Lil Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles.

The Priest walked up and asked him what he was doing?

Little Johnny replied, "I'm looking at the most powerful liquid in the world."

The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy Water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a boy!"

Little Johnny said, "Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put this on a cat's backside, he'll pass a Harley Davidson......."


Handy Tips

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected.)

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.


In the Bronx, N.Y., lived a rich cat who was a bit of a snob, though she did deign to chat on occasion with her neighbour, an alley cat. one day, she announced that she was about to have an operation, but she didn't mention what it was for.

Two weeks later, her humble friend saw her again and inquired politely how she was feeling, then dared to ask what kind of operation she had had.

"Oh, I am quite well now, thank you," the rich cat replied, stiffly. "I had a hysterectomy."

"For heaven's sake!" the alley cat exclaimed in exasperation, "Why can't you call a spayed a spayed."

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