Someone wrote a letter to the White House complaining about treatment of a captive taken during the Afghanistan war. Below is a copy of the letter he received back.
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C., 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter criticizing our treatment of Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay. Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.
You'll be pleased to learn, thanks to concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation, under heavily armed guard, to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (just call him Ahmed ) is to be cared for pursuant to standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance. We understand you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can kill you with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next Yoga Group meeting.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosives from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife and daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code Ahmed will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka over time. Just remind them it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" - wasn't that how you put it? Thanks again for your letter.
We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember... we'll be watching. Good Luck!
Cordially... Your Buddy,