Do this don't do that can't you read the signs?
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Thread: Do this don't do that can't you read the signs?

  1. #1
    ********** |ceWriterguy
    Join Date
    Aug 2004

    Talking Do this don't do that can't you read the signs?


    The following are from actual signs found in hotels and other venues in countries where English is not the main language.

    1. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

    2. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

    3. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

    4. On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn **** to right.

    5. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

    Now that's what I call room service! Hehehe!

    Yes, I found this on one of my preferred perving sites. It was worth the cut and paste to here.
    Even a broken watch is correct twice a day.

    Which coder said that nobody could outcode Microsoft in their own OS? Write a bit and make a fortune!

  2. #2
    T̙͓̞̣̯ͦͭͅͅȂͧͭͧ̏̈͏̖̖Z̿ ͆̎̄
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    A guy, his Wife and his Mother-in-Law go for a trip to the Holy Land. The Mother-In-Law dies over there.

    The Und3rtak3r says: You can have her shipped home for $5000 or have her buried here in the Holy Land for only $150.

    The guy replies: We'll send her home.

    The Und3rtak3r then asks why.

    The man replies: 2000 years ago a guy died and they buried him here, and 3 days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

  3. #3
    T̙͓̞̣̯ͦͭͅͅȂͧͭͧ̏̈͏̖̖Z̿ ͆̎̄
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Two workers are digging a ditch on a hot day. Their boss is up underneath the shade of a tree. The guys start to wonder "Okay, why are we sweating like mad doing this work?" So one of them goes up and asks the boss.
    The boss replies: "Oh, that'd be intelligence."
    "Intelligence?" the worker asks.
    "Here, let me show you." the boss puts his hand on a tree. "I want you to hit my hand with your fist."
    Well, the worker winds up and takes a swing. The boss moves his hand, letting the worker punch the tree. "Now, do you see what I mean?"
    The worker goes back into the ditch.
    "Well, what'd the boss say?"
    "Yeah. Lemme show you. I'm going to put my hand on my face, and you try to hit it with your shovel..."

  4. #4
    T̙͓̞̣̯ͦͭͅͅȂͧͭͧ̏̈͏̖̖Z̿ ͆̎̄
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some
    rectum deodorant.

    The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman
    they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

    Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff
    from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

    "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"

    "But I always buy it here," says the blonde "Do you have the container
    that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

    "YES", said the blonde, "I'll
    go home and get it."

    She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who
    looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

    Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud
    from the container.........


  5. #5
    AO Senior Cow-beller
    zencoder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Mountain standard tribe.
    Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks up and says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
    "Data is not necessarily information. Information does not necessarily lead to knowledge. And knowledge is not always sufficient to discover truth and breed wisdom." --Spaf
    Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made president should on no account be allowed to do the job. --Douglas Adams (1952-2001)
    "...people find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right." - Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore

  6. #6
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Three nuns die and go to heaven and when they get there St Peter tells them they have to each answer a question correctly to get in.

    StP "Who was the first man on earth?"

    Nun #1 "That's easy, it was Adam"

    The bells ring, the gates open and in she goes to heaven.

    StP "Who was the first woman on earth?"

    Nun #2 "That's easy, Eve"

    The bells ring, the gates open and in she goes to heaven.

    StP "What were the first words that Eve said to Adam?"

    Nun #3 "Gee, that's a hard one.'

    The bells ring, the gates open and in she goes to heaven.
    \"You got a mouth like an outboard motor..all the time putt putt putt\" - Foghorn Leghorn

  7. #7
    T̙͓̞̣̯ͦͭͅͅȂͧͭͧ̏̈͏̖̖Z̿ ͆̎̄
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    A beautiful young woman gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around her form and tells her husband that he can get in the shower. As he enters the shower, the doorbell rings.
    The wife says she'll get the door and goes downstairs.
    When she opens the door, she sees her neighbour, Bill, whose mouth opens wide at the sight of her shimmering form.
    He pulls out two one hundred dollar bills and tells her that they are hers if she will just let the towel fall to her waist.
    She thinks why not and drops the towel down and takes the money.
    Bill gasps at the sight and shows her two more hundreds and offers them if she will just let the towel go altogether.
    She thinks she has come this far so what the heck and drops the towel to the ground.
    Bill looks for a minute, thanks her and leaves. When she got back upstairs, her husband had completed his shower and asks her who was at the door. She says just Bill. The husband replies, "Did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?"

  8. #8
    T̙͓̞̣̯ͦͭͅͅȂͧͭͧ̏̈͏̖̖Z̿ ͆̎̄
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.

    The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"

    "Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

  9. #9
    In And Above Man Black Cluster's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
    cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
    live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
    to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
    all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

    The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
    apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
    shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
    face or you'll be eaten."

    The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
    in pain, so he was killed.

    The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
    king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
    should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
    ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

    The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
    asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
    second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
    coming with pineapples."
    \"The only truly secure system is one that is powered off, cast in a block of concrete and sealed in a lead-lined room with armed guards - and even then I have my doubts\".....Spaf
    Everytime I learn a new thing, I discover how ignorant I am.- ... Black Cluster

  10. #10
    T̙͓̞̣̯ͦͭͅͅȂͧͭͧ̏̈͏̖̖Z̿ ͆̎̄
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

    "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

    The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So,the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

    A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

    "No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

    The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

    A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died." The third man says,"Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

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