March 19th, 2004, 08:05 PM
Performance Evaluation (workplace)
I almost got people to believe the Evaluation policy was going to be implemented.
The language was compiled from various sources, and we just pinned it all round the place anyway, got NO COMPLAINTS, Did get orders for quite a few copies though !!!!
NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGE
It has been bought to our notice that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from some employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
However, we do realise the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Human Resources Section has compiled a list of code phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitive co-workers :-
OLD PHRASE (NEW PHRASE)
No ****ing way (I'm fairly sure that's not feasible)
You're ****ing kidding (Really)
Tell someone who gives a **** (Have you run that by ...............)
No **** told me (I wasn't involved in that project)
I don't have the ****ing time (Perhaps I can work late)
Who ****ing cares (Are you sure that's a problem)
Eat **** and die (You don't say)
Eat **** and die mother****er (You don't say sir)
Kiss my arse (So you'd like to help me)
He's a ****ing ***** (He's somewhat insensitive)
She's a ball-busting bitch (She's an aggressive go-getter)
You haven't got a ****ing clue (You could use more training)
This place is ****ed (We're a little disorganised today)
What sort of ****wit are you (You're new here aren't you )
**** off shithead (Well there you go)
You're a ****ing wanker (You're my supervisor, I respect you)
**** off (I'll look into it and get back to you)
**** off dickhead (I no longer require your assistance)
How did you get this piece of **** to work (Well done)
You ****ing loser (Gee, that was unfortunate)
Under the Freedom of Information Act and the Federal Privacy Act of 1974, I understand that my work performance is being evaluated. I have the right to examine and copy any documentation. I have the right to review and discuss differences in order to resolve them, and I have the right to request amendment to and / or modification of any document.
Name :- Date of Review :-
KNOWLEDGE :- 1 - The son of a bitch really knows his ****.
2 - Knows just enough to be dangerous.
3 - Only has half a brain, and is dangerous.
4 - ****ing brain dead. His coffee cup has a higher IQ.
ACCURACY :- 1 - Does excellent work, if not preoccupied with pussy.
2 - Pretty good, only occasionally blows it out his ass.
3 - Has to take his shoes off to count higher than ten.
4 - Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice.
ATTITUDE :- 1 - Extremely co-operative ( Kisses ass frequently ).
2 - Brown noser in good standing.
3 - Often pisses off co - workers, thinks it's his job.
4 - Doesn't give a ****, never did, never will.
RELIABILITY :- 1 - Really dependable little **********.
2 - Can rely on him at evaluation time.
3 - Can rely on him to be the first one out the ****ing door.
4 - Totally ****ing worthless.
APPEARANCE :- 1 - Extremely neat, even combs his pubic hair.
2 - Looks great at evaluation time.
3 - Dirty, filthy, smelly son of a bitch.
4 - Flies leave fresh dog **** to follow him.
PERFORMANCE :- 1 - Goes like a son of a bitch if there is money in it.
2 - Does OK around evaluation time.
3 - Works, only if kicked in the ass every two minutes.
4 - Couldn't do less work if he were in a coma.
LEADERSHIP :- 1 - Carries a chainsaw and gets good results.
2 - Occasionally gets told to get ****ed.
3 - Mother Theresa tells him to get ****ed.
4 - Couldn't lead a pack of hungry wolves to meat.