A collection of funny stuff.
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Thread: A collection of funny stuff.

  1. #1
    Senior Member
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    Talking A collection of funny stuff.

    Plz post any thing you have.

    funnie lines ----
    "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

    "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

    "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army

    "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are
    guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F.Ammo Troop

    "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

    "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
    least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of
    your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

    "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
    bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

    "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

    "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

    Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

    "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David
    Hackworth

    "If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an
    ambush." - Infantry Journal

    "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

    "Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anon

    "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown
    Army Recruit

    "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

    "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." --
    U.S.A. Ammo Troop

    The funniest story-----

    My girlfriend and I had been dating for over two years, so we decided to get married. She was a beauty and I was very happy! There was only one thing bothering me. My prospective sister-in-law was a teenager who wore tight micro skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I always see her underwear. It had to be deliberate, as she never did it when she was near anyone else.

    The other day the little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married to her sister. I was in shock and didn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, if you want to have me, just come up and get me."

    I was frozen as I watched her go up the stairs, pull down her panties and throw them down the stairs at me. I turned and went straight to the front door, opened it and stepped out of the house. I walked towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man."

    The moral of this story; always keep your condoms in your car.

    Some more funny lines -----

    1. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

    2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Makes you hope you never need surgery!)

    3. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

    4. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Whoa!)

    5. There are men in Guam whose full time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

    6. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

    7. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England--but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

    8. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

    9. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (This was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

    10. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam, though!!)

    More funnie lines-----

    1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of
    boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
    instantly removed.

    2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
    someone else to hold them while you chop away.

    3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
    using the sink.

    4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a
    few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

    5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
    from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
    button.

    6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
    will be afraid to cough.

    7. Have a bad tooth ache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you
    will forget about the toothache.

    Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

    You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and
    should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

    Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

    And...Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
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  2. #2
    ********** |ceWriterguy
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    4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a
    few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
    Sad to say, but that one's true - Once every 8 weeks I get that method from donating blood.

    857. "I am dyslexic of Borg. You will be Asslaminated."
    Even a broken watch is correct twice a day.

    Which coder said that nobody could outcode Microsoft in their own OS? Write a bit and make a fortune!
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  3. #3
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    Wish Admins to look out here

    Hi AO Admins,
    I wish u should disallow any post (edit it plz) if it contains comments on religions as this post contains.

    3. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)
    I negged that post and saw that one of the AO senior is behaving irresponssiblly and try to to defend that post. Plz admins take some serious against this post (at least edit it out).

    Would be grateful.

    Thanks

    mmkhan
    Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?
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  4. #4
    ********** |ceWriterguy
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    As a senior u should behave well and guide others not to pass comments on religions.
    I found this with his whopping 4 reds assigned here... ok, so now you get my attention and my response.

    As a Jr. Member you should learn this is a HUMOR FORUM. Get a sense of humor about things, or quit reading here. Oh, and here's some reds to pay you back for your efforts...

    [edit] now that that's been taken care of, let's address your issue rationally, shall we?

    In the United States, where this forum is based, we have this wonderful thing called freedom of speech. This right is protected by the first amendment of our Constitution. Since you are in Pakistan, and probably Muslem, I'll grant that you were most likely offended by such a remark as the one made in the prior post. I, as a Christian, and a veteran of Desert Storm (yes, I sent a bunch of your fellow Muslems to be with Allah too, and I'm damn proud of it), found his post to be quite funny, most especially since you took such efforts to call attention to it. The simple fact that someone's viewpoints differ from your own is not a good reason to act the fool over it. Plainly and simply spoken, this is a forum for jokes - be you the butt of said joke or a bystander laughing at it matters not - what matters is the humor of the content. I would suggest you get a sense of humor. I would also suggest, since you deem it necessary to call attention to the fact that I'm a Senior member here (having proven myself in these forums of ours), that you heed my advice.

    In other words, get a ****ing life you screaming idiot.

    If you want to play games with reds, we can do that. I promise my guns are larger than yours, loaded, and readily aimed at fools just like yourself. [/edit]
    Even a broken watch is correct twice a day.

    Which coder said that nobody could outcode Microsoft in their own OS? Write a bit and make a fortune!
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  5. #5
    the beign of authority kurt_der_koenig's Avatar
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    I negged that post and saw that one of the AO senior is behaving irresponssiblly and try to to defend that post. Plz admins take some serious against this post (at least edit it out).
    Word of adivce, put the joint down and pull the stick out of your a**! Understand? Versteht?
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  6. #6
    ********** |ceWriterguy
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    After posting such a heated response as I did, I felt the necessity to humiliate our new punchingba*cough*friend*cough mmkhan just a bit further...and decided to add to the humor aspect of this as well....

    mmkhan -

    I took the liberty of searching google for the following:

    laws muslim genital

    I found, amidst the 5000+ sites that returned in the results, the following pages:

    http://www.dribbleglass.com/subpages...e/sexlaws3.htm

    http://www.geocities.com/alwayslisa_99/weirdsex.html

    http://www.scarrott.org.uk/funny/laws.htm

    Now to the outsider reading this particular post - the specific muslim reference within each of the listed pages is precisely the one that was posted in this thread today. However you might find some of the other laws very amusing indeed. I did.

    back to mmkhan -

    So now whatcha gonna do, big boy? Declare jihad on a website? Send nasty emails to the site authors? Most of them take your idiocy to heart and add your mail (and email address) to their sites as well. Perhaps you would like to acheive immortality that way?

