Doctor Seuss does CLASSIC STAR TREK. -- by KAL
Uhura: Captain, Captain, I've received a call
The klingons are attacking one and all.
Things are wrong, they are not fine
We're to proceed at once to Indri-9.
Kirk: It seems a war they are inducing
Does Indri have women for my seducing?
Spock: Indri's a planet of class M
Males and females from it do stem.
Kirk: Chekov, you lay in the course
Sulu, factor 9, of course.
Scotty: Captain, I can not recommend it
If you break the engine, I can not mend it!
Kirk: Mr. Scott, of course you can
When stuff is broken, you're our man!
Scotty: I guess you're right, my Captain Kirker
that's why they call me "Miracle Worker."
Sulu: Here we go, we're on our way
once again, we'll save the day.
Chekov: The Keptin vill handle these problems major
Inspired by some Russian hero, I'll wager.
Uhura: Captain, Starfleet's calling again
we will arrive at Indri, when?
Kirk: Spock, you do your computations
I'm not that good at estimations.
Spock: 7 hours, 23 minutes, 6 seconds, is the time
before we arrive at Indri-9.
McCoy: Mr. Spock, you damn machine
can't you keep your numbers lean?
Spock: My numbers are quite logical
no need to become hysterical.
Kirk: Gentlemen, gentlemen, if you will
save this fight for later still.
Scotty, can we get there faster?
I want to kill some Klingon bastard.
Scotty: I've poured all the power I can pour
She will not, can not, take no more!
* COMMERCIAL BREAK, STUFF TO PAWN
GUESS IT'S TIME TO HIT THE JOHN *
Sulu: Approaching Indri Captain Kirk
Klingons in orbit, they do lurk!
Kirk: A standard orbit will be just fine
'til we discover what's on their mind.
Hale the vessel, if you please
Let me talk to this Klingon sleaze.
Uhura: Channel open, Captain Kirk
Kirk: What's your business here, you jerk?
Klingon: My business is just that, it's mine
if you want a fight, that's fine!
Kirk: Mr. Sulu, raise the shields
it seems this bastard will not yield.
Sulu: Shields are up, phasers fine
Kirk: We must protect this Indri-9!
* THINGS ARE TENSE, NEVER MEANER
TIME TO SELL SOME WINDOW CLEANER *
Sulu: Captain, Captain, they are firing
Our shields they are already tiring!
Kirk: Pump more power in 'em Scott!
Sulu, FIRE, I mean a lot!
Chekov: Ve got him, sir! They're pulling avay!
Being Russian sure does pay!
Kirk: Not so fast, we do not know
what has happened down below!
McCoy and Spock, you're with me
I feel we must beam down and see.
McCoy: There is a chance we will be tattered
and I don't want my atoms scattered!
Kirk: Bones, it is not open for debate
grab your med-kit, don't be late.
Kirk: Who's the newbie in the shirt of red?
I hope he will not end up dead.
Redshirt: It's me, it's me, Ensign Deek!
Out of the Academy just last week!
Kirk: All right Scotty, beam us down
put us in the middle of a town.
Scotty: Aye sir, aye sir, right away
hope the transporter don't give way!
Kirk: Now we are in a foreign land
Mr. Spock, please do a scan.
Spock: Readings indicate something keen
a power source I've never seen.
Redshirt: Arrrrgggghhhh! A beam has hit my head!
McCoy: Jim, I'm sorry, he is dead.
* TIME FOR US TO SELL MORE STUFF
WE PLAN THIS FOR WHEN THINGS ARE ROUGH *
Kirk: Can't you bring him back to life?
We need him in the impending strife!
McCoy: There's nothing I can do here, Jim
except to notify next of kin.
Spock: I must suggest that we seek cover
before that beam strikes us, one or other.
Kirk: Good idea, my Vulcan friend
that beam our flesh it seems will rend.
I see a castle, perhaps a lair
but there's a canyon between here and there
McCoy: Damnit, Jim, what should I do?
I'm a Doctor, not a kangaroo!
Spock: I think the puzzle I can solve
with a little logic and resolve.
If I modify my phaser beam
the other side will soon be seen.
We'll simply walk to the other ridge
using the phaser beam as a bridge.
McCoy: Spock you damn green-blooded geek
if it fails, we'll fall a week!
Spock: I'm half human, as you're fond to say . . .
Kirk: Gentleman, gentleman, let's be on our way.
* COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK
TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS, YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT *
Kirk: There's a hundred Klingons, and they reek
to get in, we'll have to sneak.
Spock: I will use my Vulcan mind
make them all feel weak and kind.
It should really be a cinch
if trouble strikes, I'll use my pinch.
My tricorder, it has found the power
the source is from that looming tower.
* AWAY FROM THE ACTION WE ARE TORN
TIME TO MAKE SOME POPPING CORN *
Kirk: An ancient machine lies among the rubble
this must be the source of all our trouble.
Spock: Yes, it has tremendous might
the Klingons for it, no doubt, would fight.
Kirk: Spock, can you shut it down?
Remove the Klingon's motivation for being around?
Spock: Easily enough, I'll just give a tug
to this thing that looks like a plug.
Kirk: Reason to be here we now lack
Scotty, Scotty, beam us back.
* TIME TO FIT IN ONE MORE BREAK
ONLY MINUETS MORE THIS WILL TAKE *
Kirk: I'm sure the lesson here is moral
about our nasty little struggle.
McCoy: The human race is destined to excel
and we will, no doubt, do it well.
Spock: You humans will, do doubt, succeed
but of we Vulcans you are in need.
McCoy: We need you Vulcans, I should say
like a flashlight needs the day.
All: A hearty laugh it starts to leak
we'll see you all right here next week.
-- An original composition by: Kenneth A. Lower 12/8/96