

    Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

    Q: How do I create a New Document window?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

    Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

    Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

    Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

    Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
    A: Don't shake it.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    This memo was passed on to me by Thomas J. Walker, Entomologist TechNerdologist
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    A scary thought for us fat people:

    Experts Warn Of Threat From 100 GB Bug

    Firebringer News Service (FBNS) - Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100 GB Bug. As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100 GB. McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two decimal places.

    This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will convince the public (a group reknown for its short memory) that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products. The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. Which will result in hundreds of thousands of workers losing their jobs. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetle grubs.

    "The people who know the signmakers are really scared of 100 GB," one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of The Field Guide To North American Insects and heading for the hills."


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    This was forwarded to me by Jane Medley, a computer graphics artist in the Entomology and Nematolgy Department at UF, who never eats any of the food the entomologists bring in and leave up front for the departmental staff.
    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Sweeping Up

    An unemployed man went to apply for a job with Microsoft as a cleaner. The manager there arranges for an aptitude test (Section: Floors, Sweeping).

    After the test, the manager says: "You will be appointed on the scale of $30 per day. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and advise you where to report for work on your first day. "

    Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies: "Well, then, that really means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

    Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and only having about $10 left, he decides to buy a 10kg box of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than two hours, he sells the tomatoes singly at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

    And thus it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up earlier and earlier every day and going to bed later and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short time.

    Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly afterwards on a pick-up truck. By the end of the first year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of several hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

    Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Calling an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order that he might forward the documentation.

    When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned: "What, you don't even have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would have been by now, if you had been connected from the very start!"

    After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied: "Sure! I would have been a cleaner at Microsoft!"
    Morals of this story:

    The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
    Get e-mail, if you want to be a cleaner at Microsoft.
    If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
    Seeing that you are reading this story on the Internet, you are probably closer to becoming a cleaner than you are to becoming a millionaire.
    If you do have a computer and e-mail, you're already being taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Blue Iceberg (Screen) of Death
    When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

    One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

    "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

    "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here.

    I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."

    "Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.

    "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

    Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

    Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?"

    "Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Passed on to us by Jerry Arzdorf who is hard at work on his new Titanic Operating System.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Southern Edition of Windows 2000
    Dear Consumers:
    It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Windows 2000, Southern Edition may have accidentally been shipped outside the South. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The Southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: Winders 2000, with a background picture of General Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazard screen saver.

    Please also note:


    The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"

    My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"

    Dialup Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"

    Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"

    Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"

    Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"

    Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and roll of duct tape" pops up.
    Changes in Terminology in Southern Edition:

    OK........................ats aw-right

    Cancel....................stopdat

    Reset.....................try er agin

    Yes.......................yep

    No........................noop

    Find......................hunt fer it

    Go to.....................over yonder

    Back......................back yonder

    Help......................hep me out here

    Stop......................kwitit

    Start.....................crank er up

    Settings..................settins

    Programs..................stuff at duz stuff

    Documents.................stuff ah done did
    Also note that Southern Edition does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

    Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 2000:

    Tiperiter.................A word processing program

    colerin book..............a graphics program

    cyferin mersheen..........calculator

    outhouse paper............notepad

    iner-net..................Microsoft Explorer 4.0

    pichers...................A graphics viewer
    We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Southern Edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

    I hope this helps all y'all!

    Billy Bob Gates
    Head Honcho



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A public service announcement, shared with us by Jerry T. Arzdorf. The "T" stands for TechnoGeek.
    Computer Chip: Any starchy foodstuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.

    RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
    Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for our rats." (Today's Southern Word comes from a school teacher in America's southern most state: Hawaii. As part of her class' study of the "War of Northern Aggression" (known to Yankees at the "Civil War"), she showed her class the movie Gettysburg. The students wondered why the Confederacy was fighting for their "rats." The answer, of course, is obvious: Southerners have very friendly rats ... in fact, you could almost say that they have some downright civil rats.)

    CUSTOMER: "My computer crashed!"
    TECH SUPPORT: "It crashed?"
    CUSTOMER: "Yeah, and it won't let me play my game."
    TECH SUPPORT: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
    CUSTOMER: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed."
    TECH SUPPORT: "Huh?"
    CUSTOMER: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
    TECH SUPPORT: "Click on 'file', then 'New Game.'"
    CUSTOMER: (pause) "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    God - Your Universal Power Supply

    Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

    So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

    But ten minutes before their time was up, lightening suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the Electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

    Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

    Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

    God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


    Home on the Web
    (Sung to the tune of "Home on the Range")

    (verse)
    Oh give me a site
    where the links all work right --
    one that doesn't take too long to load --
    where the text can be seen
    on my 13-inch screen --
    one that offers a "no-Java" mode.
    (refrain)
    Home, home on the Web
    on my 486 IBM.
    Please take pity on me --
    I'm still on Netscape 3
    with a 14.4-speed modem!

