Microsoft source code snippet
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Thread: Microsoft source code snippet

  1. #1
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Posts
    1,019

    Microsoft source code snippet

    Code:
    #include <nonsense.h>
      #include <lies.h>
      #include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
      #include <process.h> /* For the court of law */
     
      #define say(x) lie(x)
      #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
      #define next_year soon
      #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
     
      void main() {
        if (latest_window_version  one_month_old)
        {
          if (there_are_still_bugs)
     
            market(bugfix);
          if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
            raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
        }
        while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
        {
          make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
                                                          lie.h */
          if (rumours_grow_wilder)
            make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
          if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
          {
            market_time=ripe;
            say("It will be ready in one month);
            order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
            order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
            order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
            vapourware=TRUE;
            break;
           }
     
        }
        switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
        {
           case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
             say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
             break;
          case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
             say("Yes it will work");
             ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
             pretend(there_is_no_problem);
             break;
           case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
             say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
                 " the 32 bits architecture");
             inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
             inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
                    "'cuz all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
             inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
             get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
             break;
     
           case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
             say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
                  everyone");
             register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
             when(time_is_ripe)
             {
               arrest(journalist);
               brainwash(journalist);
               when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
               {
                 order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
                 release (journalist);
               }
             }
             break;
         }
         while (vaporware)
         {
           introduction_date++; /* Delay */
           if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
             break;
           say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
        }
        release(beta_version)
        while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
        {
          bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
          release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
          introduce(more_memory_requirements);
          if (customers_report_installation_problems)
          {
            say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
            if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
            {
              ignore(customer);
              order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
                                                    bastard");
            }
          }
          if (there_is_another_company)
          {
            steal(their_ideas);
            accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
            hire(a_lot_of_lawyers);               /* in process.h */
            wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
            buy_out(other_company);
          }
        }
        /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
           us */
        order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
        buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
        laugh_at(everyone,
        for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
      }
     
      void bugfix(void) {
        charge (a_lot_of_money);
        if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
          say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
        if (still_complaints)
        {
          ignore(customer);
          register(customer, big_Bill_book);
          /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
        }
      }

    Yeah, I know it belongs in tech numor, but I couldn't resist

  2. #2
    Banned
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Posts
    3,840
    hahahah, that is very funny and very true .....I have to print this, this ones for my wall collection, right next to the hacker manifesto....

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Posts
    339
    Heh, this one is not only buggy, it won't even compile (at least on gcc)

    'main' must return 'int'
    multi-line string literals are deprecated
    missing terminating " character
    missing ; etc...

    Peace always,
    <jdenny>
    Always listen to experts. They\'ll tell you what can\'t be done and why. Then go and do it. -- Robert Heinlein
    I\'m basically a very lazy person who likes to get credit for things other people actually do. -- Linus Torvalds


  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Posts
    1,019


    Thanks, I knew something was wrong somewhere...

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