The Dr.Seuss Computer Manual

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
The you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

The Texas Lawyer

A lawyer who works in Texas gets a call about an emergency which requires him to immediately fly out of the state fora short period of time. He has no time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife he is going.

The maid answers the call, but is quite hesitant about putting his wife on the phone. After quite a bit of interrogation, she admits that the wife is upstairs in bed with the mailman! The lawyer is furious, and wants to rush right home, but of course there is this emergency he must take care of. So instead, he tells the maid to go get the gun from the desk drawer and kill both his wife and the mailman. She protests! The lawyer explains that under Texas law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it. She puts down the phone, and soon the lawyerhears the sound of two gun shots, a scream, some loud thumps, and finally, two splashes.

The maid comes back to the phone. The lawyer asks, "Did you kill them?"

"Yes," she replies.

The lawyer questions her again, "What did you do with the bodies?"

"I threw them in the pool," she responds.

There is a brief pause from the lawyer. He asks her, "Did you say the pool?"

"Yes! I threw them in the pool!" she says.

"Uh, is this 555-8234?"


Things I like to do at Wal-Mart while my spouse
is taking her sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people�s
carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in housewares ... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask
'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and
pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume
the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And last, but not least!)
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while;
and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

{Recieved Via Email}