    (verse)
    Though your video files
    give your pages some style
    I can't read them upon my PC;
    Massive graphics and sound
    crash my system, I've found,
    so please put in some "alt" tags for me!

    (refrain)
    Home, home on the Web
    on my 486 IBM
    Please take pity on me --
    I'm still on Netscape 3
    with a 14.4-speed modem!

    (verse)
    Please don't ask me to "chat"
    with your favorite cat;
    I don't have an IRC code.
    And don't ask me to buy
    games for Win 95 --
    My PC is way too darn old!

    (refrain)
    Home, home on the Web
    on my 486 IBM
    Please take pity on me --
    I'm still on Netscape 3
    with a 14.4-speed modem!

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Tech Support's Tech Support Problems
    A peek into the thoughts of computer techs worldwide, or an end user's guide to technical services.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    When a tech says he or she is coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 2700 network passwords.

    When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

    When tech support sends you an e-mail marked "Important," delete it at once. We're probably just testing out the public groups.

    When a tech is eating lunch at his or her desk, walk right in and spill your guts out and expect them to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers.

    When a tech is at the water cooler or outside enjoying a break, ask him or her a computer question. The only reason why we drink water or even walk away from our desks is to ferret out all those users who don't have e-mail or a telephone line.

    Send urgent e-mail ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

    When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he or she is out of town for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an e-mail straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.

    When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it, right?

    When you're getting a "no dial tone" message at home, call computer support. We can even fix telephone problems from here.

    When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a good mystery.

    When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting, read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to do anything, we just love to hear ourselves talk.

    When we offer training on the upcoming operating system upgrade, don't bother to attend. We'll be there to hold your hand after it is installed.

    When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason.

    When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.

    Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

    If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for you and all your coworkers. We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30 a.m. fixing them.

    When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat your lunch in his or her face. We function better when slightly dizzy.

    Don't ever thank us. We love this and we get paid for it!

    When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.

    If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.

    If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.

    When you get the message saying "Are you sure?", click on that "Yes" button as fast as you can. Heck, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

    Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer stuff". It makes us fell superior.

    When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear physics.

    When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

    When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that mail server.

    Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the queue.

    When you bump into a tech in the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, even while at the grocery store on weekends.

    If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. Call us at home when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out.

    When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back to playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much free time at the office. Everybody knows all we do is surf the Internet all day anyway.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I don't know who sent this to me, I couldn't decipher the mailing address. Perhaps it was a tech support person. You know how mysterious they are. Plus there's the fact that they have all that free time...
    "They said it couldn't be done, but that doesn't always work." - Yogi Berra

    User - The word that computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."

    Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
    Customer: "I don't have a 'P'".
    Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
    Customer: "What do you mean?"
    Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
    Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    A Microsoft Christmas
    'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
    Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
    The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
    As Papa did last minute Internet shopping.
    The stockings were hung by the modem with care,
    In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
    The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
    While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

    PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
    And Carmen SanDiego for Pamela Ann.
    The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
    To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com

    Which has now been re-routed to Washington State,
    Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
    All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle,
    To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

    After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
    St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
    With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
    And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way

    From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens,
    In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
    The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
    Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

    No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
    Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
    With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
    From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

    More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
    And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
    "Now, ADOBE! Now, CLARIS! Now, INTUIT! too,
    Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,


    It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
    It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
    Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
    And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

    Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
    And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
    To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
    Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

    And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
    Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
    When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
    The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,

    As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
    The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
    As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
    My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

    And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
    Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
    And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
    Have a Micro$oft Christmas, and to all a good night.