    As I said before, so shall I say again:

    Get a ****ing life you screaming idiot.
    Even a broken watch is correct twice a day.

    Which coder said that nobody could outcode Microsoft in their own OS? Write a bit and make a fortune!
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  7. #7
    the beign of authority kurt_der_koenig's Avatar
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    umm... is this our little friend?

    http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/mmkhan/ ?
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  8. #8
    ********** |ceWriterguy
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    That's just evil, posting his ugly mug up there for the world to see - and his mailing address, home and work phone, and email address... I wonder how many thousands of people would dearly love to spam him to death before you wind up sanitizing it. I'm also curious about what kind of 'PhD computer science' student would, in his right mind, post his personal information in a website, then use his same 'handle' in a PUBLIC FORUM... This makes me truly afraid for the computer security of the world.

    Word of advice Maleq, lose the website, quickly. Start a new account here and change your handle. If you beg Kurt enough, he'll probably delete that link... I mean really...your PHONE NUMBERS are in there...

    Durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I'm a Purdue student! Didn't Professor Pandurangan teach you basic internet security?

    Wow.. did you see where this guy can program in Lisp?
    He can't seem to spell Novell though. Tsk. might correct that on your resume Maleq.

    Funny how his name came up number 1 on google with that verysame site...and 2 of his published works immediately following. I'll be sure not to read those since his credibility is completely shot to hell...

    Here's an older one from back when he was at North Dakota State too - wonder what I could dig out of there if I was truly interested...

    http://www.cs.ndsu.nodak.edu/~mdkhan/

    [edit] seems our boy is into spyware a bit too.... check this one

    http://www.cs.rit.edu/~dmrg/CoMMA/

    This eventual goal of the project is to do Association Rule Mining on Multimedia Data across multiple table, particularly pictures and text. Although ample literature exists on mining Multi-relational data mining, however mining multi-modal data across multiple tables has hardly been addressed. The goal of the project is to address this problem and employ the current application as a test bed.
    nuff said [/edit]
    Even a broken watch is correct twice a day.

    Which coder said that nobody could outcode Microsoft in their own OS? Write a bit and make a fortune!
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  9. #9
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    Hi,
    After reading ur post and understanding ur feelings about me and Muslims I would suggest u people to visit a mental hospital (as this veteran being kicked out of the uniform's due to his mental condition ! no problem man i will help u out if u r willing as normal people will easily conclude this from ur post) and have a good treatment there. As far as 'Freedom Of Speech' concerned i think its like a giving a fully loaded gun to retard persons (like u). I will not mind ur writeups (who mind retards?) due to ur childish behaviour (i m amazed how retard childrens get into forces). It will be better for u to just flush out the poision against muslims of ur brains. As far as humor is concerned it should not hurt other feelings (esp: religion) if u wish to call urself civilized ones. Hi Hi one more thing the mmkhan (the one u linked, a childish play with google) u mentioned in ur posts is not me (By GOD, i swear). Again, commenting on ones face (alas, ur childish behaviour and a sick mind, i think the normal childrens also does not behave in a way as u did). I think u should have grown up and think like mature people. I will not utter a single word from this point as this will make no differnce in u and me.

    Thanks

    I wish u should take some class on ethics and etiquettes.
    Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?
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  10. #10
    Just a Virtualized Geek MrLinus's Avatar
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    Ok. This thread is closed.

    mmkhan, might I suggest the following action next time:

    • 1. contact the person that posted it and ask them -- politely -- if they could remove it because it offends you
      2. if they refuse or don't respond after a day or two (keep in mind it was the holidays), send a note to myself and/or Negative (moderators -- note: moderators CANNOT edit posts)
      3. assign your negs as you feel but keep in mind telling someone they can't do something is usually an invite to encourage them to do something.
      4. last resort, send a note to one of the admins (try intmon first).


    If you have questions, ask away.

    Oh, and |Black|ice, wrong person.
    Goodbye, Mittens (1992-2008). My pillow will be cold without your purring beside my head
    Extra! Extra! Get your FREE copy of Insight Newsletter||MsMittens' HomePage
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