Attention, all American Citizens
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  1. #1
    AO Soccer Mom debwalin's Avatar
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    Attention, all American Citizens

    I'm posting this here as a joke, so if all of you died in the wool Bush supporters could just refrain from posting anything in my joke, it would be greatly appreciated.



    MEMORANDUM
    Home Office
    Direct Communications Unit
    7th Floor
    50 Queen Anne?s Gate
    London
    SW1H 9AT


    TO: The Citizens of the United States of America

    RE: Revocation of your Independence


    In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

    2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents? Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly? or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

    6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

    7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "$hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

    11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

    12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

    13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

    14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

    16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

    Thank you for your cooperation.

    Rt Hon David Blunkett
    Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

  2. #2
    Flash M0nkey
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    w00t - soooooooooooooo true....all of it!!

    v_Ln

  3. #3
    Super Moderator: GMT Zone nihil's Avatar
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    I think that I can get a Papal dispensation for Michelob............

    Utah?............I think that there are some parts of Alabamashire that haven't received royal approval either?



    I have forwarded this to my member of parliament............it should cause a bit of fun in Westminster..........

    thanks for sharing debs
    If you cannot do someone any good: don't do them any harm....
    As long as you did this to one of these, the least of my little ones............you did it unto Me.
    What profiteth a man if he gains the entire World at the expense of his immortal soul?

  4. #4
    ********** |ceWriterguy
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    We, the Citizens of the Republic of Texas (heretofore known to you as the 'United States') rebuke your petty claim to our colonies.

    When Devon reaches the magnitude of Texas in a Texan's eye, we *might* consider the cessation of calling it Devonshire. As a matter of fact, I believe I shall introduce into this great Republic's legislation the changing of 'Devonshire' to 'Pissantshire'. I dare any one of you, singly or in numbers, to go to New Orleans (a south Texas town) and tell a Cajun he lives in "Louisianashire", or a steel worker he lives in "Pittsburra" (more NorthEast Texas).

    Oh, and please do learn to make iced tea properly. Those folks in that little East Texas town of Boston tried teaching your ancestors, but evidently they failed to listen.

    And while we're on the issues at hand, what is the deal with the latent homosexuality so rampant on the BBC? The secondhand reruns we keep getting over here (lovingly known as Britcoms) seem to have all males fixated upon each other's bums. One wonders just how merry Merry Old England actually is. Perhaps when English actors learn to at least act heterosexual they'll get cast in better parts in Hollywood (West Texas, but we're somewhat loathe to claim it).
    Along those same lines, some of us prefer to hear the beeps in the Springer show - it beats the hell out of forcing us to listen to 'biiiiiaaaaatcccchhh!!!' over and over etc ad nauseum ad infinitum.

    Fried taters are fried taters, and shall now and forevermore be referred to as such by all solid Texas citizens.

    We have long considered invading Canada, but fail to see why invading a portion of North Texas would help our cause, therefore we let them pretend they're not Texans and get along quite nicely. We do wish, however, that they would learn to speak a civilized tongue.

    Please also attempt to learn the sport of Football appropriately. It isn't played with a bunch of fairies running about in short pants and kicking a little black and white sphere. Instead it's a controlled brawl. Much like a rugby scrum, but with a bit more padding and a more recognizable sport. The fairies play Soccer, and no one riots over it here. In fact, very few of us even pay attention to it.

    On oil - drilling, refining. We've been doing it for years, which is why our prices are so low. Learn it, Buy some land somewhere (God knows you couldn't capture and annex it), and practice it.

    On JFK - we got sick of wondering and hired a bunch of conspiracy theorists to wonder for us. We suggest you do the same.

    Tell your tax collectors we paid them treble years ago in foreign aid. They can collect more from us the day the French sprout testicles.

