The Teenager Daughter Owner's Manual
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    The Teenager Daughter Owner's Manual

    THE TEENAGER DAUGHTER OWNER'S MANUAL

    Instructions for all those with teenage daughters, or who will
    soon have a teenage daughter....

    Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged
    daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the
    maintenance of your new daughter, & answers important questions
    about your warranty, which does NOT include the right to return the
    'product' to the factory for a full refund.



    IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:

    *To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl,
    please examine your new daughter carefully. - Does she:

    (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more
    makeup & less clothing?

    (b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth.
    (except when requesting money)?

    (c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

    *If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.


    BREAK-IN PERIOD

    When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially
    experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort
    will subside, & you will merely feel traumatized. This is the
    "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to
    certain Behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, & stress.
    Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start
    acting even worse.


    ACTIVATION

    To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity
    of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is
    required.


    SHUTDOWN

    Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your
    teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.


    CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

    Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between
    The words "clean" & "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean,
    because They take frequent showers and or baths that last more than
    an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps
    which you must purchase for them because "like I'm sure I'm going
    to use like the same kind of soap my mom & dad use." When they
    have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out &
    wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will
    subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick
    up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers
    are very busy & don't have time to be neat. They expect others to
    pick up after them. These 'others' are called "parents."


    FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

    Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be
    Purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you
    eat because, "It is like so disgusting." She doesn't want you to
    accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see
    you &, "Like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner
    with my parents." Either order take-out food or just give her
    the money. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because
    the delivery boy might see you &, "OHMIGAWD! HE IS SO HOT!" Yes,
    your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy!


    CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

    Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish & frankly,
    sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter.
    If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which
    are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants
    to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into
    putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the
    time she walks in the school door, she will be wearing something
    entirely different.


    OTHER MAINTENANCE

    Teenaged daughters require one or two levels of maintenance:
    "High," & "Ultra High." Of course, YOUR daughter is "Ultra High."
    This means that whatever you do won't be enough, & whatever you try,
    won't work.


    WARRANTY

    This product is not without defect because she has "your" genes,
    for heaven's sake! If you think this is not fair, talk to your
    parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will
    remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a
    woman; which in her opinion, has already happened, & as far as
    you are concerned, never really will. If you are dissatisfied with
    your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event,
    your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any
    circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there -
    you just have to look for her. Go ahead, try it -- you just might
    find her!

  2. #2
    The ******* Shadow dalek's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    1,564
    I can so relate to all of that:
    Your teenaged daughter will
    remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a
    woman; which in her opinion, has already happened, & as far as
    you are concerned, never really will. If you are dissatisfied with
    your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event,
    your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any
    circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there -
    you just have to look for her. Go ahead, try it -- you just might
    find her!
    It's been a long 6 yrs (13 to 19), and now with her first bit of plastic (visa here I come), the road (out of my house) has started, but I honestly dread that day.
    PC Registered user # 2,336,789,457...

    "When the water reaches the upper level, follow the rats."
    Claude Swanson

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