November 7th, 2005, 05:03 PM
just a few.
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, 'All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.'
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same
thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ‘It's no good, I'll have to do it,' and yells, ‘ALLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly. Sure enough,
the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, 'Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this darned horse.
What is he -- deaf or something?'
The trainer replies, 'Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!'
Be Careful What You Wish For
A 60-year-old man and his 60-year-old wife were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary when a Genie suddenly appeared and offered to grant each a wish.
The woman said, "I wish I could travel around the world with my husband." The Genie nodded and waved his hand and POOF! she was holding two tickets.
Then the husband said, "I wish I could travel around the world with a woman 30 years younger." The Genie nodded and waved his hand, and POOF! the man was 90.
November 7th, 2005, 06:31 PM
This reminds me of another similar joke:
A fisherman releases a small 'gator that got tangled up between some branches and as the little gator goes away papa gator - king of the waters around there - asks the fisherman what he would like. The man, after a moment's thought, answers "I want my dick to be long enough to touch the ground". So papa gator ate his legs...
November 8th, 2005, 11:16 AM
Two men drinking at a bar.
" Well Joe I am getting divorced."
"God Tom thats awfull! What happened?"
"I'll put it like this. Would you put up with someone who smokes, drinks and comes home at all hours every night of the week."
"Of course not."
" Well neither will my wife."
Two blondes leaving the fruit shop when the first turns around to the second and says,
" He gave us three bananas instead of two"
The second blond answers " Thats alright we can always eat the extra one......."
\"America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.\"
\"The reason we are so pleased to find other people\'s secrets is that it distracts public attention from our own.\"
November 8th, 2005, 03:20 PM
I'm sure some people have heard this before, and it's not great:
"Did you hear about the blonde terrorist? She got her anthrax mixed up with tampax and blew up the wrong ****!"