    We do, however, agree wholeheartedly with the point concerning beer and ales. It is the weakest point of our society, and unfortunately it has shown its ugly head in the form of 'we can't hold our liquor.' Please do send more and help rebuild our tolerance to things other than whiskey. *burp*

    Oh, and as a final note, I'll pit a Dodge Viper against any bloody Mercedes out there. For that matter, I've a nice Mack sitting out back that will out pull, haul, or run any lorry (or however the correct limey spelling may be) in the UK, simply because it's a TRUCK, and lorries are for pussies.

    Al You Men EE Ummmmmmm. Yah, ok, we're still working on Worchestershire sauce. We'll get back to you on that.
    Even a broken watch is correct twice a day.

    Which coder said that nobody could outcode Microsoft in their own OS? Write a bit and make a fortune!

  5. #5
    Banned
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    Oh, and as a final note, I'll pit a Dodge Viper against any bloody Mercedes out there. For that matter, I've a nice Mack sitting out back that will out pull, haul, or run any lorry (or however the correct limey spelling may be) in the UK, simply because it's a TRUCK, and lorries are for pussies.
    Dang... I liked your reply, but you shouldn't have said that

    The Dodge Viper is a darn nice car, but it's not nearly as fast as the fastest Mercedes out there...
    Maybe not a fair comparison, but the Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren is a bit faster than a Dodge Viper... The SLR's top speed is higher than the Viper's, and the 0-60MPh is faster (ok.. the SLR costs over $450k Vs. $82k for a Viper, but still)....

    The Ford GT is the only one that comes close to the SLR, but not quite...

    And let's not forget about one of the sturdiest cars ever: the Mercedes G. Sturdier than any Dodge truck/SUV out there...

    The only exception could be the new Dodge RAM SRT-10 pickup... and your MACK, of course... lol.

    And the day "American football" is being played without protective gear will be the day that I start watching that "sport"... I'll even consider figuring out the rules

  6. #6
    Super Moderator: GMT Zone nihil's Avatar
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    Hey,|3ack|ce

    This should resolve both problems:

    http://www.devonshirecat.co.uk/content.php

    They even sell American beer

    "Devonshire" is correct BTW, I think that it is a bit old fashioned?
    If you cannot do someone any good: don't do them any harm....
    As long as you did this to one of these, the least of my little ones............you did it unto Me.
    What profiteth a man if he gains the entire World at the expense of his immortal soul?

  7. #7
    ********** |ceWriterguy
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    For that one, Nihil, Devonshire shall remain such forevermore. Thanks for the beer. Cheers! Now someone pass me a hot bowl of chili and some fritos.

    Neg - yes, more than 4 times as much cost for that bloody SLR, and I bet they're using them as taxis over in Germany. And Lorries are still for pussies.

    On a more serious side - thanks for the hilarious post deb, I laughed my tail off at it.
    Even a broken watch is correct twice a day.

    Which coder said that nobody could outcode Microsoft in their own OS? Write a bit and make a fortune!

  8. #8
    AO Soccer Mom debwalin's Avatar
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    I'm glad you all enjoyed it! I hesitated about posting it, cause I was afraid it would become yet another political argument, and I'm glad it didn't! I eventually decided that anything that made me laugh that hard had to make someone else, somewhere, laugh that hard, so decided to post it anyway.
    Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

  9. #9
    They call me the Hunted foxyloxley's Avatar
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    I was LOL, and my ass was actually in danger of falling off.
    Had to send this one out to my mail list [read: nutters like me, not nutters LIKE me. Nutters; like me]
    55 - I'm fiftyfeckinfive and STILL no wiser,
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  10. #10
    er0k
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    Originally posted here by Negative


    And the day "American football" is being played without protective gear will be the day that I start watching that "sport"... I'll even consider figuring out the rules [/B]
    you do realize that without the gear, it would be a wussie sport, like rugby, because no one would hit near as hard. I'd like to see an nfl team play a rugby team, without pads. hahahaha. Casualities: all rugby players.

    You dont see too many 250 Lb 6'4 bench pressing 400+ lbs. rugby players that can still run a 4.5 40 yard dash now do you

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