    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "If you don't know where you want to go, we'll make sure you get taken." -- Japanese translation of Microsoft's slogan
    The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

    If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

    "Data, data everywhere, but not one drop that helps you think." - Drew Harris

    "Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it." - Stephen Leacock
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Twas The Internet Night Before Christmas

    * *
    _/^\_
    < >
    * /.-.\ *
    * ` / & \` *
    ,@. *;@,
    /_o .I %_\ *
    * (`'-- (_@;
    /`;--.,__ `') *
    ;@`o % O ,*`'`&\
    * (`'--)_@ ;o %'()\ *
    /`;--._`'' --._ O'@;
    /&*, ()~o`;-.,_ `""`)
    * /`,@ ;+& () o*`;-';\
    (`""--.,_0 +% @' &()\
    /-.,_ ``''--.... -'`) *
    * /@ %; o` :;'--,.__ __.'\
    ;*,& (); @ % &^;~`" `o;@ (); *
    /(); o^~; & (). o@* &`;&% O\
    `"="==""==,,,.,="=="==="`
    __.----.(\---''#####---...___...-----._
    `"""""`


    'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
    There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
    The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
    In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
    The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
    While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
    My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
    We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

    When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
    I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
    To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
    Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

    I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
    Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
    When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
    My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

    When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
    I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
    More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
    Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

    "Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
    "On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
    "Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
    Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

    The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "RAM",
    Then into my room rose a full hologram!
    He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
    Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

    He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
    Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
    His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
    This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

    With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
    Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
    He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
    And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

    He defragged my hard drive, and added a "DIMM",
    Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
    He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
    He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

    He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
    Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
    My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
    As he added the latest version of Netscape.

    The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
    St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
    Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
    Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

    He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
    Back into the net with barely a blink.
    But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
    "Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"




    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Sent on to us by Rita Brenden, who is trying hard to become a California Girl.
    "Computers are incredibly versatile machines that can do everything from screw up your airplane reservation to cause an income tax blunder that gets you sentenced to a life term in a slimy walled federal prison so utterly desolate that the inmates pay rodents for sex!" - David Barry

    "You Want It, We Had It." - sign on a Japanese electronics shop

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    Five Reasons Why Computers Must Be Male
    They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.

    They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection.

    They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.

    They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an underpowered system.

    They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Five Reasons Why Computers Must Be Female
    No one but their creator understands their logic.

    Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

    The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

    The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

    As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    Kill the lights, let the candles burn behind the pumpkins’ mischievous grins, and let the skeletons dance. For one thing is certain, The Misfits have returned and once again everyday is Halloween.The Misfits FreeBSD
    Cannibal Holocaust
    SuSE Linux
    Slackware Linux

  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Posts
    100
    As for the steve irwin thing, i agree completely with you. I mean if i was near a croc ready to snap, he would be the only one i want next to me!

    As for another little joke:

    If cars ran windows

    *The car would stop all of a sudden for no reason and need to be restarted.
    *You would need to press the start button to turn the car off
    *every week you would need to get the security alarm to prevent easy theft of the car
    *every year the car would be obsolete and would not run the new fuels meant for the new models

    Modderfokker

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    Posts
    346
    Oh, my...
    I'm speechless.

    SSJVegeta-Sei


    Pierce me with steel, rend me with claw and fang; as I die, a legend is born for another generation to follow.
    An\' it harm none, do as ye will. - Wiccan Rede

  4. #4
    Banned
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Posts
    210
    Originally posted here by Modderfokker
    As for the steve irwin thing, i agree completely with you. I mean if i was near a croc ready to snap, he would be the only one i want next to me!
    Steve Irwins stupidity makes him more dangerous than any crocodile. I dont really care about the whole child-crocodile love triangle thing, but IMO he is a complete and utter embarrasment to this country [Australia].

    Nice thread also; but wont you be restricted from adding new things to it after 1440 minutes of posting?

  5. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    Posts
    346
    Steve Irwin is a moron - you'd have to be braindead to do some of the things I've seen that man do.

    SSJVegeta-Sei


    Pierce me with steel, rend me with claw and fang; as I die, a legend is born for another generation to follow.
    An\' it harm none, do as ye will. - Wiccan Rede

  6. #6
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Posts
    157
    really
    u r a time waste teacher
    Sometimes realitys are dreams we cannot live in.... (as my bst fren says) [/shadow]

  7. #7
    AO BOFH: Luser Abuser BModeratorFH gore's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    7,177
    Yea, I can't add more to the OP, but I can add more by replying
    Kill the lights, let the candles burn behind the pumpkins’ mischievous grins, and let the skeletons dance. For one thing is certain, The Misfits have returned and once again everyday is Halloween.The Misfits FreeBSD
    Cannibal Holocaust
    SuSE Linux
    Slackware Linux

  8. #8
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Posts
    244
    nice..........
    The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones that do.


    http://www.AntiOnline.com/sig.php?imageid=767

  9. #9
    Banned
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Posts
    44
    good..........

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