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Thread: Best Complaint Letter of the Year

  1. #1

    Best Complaint Letter of the Year

    Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and read on.

    Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)

    Dear Cretins,

    I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidityof monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
    so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

    My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

    I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
    -an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
    The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
    although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
    such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
    I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

    I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
    that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

    Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me
    therefore, if I continue.

    I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a uselessshower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

    British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very
    embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

    Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.


    {Recieved Via email.}

  2. #2
    AO's Resident Redneck The Texan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    That is the most thought out and well spoken complaint letter I have ever read lol.
    Git R Dun - Ty
    A tribe is wanted

  3. #3
    They call me the Hunted foxyloxley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    3rd Rock from Sun

    makes me proud to be British
    55 - I'm fiftyfeckinfive and STILL no wiser,
    OLDER yes
    Beware of Geeks bearing GIF's
    come and waste the day :P at The Taz Zone

  4. #4
    ********** |ceWriterguy
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    /me hastily takes note and reminds himself to mail a similar, Americanized version of said complaint letter to his notoriously unhelpful telephone company (which, I might add, is the ONLY land-line service in the area...)
    Even a broken watch is correct twice a day.

    Which coder said that nobody could outcode Microsoft in their own OS? Write a bit and make a fortune!

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Dang, I could swear that nihil wrote that letter! Just from the tone, eloquence, and vocabulary.

    Hey, nihil-moderator, what'd ya get for the prize?

  6. #6
    The ******* Shadow dalek's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    irritating Scottish robot woman

    What does that sound like? anybody from the Old country have any ideas on that one. Will it have anything to do with "Hagis", "Blood Pudding" or "Glenfiddich"
    PC Registered user # 2,336,789,457...

    "When the water reaches the upper level, follow the rats."
    Claude Swanson

  7. #7
    Frustrated Mad Scientist
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Lot of the bleeding companies emply disembodied Scottish voices for their phone systems. According to the marketing clones a scottish accent gives a trusting voice to the company.

    Gives us all a bad reputation the bastards.

    Tut tut Dalek, you Canadians should know better it's Haggis and Black Pudding. You got the whiskey right though. I wonder why? .

    It's a cracking letter, I almost feel sorry for those opening the letter. Cat **** is classed as munitions isn't it. Feckin should be.

  8. #8
    The ******* Shadow dalek's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    You got the whiskey right though. I wonder why? .
    Was introduced to this stuff back in 83 at a wee place called campbeltown, it was a great place to stay for the weekend, as we were sailing in on the sub, all of these fine fishermen who were leaving for the weekend were waiving like mad at us (friendly bunch I assumed, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more, say no more)

    The local Laird was the patron clan leader for Nova Scotia, so we was guests, even had a stag slaughtered by his game warden for us, course our skipper pissed everyone off because we couldn't except raw meat (something to do with regulations )

    I ended up being part of the shore patrol for one night, what a laugh that was, me and another guy from the crew were to go around with a couple of the local constabulary (two rookies) in the back of their paddy wagon and visit pubs to make sure our guys weren't causing any problems, what a laugh, I think we ended up more sloshed then rest of the guys, oh well at least we were all set for the night (cells).

    Yeah I spelled the Haggis wrong, and I think I was thinking of Blood Sausage instead of pudding.
    PC Registered user # 2,336,789,457...

    "When the water reaches the upper level, follow the rats."
    Claude Swanson

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    I had such a horrible hangover today but I laughed my ass off while reading this letter and I feel so much better...


  10. #10
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Someone put some time into that letter, and it totally paid off.
    The fool doth think he is wise, but the wiseman knows himself to be a fool - Good Ole Bill Shakespeare

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