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Thread: Nuthin' but Jokes

  1. #1
    T̙͓̞̣̯ͦͭͅͅȂͧͭͧ̏̈͏̖̖Z̿ ͆̎̄
    Join Date
    Dec 2004

    Talking Nuthin' but Jokes

    You gotta be Canadian to understand this one...

    A newfie calls 911. "Hello, is this the RCMP?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Mike Fitzpatrick! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir."

    The next day, the RCMP officers descended on Mike's house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood but found no marijuana. They swore at Mike and left.

    The next day the phone rang at Mike's house. "Hey, Mike! Did the RCMP come to your house?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Merry Christmas Buddy".

  2. #2
    In And Above Man Black Cluster's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Would you please translate!, I couldn't understand ....
    \"The only truly secure system is one that is powered off, cast in a block of concrete and sealed in a lead-lined room with armed guards - and even then I have my doubts\".....Spaf
    Everytime I learn a new thing, I discover how ignorant I am.- ... Black Cluster

  3. #3
    T̙͓̞̣̯ͦͭͅͅȂͧͭͧ̏̈͏̖̖Z̿ ͆̎̄
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    A guy, his Wife and his Mother-in-Law go for a trip to the Holy Land. The Mother-In-Law dies over there.

    The Undertaker says: You can have her shipped home for $5000 or have her buried here in the Holy Land for only $150.

    The guy replies: We'll send her home.

    The Undertaker then asks why.

    The man replies: 2000 years ago a guy died and they buried him here, and 3 days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    The next day the phone rang at Mike's house. "Hey, Mike! Did the RCMP come to your house?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Merry Christmas Buddy".
    That was absolutely priceless..
    i'd try something like that but i'd most likely get caught..

    we wanders of giggling of the thought of how i can get the RCMP to come and mow my lawn..
    Umm they said i should put my signature here.
    And now all i got is a heap of White Out on the Monitor..

  5. #5
    Senior Member MadBeaver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Bath, Maine

    Hindin for bad taste

    The nastiest joke I have ever heard!

    Why don't you eat P**sy in the morning?

    Have you ever tried to peal apart a grilled cheese sandwich.
    Mad Beaver

  6. #6
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Oldie but one of my favorites:

    What do you call a black guy who flies a plane ?

    ... A pilot, you racist.
    The fool doth think he is wise, but the wiseman knows himself to be a fool - Good Ole Bill Shakespeare

  7. #7
    AO Guinness Monster MURACU's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Two jews were haveing an argument about weather black is a colour or not. Jacob kept insisting that black was a colour while sammuel kept insisting that black was not a colour. After half an hour of this they decided to go see the Rabbai.
    Sammuel asked the Rabbi weather black was a colour. The Rabbi answered in the affirmative. So sammuel asked weather white was a colour. The Rabbi intrigued answered that white was a colour.
    Jacob smiling said see I told you that black is a colour and white is a colour. Sammuel glared and said "I dont care I still don't belive that was a colour Television you sold me"
    \"America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.\"
    \"The reason we are so pleased to find other people\'s secrets is that it distracts public attention from our own.\"
    Oscar Wilde(1854-1900)

  8. #8
    Frustrated Mad Scientist
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    This is in bad taste but it was told to me by a man from Belfast.

    Guy is walking down the street in Belfast when someone steps out of the shadows puts a gun to his head and drags him down an alley.

    "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?" growls the the attacker.

    Thinking quickly "I'm a jew" he says

    "**** me", comes the reply,"I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland!".

  9. #9
    T̙͓̞̣̯ͦͭͅͅȂͧͭͧ̏̈͏̖̖Z̿ ͆̎̄
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    I don't think this needs to be hidden...but let me know if it does...

    A farmer hear's a knock on his door. He gets up to answer it to find this rugged, hobo-ish man at his door.
    "Excuse me sir, but I couldn't help but notice that in your field out there, you have some Milkweed." I was wondering if you would be so kind as to let me take some of the milk from it." says the bum.
    The farmer, thinking this guy is an idiot, says "Sure, go right on ahead and take all the milk you want from the milk weed."
    "Thank you so much sir!" The bum runs off to the field.
    Later that day, the farmer hears another knock on his door. It's the bum and he has buckets upon buckets of milk. The Bum says, "I just wanted to thank you for letting me have this milk. I thought it would be wrong If i didn't let you have any.

    I also wanted to ask if I could get some Honey from the Honey suckle you have out there."
    The bewildered farmer agrees, thinking that this must be a joke and goes back to what he was doing.
    A couple hours later, the bum returns with gallons of Honey and gives some to the farmer. The farmer is amazed. Then the bum asks,

    "I also noticed that you have some Pussywillow out there, and I was wondering if.........."
    The farmer interupts and says "Let me get my coat."

  10. #10
    T̙͓̞̣̯ͦͭͅͅȂͧͭͧ̏̈͏̖̖Z̿ ͆̎̄
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Three men: one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked
    in the sauna.

    Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his
    forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
    "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my

    A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his
    palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile
    phone I have a microchip in my hand."

    Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So...as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returns
    with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The others raised their

    "Will you look at that" says Paddy, I'm getting a fax."


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